Ciara’s Goodies Almost Made A Break For It Last Night

Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.

If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.

I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.

With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.

Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Will Write “Bad Blood II: Badder Blood” In 3..2..

“Oooooh, you bitches are so dead” is probably what all the 9th graders said as Lorde and Ellie Goulding nervously shuffled through the cafeteria with green trays in hand toward Taylor Swift who told them that they can’t sit with her and they better go and sit with the other losers at the round orange table in the corner. Lorde and Ellie Goulding dun goofed.

Since Tay Tay is a bitchy 15-year-old girl trapped in the body of a vintage Barbie doll, she wrote that Bad Blood (working title: Period Cramps) song about how Katy Perry stole one of her back-up dancers or some shit. I heard that Tay Tay also got revenge by carving the words “Katy Perry Iz A Cum Guzzling Skankosaur“ into a stall in the girl’s locker room bathroom and also told everyone that Katy Perry took a dump once and didn’t wash her hands afterward. Eww! A million members of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad are in the Bad Blood video including Ellie Goulding. (Side note: A piece of me dies inside whenever I type “Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad” and that’s surprising since I thought I was completely dead inside.)

But well, over the weekend, Ellie Goulding and another member of Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad, Lorde, showed their traitor asses when they hung out and took a picture with that dancer-stealing hose beast tramp skeeza whore Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson! Lorde’s mom and Ellie Goulding both Instagrammed the above picture. In case you couldn’t tell since she doesn’t look like Emily the Strange’s stranger cousin who lives in a tree trunk in the dark part of the forest, Lorde is in the red dress in the middle. Ellie Goulding is the blonde getting strangled on the right and Katy Perry’s head is floating next to Lorde.

Ellie Goulding later deleted the picture from her Instagram and I’m guessing that had something to do with Taylor texting her with this:

That’s Emoji for: “Bitch, you dead and tell Lorde that she looks like shit as the Salsa Dancer Emoji.”

Taylor is totally going to get those traitor bitches for this. She’ll put them on clean-up crew after her Easy Bake Oven cupcake parties. Or maybe that picture proves that this Katy vs. Taylor feud is made up by their publicists and tween gossiping girls trapped in the bodies of 30-something gay bloggers are falling for it. No, that can’t be it.

Here’s Katy’s arch rival with Girl Squad members (there goes a piece of me into a coffin) Gigi Hadid and Martha Hunt in NYC this past weekend.

Pics: Splash, Instagram

The Fauxhemian Hippies Have Descended Upon Coachella

And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”

Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.

I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:

Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.

Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:

Pics: Splash, Wenn

The Time Ellie Goulding, Bjork, Skrillex and Diplo Got Thrown Out Of A Party Together

Prince William and Duchess Kate’s wedding singer Ellie Goulding told Q Magazine (via Gigwise) that recently she got RiRi kinds of drunk at a hotel room party in Costa Rica and was thrown out. And Bjork was there! And Skillrex was there! And Diplo was there! And you were there and  Auntie Em was there and everybody was there!

“I think it was in Costa Rica. A few of us were thrown out but then they realised they’d made a mistake. I can’t quite remember actually because I was quite drunk. Obviously. There was me, Bjork, Diplo, Skrillex and loads of people starting our own party in the reception area. I’m afraid I can’t remember all the details.”

I’d totally believe this story if instead of getting drunk, she got high on LSD. And instead of partying in a hotel room in Costa Rica, she partied in her own living room. And instead of partying with Bjork, Diplo and Skillrex, she actually partied with a potted plant, a sofa cushion and a toaster. That’s what really happened.

And I only posted this so I could post this old picture of Bjork and her intergalactic dandelion mask and her tits which kind of look like the top of Andy Warhol’s head. Or maybe they look more like two uncooked Awesome Blossoms before going into the batter.