Coachella may seem like a good time to the pretentious crowd: a bunch of wildly popular and some hip, completely-unknown musical acts, festival pictures, day drinking, getting fucked up, fancy celebrity-studded pool parties–but some of us know better. Unless you’re a VIP or standing in one place for hours so you get a good spot, chances are you won’t see or hear very much of your favorite acts. Those pictures all look the same. Day drinking is fun until it isn’t–it’s a fine line. And the pool parties? Listen, there is nothing for you at those pool parties except for annoying mess and apparently HERPES. Yup, herpes is in full attendance at Coachella, at least it was this year, as The New York Post reports that Coachella this year coincided with a herpes outbreak of sorts, which makes sense since I mean, John Mayer and Paris Hilton were there.
Kanye West brought his “Sunday Service” to Coachella on Easter Sunday after a tumultuous start. Kanye had originally pulled out of the festival because he wanted a huge-ass dome and Coachella was like: “Okay… but people need to pee somewhere? So we need space for that?” But Kanye didn’t care! He wanted the dome and he didn’t get it so he was out of there.
But then something came over him (ego and massive need for attention, obviously) and Kanye chose to return to Coachella, this time with a full religious experience and not just a show. Apparently the Kult of Kanye was a huge success. So much so that Kanye is thinking of doing more of them. Call poison control, because y’all done drunk the Kool-Aid (that Jonestown pun was not totally on purpose).
You’ve got to have a pretty thick skin if you’re going to make it in the entertainment industry. I didn’t sit through 87 cycles of America’s Next Top Model to not learn that lesson. Too bad Justin Bieber never had a Tyra Banks in his life to belittle him until he cried, only to build him back up into a pop megastar who can take a normal amount of criticism without alluding to suicide. Sadly, we know Justin wouldn’t have made it very far on ANTM and probably would have asked to be sent home after crying his eyes out during the makeover episode. You see, a mean lady on the internet (it wasn’t me this time, I swear!) accused Justin of lip syncing during his recent Coachella appearance with Ariana Grande. And even though he totally did lip sync, it wasn’t very nice.
Looks like Justin Bieber is feeling better because he’s been popping up all over the place. Justin recently let the world know he was going through it and needed us to pray for him to get over some depression he was dealing with. Well, PRAYERS WORK, because Justin shook off that dark cloud of sadness and took it to the stage by joining Ariana Grande at the last show of her Coachella set.
Kanye West had his Sunday Service at Coachella yesterday as planned, and as expected he brought out the full range of fuckery. Not only was it a Kanye West concert, so it was guaranteed full of self-indulgent Jesus comparisons (and on Easter Sunday? He has risen and then He left because He heard Kanye West music playing), but it was also mostly streamed through a gloryhole for some reason. Interesting choice.
Another interesting choice was Kanye’s decision to try and rob the people of Coachella blind by charging them crazy prices for his merch. Case in point: $50 Kanye West-brand socks.
The Beyhive got their stingers in a twist when their Google alerts went all dingy this week with the vicious claim that Ariana Grande got paid twice as much as their leader Beyonce to headline Coachella. I mean, it makes sense, since Ariana had the best four members of NSYNC in her Coachella show, and Beyonce didn’t even TRY to get O-Town for hers. But because this is not a belated April Fool’s Day prank, and anyone on their meds would know that we are living in real life world and not The Upside Down, of course there is no way in Hell, on God’s Green Earth, or while Beyonce is still living and breathing (and probably into the Afterlife, who are we kidding) that type of wage gap disparity would actually happen to the Queen of the Honey