You ever have one of those situations where you really just need something desperately but you didn’t know that you needed it until it’s staring you in the face? If not, hopefully you’re about to. Missy Elliott just released the final video for the single Cool Off from her 2019 EP Iconography and it’s the only thing I want to look at for the next week. Maybe month. Possibly the year, I dunno, we’ll see how long it takes for this busted ass timeline to fold in on itself and we’re all crushed underfoot by coughing dinosaurs. Until then, don’t bother me, I’m cooling off!
We’ve known for a while that Missy Elliott was going to get the MTV VMA Video Vanguard Award as well as perform, so it’s amazing that the other performers showed up. But they did and probably just to take in the brilliance of Missy with a side of Alyson Stoner and a UFO!
Don’t worry, you won’t ever find yourself wheeled into an emergency room and see Missy Elliott standing over you in head to toe Adidas scrubs, informing the closest triage nurse that she needs a team to assist her while she puts her thing down, flip it, and reverse it. Not that kind of doctor. It’s the honorary doctorate club, which Missy and Justin Timberlake are now members of.
Some cry baby dudes hated the Ghostbusters reboot as soon as it was announced because they felt like their childhoods were being ruined by cooch! And some people (including Melissa McCarthy) hated the Ghostbusters trailer for being awful. I never really got on the Ghostbusters hate train…until I pressed play on Fall Out Boy and Missy Elliott’s cover of the Ghostbusters theme song. You may not be afraid of no ghosts, but you should be very, very afraid of this wreck.
If Slimer ate a blended shake made from black Manic Panic dye, rusty nails, bottom lashes that have been stained with Urban Decay eyeliner and a pair of over-worn checkerboard Vans (with anarchy symbols drawn onto the soles with a Sharpie), and he waited until it digested before shitting into your ears, it would probably feel a lot like listening to Fall Out Boy’s version of the Ghostbusters theme song. I don’t even know why the Ghostbusters need proton guns to get rid of the bad ghosts. All they need to do is blast this song, and everything including dogs, cats, roaches, rats, ants and ghosts will vacate that bitch immediately. If you don’t believe me, drive down my street and you’ll see my dog hitchhiking while holding a sack on a stick in his mouth. He puts up with a lot of crap, but he drew the line at me listening to this mess 4 times this morning:
Well, the good news is that at least Ray Parker Jr. (and maybe Huey Lewis) got a check out of this.
Pic: Alternative Press
By popular demand (Side note: Will all you loyal Missy Elliott fans who dropped this in my inbox also please send an email to the Super Bowl people begging them to make Stacey Q the star of their halftime show, PLEASE) here’s Missy Elliott’s first music video in 7 long years. Missy took a break from the game to be treated for Graves’ disease and is now back with WTF (Where They From), the first single off of her new album. The video for WTF has glitter lips, the smooth rat Pharrell Williams, hot moves, air-humping marionettes and Segway hoverboard action.
If I watched this video a few weeks ago, I would’ve eye rolled after seeing Missy on one of those douche boards, but I’ve grown to love them and appreciate them. I knew that the handlebar-less Segway was a gift to humanity when I watched a dude eat concrete while trying to ride one down the sidewalk. Watching a ho fall is pure entertainment and those hoverboard Segways are taking it to the next level, so we should all embrace it. But I digress…
Here’s Missy letting tricks know that they can go ahead and exit the stage since she’s back:
And my favorite part of the video is when Missy becomes a human Maru and gets into a box and gives it good. (That’s not a euphemism, this time.)
The next time you move and finish unpacking all of the boxes, turn on this song, jump in with your friends and bust out some box-o-graphy. (I know, I’m acting like everyone unpacks in one day and it doesn’t take us all 6 years to unpack. I just keep everything in a box so it’s ready for the next time I move. No, that’s not called “being a lazy bitch,” it’s called being, “SMART!“)
I’ve finally finished my week-long celebration of Canadian Thanksgiving, aka sitting on the couch watching The Deaner’s beady little sex possum eyes struggle to stay focused during Chopped Canada and stuffing my face full of Beavurducken (a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a beaver stuffed with Kraft Dinner, as is our way). Except I still sort-of feel like a gravy-bloated maple-dipped trash hag, and seeing this picture of a skinny Missy Elliott isn’t helping things. I feel like she’s staring at me and thinking: “Would you like to borrow my balloon suit from the Supa Dupa Fly video?” Yes. Yes I would.
Missy Elliott Tweeted a picture of her newly-skinnay self after a performance for Alexander Wang’s H&M collection launch in New York on Thursday, and first things first, she looks great, the end. Stamp it, mail it, wait for the post office to lose it somewhere in Kansas. E! says Missy has yet to announce how she went from supa dupa fly to just dupa fly, but she’s spoken in the past about being diagnosed with Graves’ disease and being committed to living a healthy lifestyle, like eating right and exercising. Well, there go my hopes of Missy Elliott ever coming to my all-star Canadian Thanksgiving dinner. Looks like it’s just gonna be me and Bruce Jenner fighting over the wishbone.
Personally, I like my Missy a little on the chunkier side, but if she wants to de-chunk, then more power to her. Bitch looks straight-up great. However, the only thing I can’t get behind is that long-ass Flavor of Love-looking clip-in hair and that circa-2002 trucker hat. I don’t care if it’s $800 hair, Missy needs to lose the My Little Pony tail. That orange ombre hair belongs on the heads of strippers and chicks from Buffalo, NY. And that hat! Skinny Missy sort of looks Viola Davis in the face, and Viola Davis would NEVER with that busted hat! Viola Davis knows how to get away with murder, so maybe she can take care of that tragic trucker hat for Missy. Make it disappear, Viola! No witnesses!