Category: Candy Drama

Open Post: Hosted By Confirmation That M&M’s Is Not Retiring The Spokescandies

January 29, 2023 / Posted by:

The M&M’s company has been through it recently. First, the green one lost her high-heeled boots resulting in some angry (and horny) right-wingers demanding that the company make their candies sexy again. Then M&M’s introduced a new female purple peanut candy. This incensed the same group who accused the brand of making their candies “obese.” Feeling the ire of the outrage machine, M&M’s announced that they were retiring the spokescandies and melting them into one single chocolate bar as punishment for their crimes. Maya Rudolph would take their place to ease the pain of their loss. If you were distraught by the news and thought the only way you would ever see the sexy green one or the snarky red guy again was through YouTube videos or VHS tapes of commercials in your basement, then wipe those tears away. It’s a dumb Super Bowl stunt.

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From The Department Of Possible Super Bowl Ad Stunts: Maya Rudolph Has Put The M&M Mascots Out Of A Job!

January 23, 2023 / Posted by:

Last year, M&M’s announced a little change-up to their line-up of mascots, and it SHOOK THE WORLD (not really). They decided to retire Ms. Green M&M’s Nancy Sinatra-approved go-go boots for a knock-off pair of Common Project sneakers and also tone down her totally slutty eyelashes. In addition to that, they gave the brown M&M more sensible heels, made the orange one more anxious (it was 2022, we were all more anxious and still are), and added a new mascot, Ms. Purple. Since in 2022 there was nothing really newsworthy to report, Fox News’ Tucker Carlson dedicated an entire segment of his show to slamming the “woke” M&M mascots and whining about how he wouldn’t want to have a drink with any of the new “non-binary” M&Ms. Basically, it seemed he was mad that he no longer has the urge to jizz on an M&M, which probably made the guests in his green room immediately dump the bowl of M&M’s on the end table next to the sofa. To think, they thought those candies were just covered in a weird new coating that M&M’s was trying out. Well, M&M’s is making yet another mascot change and, this time, decided to play it safe by going with someone who Tucker Carlson will never ever get publicly horny for: a Black and Jewish woman! They announced today that the one and only Maya Rudolph will be the new face of M&M’s.

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