As CVS cedes its candy aisles to garland and glitter, the last vestiges of slut season draw to a close. Kylie Jenner already nailed her looks for the season by dressing up as a Playboy Bunny on Monday, and as Ariel: After Hours on Wednesday. Come Thursday there was nothing left for her to do other than the obvious: Desecrate the memory of Marilyn Monroe. Kylie’s final Halloween costume was a recreation of Marilyn’s Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend look from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Not to get too Chris Crocker on a Friday morning, but LEAVE NORMA JEAN ALONE!!!
Well, I hope this leads to Frank Sinatra’s peen becoming the new dick of Trojan Magnum condoms.
When Dove chocolates used black magic (read: CGI) to bring Audrey Hepburn back to life in one of their commercials, I just knew it would lead to more companies using dead Hollywood legends to hawk out their products. Max Factor is the latest company to pull some Misty Day shit by bringing back a dead person for an ad campaign.
Max Factor turns 80 this year and to celebrate their birthday, they’ve named one of their most famous clients Marilyn Monroe as the face of their new campaign. “Marilyn Monroe” will star in a bunch of print ads and commercials for Max Factor. Even in death, Marilyn Monroe is making more money than most hos. Marilyn Monroe can’t wear Max Factor makeup anymore since, you know, she doesn’t have a face, so they had to use old pictures. Max Factor (the company, not the person, he’s dead too) released a statement to Glamour where they reminded everyone that he’s the one who dyed her hair blond and said that they still sell some of her favorite shades.
“Norma Jean entered his [Max Factor’s] Blonde Room in the late 1940s as a brunette, and thanks to Mr. Max Factor emerged complete with platinum blonde hair, a beauty look fit for Marilyn Monroe.
It is the ultimate look that defines glamour – nothing else compares. Ruby Tuesday, inspired by one of Marilyn’s favourite Max Factor lipsticks, is still my go-to red today for an instant shot of glamour, and continues to be one of the most popular shades for both make-up artists and real women. It’s the ultimate glamorous red.”
I doubt Marilyn Monroe would approve of this nonsense after what happened last year. It’s probably all kinds of awkward up in heaven because Marilyn Monroe has been giving Max Factor the silent treatment ever since his company did her dirty. Last year, Goopy Paltrow was the face of Max Factor and they did her up as several Hollywood icons including Marilyn Monroe.
That was an unforgivable sin and Marilyn Monroe should never forgive Max Factor for that.
And is Max Factor trying to out themselves as necrophiliacs? I mean, last year the face of their brand was a trick who is dead inside and this year it’s an actual dead woman.
If you notice that service is a little slower today at your local pawn shop, it’s because Lindsay Lohan has bombarded them with phone calls and begging for price estimates on everything of value in her home. She’s going to have to hock an awful lot of stolen jewellery and all her Teen Choice Award surfborts in order to obtain the cash needed to buy Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape and use it as “inspiration” (NSFW) for her next photo shoot.
According to Radar (via Daily News) there’s a good possibility a sex tape starring Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, and Robert F. Kennedy not only exists, but will be hitting the auction block next week. The owner of the 8mm tape, former Hollywood bodyguard William Castleberry, says he chose never to release it out of respect for baseball player Joe DiMaggio. But the tape was seized after Castleberry failed to make a $90,000 balloon payment to lawyers regarding the $200,000 sale of a fake statue. The tape, along with lots of other shit from his house, will be sold at auction to pay off the debt.
No one is able to view the tape before they buy it, and the only person who claims to have seen it is a guy who sells fake statues for a living, so I have a feeling this whole thing is set to go down like a disappointing episode of A&E’s Storage Wars. “Next up for bidding is an 8mm tape of what might be Marilyn Monroe letting Mr. President and his brother Robert invade her Bay of Pigs. It could also be boring home movies from the Smith Family Christmas or an educational filmstrip about rain. In all likelihood, the canister contains a dead cockroach in a pile of disintegrated film dust. We’ll start the bidding at $10,000.”
Because Lindsay Lohan and every other bottom of the barrel ho dressing up as her in a photo shoot for Harper’s Bazaar Uzbekistan hasn’t completely made Marilyn Monroe roll down through the earth’s crust, a TV production company and her estate (that’s cold) are working together on a reality show that will look for Hollywood’s newest “it” girl. Lindsay Lohan, don’t you dare drop your coke straw to pick up a pen to fill out an application for this mess. I said “girl” not “ghoul.”
The plot, or whatever you call it, for this sacrilegiousness sounds like a mess and it honestly makes LiLo’s Marilyn Monroe obsession seem completely healthy and not at all fucked up. Here’s the few sentences about this soon-to-be disaster from Deadline that are making me want to murder my TV and make it look like a suicide:
Entertainment One has teamed with the Estate of Marilyn Monroe to develop and produce Finding Marilyn, a competition reality series that will emulate Monroe’s journey to stardom by featuring twelve young girls as they travel to Los Angeles to compete for a chance to become the next Hollywood “it” girl.
Emulate Marilyn’s journey? In the hell? The makers of this need to compete in a reality show called Finding A FUCKING ASS CLUE since they have none.
Once the winner beats the other Norma Jeans (that’s totally what they’re going to call them), she’ll win a lifetime of sadness and a lethal dose of barbiturates. Then when she’s gone, the whores of Hollywood and beyond can spit all over her image in every medium. It’s the cycle of butchery. May the odds ever be in your BARF.