Category: Jail Birds
Prosecutors Want Ghislaine Maxwell To Serve 30-55 Years Behind Bars
Six months ago Prince Andrew was putting his supposedly non-working royal sweat glands to the test when his gal pal Ghislaine Maxwell became the first person convicted on five federal sex trafficking charges to have sat on THE THRONE. But thanks to mummy’s deep pockets by way of the British taxpayer, Kevin Spacey was able to leapfrog over his back to get in line to be the second. Unfortunately for Ghislaine, unlike Andrew, whose very expensive lucky break meant he got to do the alleged crime without having to do the time, Ghislaine is looking at a possible 30-55 years of sitting on the porcelain throne she can see from her cot at her upcoming sentencing trial scheduled to begin on June 28. But don’t feel too badly for her. What Ghislaine’s throne lacks in upholstered opulence, it more than makes up for in security. The guards at Buckingham Palace may have let the riff-raff slip onto THE QUEEN’s throne, but nothing but dookie will be slipping into Ghislaine’s.
Fyre Festival Organizer Billy McFarland Has Been Released From Prison Early
Back in 2017, Billy McFarland (with the help of Ja Rule, and numerous models) created one of the greatest grifts of the 21st Centrury, the Fyre Festival. The luxury music festival that duped people out of tons of money to watch Ja Rule perform on an island, but instead found themselves trapped on an island with next to zero accommodations, no Ja Rule, and nothing more than a take-away plate of food that looks like it was brought in from the nearest hospital cafeteria. Billy eventually got arrested on fraud charges and was subsequently sentenced to six years in prison. All of us probably figured that Billy’s sentence would stick, and he’d be chowing down on some Fyre Festival-ish cold processed cheese sandwiches in the big house for six whole years. But as it turns out, Billy was just released from prison, that six-year sentence be damned.
The Man Who Allegedly Shot Lady Gaga’s Dog Walker Ryan Fischer Was Accidentally Released From Jail
Even when a horrible dog-napping story feels like it’s all wrapped up with a conclusive ending, it might not be. In February 2021, Lady Gaga’s dog walker Ryan Fischer was shot in the chest by a stranger who then kidnapped two of the three dogs he was out walking at the time, Gaga’s French bulldogs Koji and Gustav. Arrests were made, the dogs were returned safe, and Ryan began his recovery. Dog-napping and attempted murder feels like more than enough reasons for a criminal to spend a long time on an uncomfortable prison bunk. But the man who allegedly shot is already out of jail. The only issue: He’s not actually supposed to be out of jail right now. Whoopsies.
Harvey Weinstein Got Busted With Contraband Milk Duds In The Pokey
Finally, some happy news for a change! And on a Friday too, what won’t the Universe do?! You’ll be delighted to learn that convicted rapist Harvey Weinsten got himself into a spot of bother in LA County jail last November when a box of contraband Milk Duds was discovered during a search of his cell following a visit from one of his attorneys. As you may recall, Harvey was extradited to Los Angeles last summer to stand trial on 11 additional charges of rape and sexual assault. He’s currently serving a 23-year sentence for rape and sexual assault in New York. According to Variety, Harvey is very sorry about the Milk Duds, if not for all the rape and sexual assault. Personally, hearing that a man who once felt so entitled and powerful that he could have sex with any woman he wanted, by force and coercion, can longer even enjoy the simple succor of plump sugary deer pellet without reprimand, is a real treat. Actual justice comes hard in this country, but poetic justice is sometimes just as sweet.
Allison Mack Has Checked Into Prison Early To Serve Her 3-Year Sentence
While all these other famous men who went to prison for bad shit have tried and sometimes succeeded at getting out of prison for their offenses, Allison Mack seems to be the opposite. The 38-year-old former Smallville actress was sentenced to 3 years in prison for her role in the NXIVM sex cult which saw leader Keith Raniere sentenced to 120 years in prison. Before her sentencing, Allison was trying to play the victim and said she was sooooooooooo sowwy for recruiting, abusing, and branding women in a sex cult and shouldn’t do prison time. But she was sentenced to only a handful of years in prison and now TMZ says she checked into the clink early. I guess she wants to call dibs on the top bunk bed.
Ghislaine Maxwell Says She Was Abused By A Guard And Is Losing Her Hair In Jail
The New York Post reports that current resident Ghislaine Maxwell is “withering to a shell,” and despite her being a “respectful, middle-aged female pretrial detainee,” she was forced to “clean a shower with a broom” as punishment for reporting that she was physically “abused” by a guard during a pat down. Also, sources claim that Ghislaine hates the food and is going bald and I, for one, would like to see it.