A Source Claims That Tom Brady Didn’t Want To Get Divorced From Gisele Bundchen And Would’ve Done Anything To Make It Work
Seen above smiling and busting a boner in his pants after probably picturing Gisele Bundchen as a giant football with chichis and a MAGA hat, Tom Brady is legally single now. But Tom’s reportedly not happy about that since he never wanted his 13-year marriage tossed into the dumpster next to the clue that he desperately needs to get. Sources tell People that Tom has the sads over his marriage to Gis ending and that he would’ve done “whatever it took” to make it work. Um, either the source or Tom needs to look up what that really means because if Tom ever serenaded Gis with a song, it would be I Would Do Anything For Gis (But I Won’t Quit Football).
Some Conservatives Are Pissed About Lizzo Twerking While Playing James Madison’s Crystal Flute From The 1800s
Last week, Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden took to Twitter to invite Lizzo to pop by the Library of Congress while she was in Washington D.C. for her tour. BOOOORRRRRIIIIIN- oh wait, the library has a historical flute collection? Which features a crystal flute owned by President James Madison in 1813? Cool! Especially for a famous flute enthusiast like Lizzo. So, Lizzo took Carla up on her offer, and this past Tuesday, she got to play the prized crystal flute at the library. Later that day, she surprised fans at her concert with a special guest: the flute! Both times Lizzo played the (magic?) crystal flute, she did some very light twerking, because why not? Afterward, everyone was very happy and chill, cuz history is neato, and the crystal flute is pretty. Not! Some people (*cough* conservatives) were très scandalized. And WAP-hater Ben Shapiro, who’s probably never even heard of the crystal flute before this week, was the head of this angry mob.
Well, it looks like there’s one thing that can temporarily stop Ezra Miller’s crime spree of terror that has hit Hawaii, Iceland, Vermont, and beyond. The answer is: threat of a breach of contract lawsuit from Warner Bros. and loss of more checks. I mean, it would be kind of hard for Ezra to run a cult in Iceland if trick can’t keep the lights on. Ezra The Terrible has sort of, not really, responded to the accusations of grooming, assault, abuse, kidnapping, thievery, and harassment by farting up a hollow non-apology that was totally not written by the PR team behind The Flash. Ezra adds that they’re in treatment for “complex mental health issues.” Surprisingly, Ezra’s damage control statement didn’t end with, “See! Everything’s okay now and you no longer have to feel shitty about buying a ticket to my movie The Flash, out in theaters on June 23, 2023!” Warner Bros. is slipping.
Last month, Jamie Spears made the #FreeBritney movement reach for a celebratory bottle of sparkling Frapp when he said in court papers that he’s “willing” to step down as Britney Spears co-conservator after 13 years. But then he made bottles of sparkling Frapp immediately go flat by adding that he’ll give up his co-conservator gig when the “time is right” and that “transition needs to be orderly and include a resolution of matters pending before the Court.” And according to Britney Spears’ lawyer, Mathew Rosengart, the “time” that is right for Daddy Spears to go away is whatever time it is when $2 million of his daughter’s money hits his checking account. Because Mathew has filed papers claiming that Daddy Spears is trying to shake Brit Brit down for even more money. Who knows if Daddy Spears will get a couple of millions to exit stage left from his daughter’s conservatorship, but I do know he’ll probably win Father of the Year for the second year in a row.
Homophobic rapper DaBaby (which is ironic since Joe Exotic is obviously one of his style icons) is sorry for being loudly homophobic and ignorant about HIV and AIDS. But coincidentally this man’s newfound wokeness and eagerness to apologize has come after he’s been dropped from a variety of undoubtedly high-paying gigs. Too bad his apology came a bit too late, and two more festivals told him to not bother showing up for his next shift. Time for DaBaby to hit DaUnemploymentLine.
When the names Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Baldwin appear in a sentence with the word “slammed,” it seems perfectly reasonable to assume that it’s describing what takes place when Alec’s wriggling and spent but still mighty and bejeweled sperm wand bashes its way into Hilaria’s finely tuned and wildly contorted nether empire of a fetal assembly line.
Now, all of their usual, rabidly sparking flesh friction is certainly implied here, but today’s Baldwin slam dance is about the dragging these two are taking over their new parenting podcast, cheekily named What’s One More?