Elon Musk’s Company Admits That A Bunch Of Monkeys Died During The Neuralink Trials, But That It Was All “Humane”
Everything I thought I needed to know about animal testing I learned from the Season 3 episode of Degrassi Junior High, where Caitlin and Liz debate the ethics of animal testing on a monkey. I’m pretty sure they were talking about testing makeup on monkeys, but that’s not the point. The end was left pretty ambiguous and made space for the moral reasoning of the thoughtful, sophisticated viewer at home (aka me sitting cross-legged on the living room carpet in a Northern Getaway tracksuit, slamming Gushers). Elon Musk’s brain chip company, Neuralink, recently gave its own little lecture on animal testing, but not because they wanted to educate the kids in the same way Degrassi did. They had to comment on a recent situation involving many dead monkeys. So Neuralink had to say something, and they want everyone to know that those dead monkeys went to monkey heaven in only the most humane way, alright?
Throbbing pustule of flaming, fecal ooze sputtering from Satan’s sigmoid colon, 24-year-old professional YouTube famewhore Jake Paul, younger brother of equally douchebagging wad of excrement Logan Paul, took a few rare moments from his busy schedule of attempting to build a boxing career (his face is punchable enough for this to work) to take his signature asshole act to Puerto Rico and terrorize the innocent wildlife, because sometimes putting humans in danger just isn’t enough.
I shouldn’t be such a hater, because what else was he supposed to do, since the evil, villainous FBI swooped in and seized all his guns, putting a Gorilla-glued butt plug into what could have been a brilliant, DIY sniper career? (He wishes.)
Today, PETA is continuing to fight the fights that really matter by telling everyone to stop using “speciesist” insults like “pig,” “rat,” “snake,” and “chicken.” Well, you chicken shit snake rats at PETA, while you’re screaming about that, Armie Hammer is allegedly abusing his dog. We’ve all heard the brain-corroding allegations about how Armie physically and mentally abused several women, and one woman claimed that he bragged about killing an animal so he could eat the animal’s heart. And now a source tells The Daily Mail that Armie’s Welsh Terrier Archie is very chill and would only bite someone if fucked with and so Armie must have fucked with the dog to get Archie to bite him. Armie later showed the wound on Instagram, blaming Archie. One of Armie’s exes, Courtney Vucekovich said that on top of Armie being abusive, he was also broke and she had to pay for everything. Well, hopefully, Armie is broke because Archie has been slowly taking money from him to get away and also sue Armie for slander.
After Blaming Her Quiet Tesla For The Death Of Her Cats, Jamie Lynn Spears Clarifies That Elon Musk Is Not At Fault
Cats already have plenty to worry about, not the least of which is the prospect of being adopted by Justin Bieber or portrayed in crack-induced Hollywood train wrecks by sweaty actors swathed in yards of dead Muppet fur and making everyone’s ears bleed by, well, caterwauling. Not to mention a nervous feline’s usual daily round of dodging a host of hungry, fanged beasts out in the wild in search of a quick meal. Being a cat is not for the faint of heart, and just to get us all caught up on this weird-ass story, 29-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears initially claimed that her quiet, possible-predator of a Tesla was also a lethal threat to our little cat friends.