It’s Christmas weekend, and even if you don’t celebrate, I bring you good tidings of great joy! The Crown’s beloved son and alleged predator, Prince Andrew, has reportedly been kicked out of the palace. Looks like King Charles is doing some house cleaning, and the first action is to take out the trash! If this move is true, then Charles might become more popular than THE QUEEN (RIP). I won’t hold my breath, though. Andrew has a unique talent of worming his way back into his family’s graces. Scrounging off your family members is the easiest way to pay off your legal fees!
Due to the cruel, insidious nature of his perversion and fuckery, even while locked behind bars serving a 30-year sentence for raketeering and sex trafficking, Robert Sylvester Kelly’s influence over his victims, alleged or proven otherwise in a court of law by a jury of his peers, still reaches far beyond that itchy spot in the center of his back that I cursed him with during my coven’s most recent workshop, Petty Justice: Hexes and Hot Wings. Robert may be rubbing his back raw up against the cinder block walls of his jail cell, but last week, Joycelyn Savage, his most loyal and vocal “girlfriend,” claimed he proposed to her and that she’s pregnant with his child. Just in case you don’t have any plans next weekend, our next workshop will be Oh Hell No: G&Ts and Fournier’s Gangrene. It’s a virtual meeting and all are welcome!
For about a year and a half, Kelly Clarkson has been doing everything in her power to get rid of her ex-husband, Brandon Blackstock. Their divorce hasn’t yet been finalized, but a judge awarded her with the distinction of being able to say she’s legally single. And, she’s been trying to evict Brandon from the ranch they shared in Montana. But no matter how much she sang, “Breeeeaaaakaway from my ranch“, it wasn’t working, and Brandon stayed put. After a ton of fighting over their place in Montana, it looks like Kelly and Brandon have finally come to an agreement, even if it means Kelly has to fork over 5% ownership of the ranch.
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap fats, femmes and Asians at a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s Colton Underwood’s career post-coming out! In the time it took for me to finish my coffee and take a dump, Colton has already gone from newly out former Bachelor to a newly out Netflix reality star. According to Variety, the show is already in production and Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy “will appear in the series, acting as a guide.” Hopefully Gus can help Colton learn the right way to get someone’s attention without resorting to (alleged) stalking.
Way back in 2017, the Jordan Peele-directed film Get Out became a monster sleeper hit, grossing $255 million worldwide on a $4.5 million budget. The film’s lead, British actor Daniel Kaluuya, was nominated for a bunch of awards, including a Best Actor Oscar. Since then he’s starred in Black Panther, Widows, and Judas and the Black Messiah (for which he’s just been nominated for a Golden Globe).
So yeah, Daniel’s a big deal. But it wasn’t always that way, at least according to a story he shared on The Graham Norton Show. Daniel told Graham that he was obviously really excited to attend the Sundance surprise world premiere of Get Out. He was shooting Black Panther at the time and asked for time off, assuming that he’d get an invite, cuz, you know, he’s the film’s star. But… no invite came. Ruh-roh. Did someone fuck up? Or was he purposely ignored? Either way, Daniel was hurt.
And In Totally True News, Katy Perry And Orlando Bloom Want Jennifer Aniston To Be Their Child’s Godmother
The Mirror (which means this entire story is 100% true) says that Katy Perry and Jennifer Aniston are like BFFs and have been spending a lot of time together during the coronavirus quarantine (or as Jen calls it, an “oddly beautiful” time) by going on socially distant walks and shit. Well, Katy is about to give birth to her first child, the child she made with Orlando Bloom, and sources say that Jen has already been asked to be their kid’s godmother. Please don’t tell me that Asian Brit, Katy Perry, is going to ask Prince Charles to be the godfather next.