Many have a microwave bag of popcorn in their kitchen cabinet marked “Reserved For The Fall Of The Duggars,” and well, you may soon be able to pull that out, pop it, season it with some holy water and frankincense, and toss satisfying kernel after satisfying kernel into your mouth while watching the Duggars get theirs. Because there’s several reports claiming that Homeland Security raided the Duggar’s compound in Tontitown, Arkansas over the weekend, and a rep for HSI confirmed that they were there as part of an ongoing federal criminal investigation. But since the Duggar’s First Commandment is Thou Shalt Lie To Save Face, they are clutching their version of the bible (read: bank records and legal documents they probably don’t want the feds to see) all surprised-like at this “fake news.”
What happens when religious fundamentalism meets the English language? Chaos, apparently. People is reporting that Michelle Duggar–AKA the vaginal equivalent to the Wardrobe in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe–was so offended by the unholy name of a popular food dish that she literally changed its whole ass name and calls it something else. While promoting Jesus’ Rise on Easter weekend, she let it be known that you heathens can fill your sinful mouths with deviled eggs, but she and her holy family are going to be busy munching on “yellow pocket angel eggs” you motherfucking demons! Continue reading
Like a dumb dumb kitten stuck in a tree, there’s a pussy crying for help today. Only this pussy belongs to a supermodel. No, it’s not the pussy of Leo Dicaprio‘s latest girlfriend wailing because she’s about to hit the 25 year mark and therefore have her contract ripped up (relax- Leo’s current girlfriend is only 21). It’s the vagina of Miranda Kerr, who announced to People that just ten months after giving birth to her first baby with Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, she is pregnant again. Mine is crying too. Someone pass an ice pack for my vaginal canal ghost pains.
If I haaaaaad to pick a favorite Duggar (and there are plenty to pick from ), I would have to say it was Jessa Duggar Seewaldd, even if my reasons are all based on a lie. Back when she married her boyfriend, now-husband Ben Seewald, they waited to have their first kiss (EVER!) in private. There was a brief report that by first kiss in private, they also meant first hide the Old Testament in private, since a guest claims they were caught boning in a room at their church since a Duggar woman is supposed to churn out children like your local Little Caesars cranks out Hot ‘n Ready pizzas.
As with all great stories, that ended up being fake, and Jessa has split her time since popping out two kids (one who put all wacky celeb-named kids to shame by being named Spurgeon) and defending her garbage brother. Well, there’s a fundamentalist Christian child army throne to seize, so Jessa is out with news of her third pregnancy.
If you’re anything like me you have heard of the Duggar family but can’t really be bothered to keep up with them, but fear not though, you can definitely depend on the Duggars to whore out all the details to the media when one of them spawns.
Entertainment Weekly reports that this time around the newest Duggar is a Dillard from damn 26-year-old Jill Duggar Dillard, sired by 28-year-old Derek Dillard and is their second kid. They announced she was knocked up with the 490,978,999th Duggar last December. The devout Dillards disseminated their delight on their family blog:
We are excited to finally announce the arrival of Samuel Scott Dillard! The newest addition to our family arrived on Saturday, July 8, 2017 at 1:02pm. He weighs 9lb 10oz and is 22″ long. After 40 of labor, he was delivered via C-section at the hospital. Thank you for your continued prayers and support!
Jill spent 70 hours in labor while giving birth to her first child, 2-year-old Israel David Dillard, and she also had a C-section. Who knows how long labor took this time around, but I’m sure we’ll find out when TLC covers it in a very special episode of Jill and Jessa: Counting On. Like Jill and Derek said, I’m sure people are continuing to pray, pray that little Samuel Scott learns to walk right away so he can ran away from the Duggars including Uncle Josh. But before he goes, he should thank his mom and dad for not naming him Lebanon or Palestine.
The Duggars are that family of multitudes wherein all the women are raised to function solely as life support systems for wombs (and occasionally also having to function as apologists for their brother if he happens to sexually abuse them, allegedly). The Manson Family is less creepy. The latest Duggar girl to be married off, Joy-Anna Duggar, wed Austin Forsyth yesterday.