Alert the media! Oh wait, I AM the media! I’ll just get right to it then. Somehow Pete Davidson has managed to make himself even less appealing than he already was by getting yet another ugly tattoo. I imagine Pete must earn a pretty decent salary at Saturday Night Live, but judging from the amount he apparently spends on weed and ink, he’ll probably be homeless by the end of the year and nobody will even know because he already looks homeless. I hope for his sake that his new partner in slime, Kate Beckinsale, footed the bill for his most recent future cover-up, which is a thick, veiny, uni-cock. That’s right, a horned cock. His artist says it’s a unicorn, but I know a cock when I see one.
When I heard that Halle Berry might have gotten a “massive” (as Page Six called it) tattoo on her back, I said to myself Lord, Jesus someone please go perform a welfare check on her to make sure she’s not going the way of The Affleck. Like Ben, Halle’s had some ups and downs and does not have the greatest record when it comes to impulse control. But when I saw the picture Halle posted on Instagram of her new back art, I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s not so bad.
Ariana Grande has finally responded to all the haters who have accused her of cultural appropriation. Ari got a new tattoo on the palm of her hand which was supposed to read “7 Rings” (the title of her latest single) in Japanese kanji. But it actually reads “small charcoal grill”. Getting a mistranslated Asian character tattoo is Ariana practically shouting from the rooftops, “don’t let excessive bronzer and trap-lite videos fool you, I’m a basic ass white chick through and through!”. Gwen Stefani wishes she had the nerve!
Unsurprisingly, the very-religious OG Aaron Carter that is Justin Bieber went the religious route with his newest tattoo choice and got the word Grace tattooed just above his eyebrow, which is better than getting the word Holy over his butt crack like he first thought. And on a positive note, at least the Jesus tattoo on his leg has another reason to throw a “bitch, please” eye roll.
Attention all tattoo artists, laser tattoo removalists and bookies in the Greater New York area, this post is a PSA expressly for you! Nicki Minaj‘s new boyfriend of a few minutes, registered sex offender Kenneth Perry, may be seeking your services within the year to either cover up or remove the gigantic tattoo of Nicki’s name he just had emblazoned across his neck. I’ve got my $50 on laser removal within the next eight months. Place your bets!
There are certain times when I see Drake and I say to myself “Yeah, I’d hit it”. And other times, not so much. Well now you can put me down for an extra helping of “Hell Yeah I’d hit that!” because Drake did some thirst trappin’ on his Instagram page while on vacation in Turks & Caicos.