Kellan Lutz Has A No Nudity Clause

Does Kellan Lutz have enough contracts in his life to be bragging about their clauses? Apparently, because the Twilight franchise actor did an interview with Straight Shuter (via EXTRA) to answer the burning question of why he’s not ass-out in movies more often. Kellan is known for having bod, but you don’t see him sans clothing really on the big screen. Do you see him on the big screen very often? Nevermind, just know he’s blaming it on the fiancee. Continue reading

The Fauxhemian Hippies Have Descended Upon Coachella

And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”

Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.

I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:

Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.

Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:

Pics: Splash, Wenn

And The Best Dressed Of The Critics’ Choice Awards Goes To…

Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.

The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.

Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.

Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Miley Cyrus And Kellan Lutz Were On A Private Plane Together….

Here’s human bag of muscles Kellan Lutz and Miley Cyrus (dressed like a Central Florida lot lizard who gives handies for half-smoked Parliaments) getting off of the same private plane today in Miami. The photo agency I got these thrilling pictures from say they were in the Bahamas together. Hit the “NEW COUPLE ALERT!” alarm. Just because two famous whores get off of a plane together doesn’t mean that they’re licking each other’s b-holes. They could be doing the rich ho version of carpooling by sharing a private jet.

I’m sure that during the flight, Miley twerked on her bong and periodically took tokes through her asshole (Side tip: Do not try that. TRUST me. Your b-hole will want to devour an entire bag of Funyuns afterward) and Kellan Lutz lifted heavy things the entire time so the muscles on his muscles on his muscles didn’t deflate.

If Kellan Lutz is ever photographed with slimy tongue yeast smeared all over his mouth, then we’ll know for sure that Miley is sucking on his face.

Pics: Splash

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

Kellan Lutz Lives With Dick

Kellan Lutz tells GQ Style Australia that he lives with a bunch of “his boys” and one of them is a dude he found on Craigslist named Dick who owns a chihuahua they call Kevin. To which I’ll say Parasite Hilton’s elementary school nickname: TOO EASY! This is what the six-pack on stilts of muscle had to say about getting more Dick in his life to GQ:

It’s not that I’m not. It’s just that any mortal man in the presence of a towering powerhouse like Lutz can’t help but feel like a yellow-billed oxpecker on the back of a great hippo. Which is why I’m relieved when Kevin the chihuahua suddenly scampers off to bark at something inside. “That must be Dick,” Lutz says, following Kevin into the house. “Dick’s one of my room-mates.” Lutz isn’t dating anyone at the moment, but still. Room-mates? “I like being around people,” he explains, “so I posted an ad on Craigslist saying I was looking for new blood.” He looks to see if I get the joke. “Dick came by and we liked him, so, yeah, now he’s one of my boys.”

“My boys” is a term Lutz uses a lot, as in, “My boys all want to go to Vegas to watch the Super Bowl with me, so I say, ‘Great. I’ll provide the rooms and whatnot. All you have to do is buy a $400 plane ticket.’ That’s when my boys start moaning, ‘Oh, we have no money.’ But then I’ll catch them spending $200 a night getting drunk with a girl. What’s up with that?”

So, Kellan Lutz lives with a group of his boys, calls them his “roommates,” takes them on trips to Las Vegas, gives them $400 prepaid credit cards to buy their airline tickets with (so they can tell people THEY bought the tickets) and their only duties are to bleach Kevin’s b-hole and to caulk the toilet seat whenever he accidentally breaks it by flexing the biceps on his ass cheeks during a shit? To which I’ll say the word that Kunty Karl’s male human writes on his tax return next to occupation: KEPT BITCH!

Here’s Muscle Daddy Kellan and friend of Dick putting muscles on top of his muscle’s muscle’s muscle at Muscle Beach in Venice, CA the other day.

P.S. – Heh. He said “oxpecker.“