Every electric company in the world was put on high alert yesterday and was told by MTV that there was a great chance all of their systems would shut down from people blasting their ACs to temperature “Mitch McConnell’s no-heart area” because they’d get hit with a scorching blast of organically hot heat shooting off of their TV screens as Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello performed together at the MTV VMAs. But electric companies didn’t experience devastating system shut downs, because instead of feeling the heat from Shawn and Camila’s performance, many of us grabbed a pashmina and a fresh-out-of-the-microwave warming dildo to heat our asses up after we were hit with the frozen fish chemistry of it all.
After weeks of getting caught kissing and hugging by paps their publicists didn’t call, Shawn and Camila finally channeled their pure love into their art by performing Señorita at the VMAs. While looking like a toddler playing with the nightgown her mother got from JLo’s capsule collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood, Camila ferociously stalked the stage like a sedated kitten with a sprained ankle before chipmunk yodeling out the first lyric. Camila then eye fucked the camera so hard that I screamed for an adult. Then it was the long-lost Canadian brother of the Jonases turn to lay down the sultriness while dressed like an off-duty mobster for the twink mafia.
The two nearly caused a full-on genital genocide (genitalcide) TWICE by kissing, but instead of making nutsacks and coochies explode with their lips-on-lips action, they stood there for a second, taking in the scent of what they each had for dinner.
Those reactions to their almost-kisses….
I know Bebe Rexha is usually every layer of extra that even the master of extra Taylor Swift thinks she’s extra, but really?
— Mendes Updates (@SMendesQandA) August 27, 2019
Now, I’m not saying that after the show, Shawn and Camila’s PR people were seen backstage putting $100 bill after $100 bill into Bebe Rexha’s hand, but I am saying that she was probably at her landlord’s office this morning to pay the next two months of rent early and in cash, bitch!
But seriously, the chemistry of Shawn and Camila is a lot like the temperature in an office. Some (read: their publicsts) genuinely think it’s hot. And others, like me, think it’s about as cold as the chemistry my best friend Denise and I had as we freak danced on each other to Tara Kemp’s Hold You Tight in our junior high school talent show.
Señorita is now the #1 song in America, so maybe I felt like Shawn and Camila were holding back in that performance because they were. Now that they’re song is #1, maybe they’re saving their emotions for when they eventually split up and take a page out of Miley Cyrus’ money-making break-up handbook by doing a heartbreak remix of Señorita called Sayonara. Yes, they’re going to go from Spanish to Japanese. They’re international like that.