Somewhere in Bill Cosby’s mansion, one of his assistants is writing the word “roofie” in Braille on his entire stash of ludes, because he reportedly can’t see shit anymore. Not only that, but Bill Cosby’s Pennsylvania mansion has become his prison and his only friends are the lawyers who are being paid to spend time with him. I’ll wait here as you strain your face while trying to squirt out one tear of sympathy for him…… Not happening? Yeah, didn’t think so. Moving on….

Bill Cosby has been figuratively blind for decades, but Page Six says that he’s totally blind now. One of Cosby’s lawyers (aka a paid friend) played that “Woe Is The Pudding Pop Don” card earlier this year when they said that prosecutors have chosen to go after a poor, little old blind man. Cosby has an eye condition call “keratoconus” that has caused him to go 100% blind in both eyes. The source spit this out:

“His alleged victims may take some solace in the fact that he’s in his own personal hell. He has been suffering from a degenerative eye disease and is completely blind . . . All his Hollywood friends have turned their backs on him. He is confined to his house in Pennsylvania, and the only person on his side is his wife, Camille, who is masterminding his defense. His only friends are the small army of lawyers on his payroll.”

Now, I’m not one to say that so-and-so’s personal hell is more of a personal hell than so-and-so’s personal hell, but I’m sure that the women Cosby allegedly drugged and raped are living in hell’s personal hell.

Cosby is expected to go to trial sometime this year, so Page Six’s story may be his lawyers’ way of starting their defense early by letting prospective jurors know that he’s been through enough. I mean, the man can’t even continue to pursue his favorite hobby of mixology anymore!

Pic: Wenn.com

Four years ago, Macaulay Culkin prompted stage parents with morals everywhere to step back and rethink their decision to push their kids into show business when he was photographed walking around New York looking like a humanoid crack rock. The National Enquirer claimed they knew the reason for why Macaulay looked like someone who would volunteer to help Harry and Marv rob houses just for the medicine cabinet access, and it was DRUGS! Specifically, that he was addicted to heroin. They claimed Macaulay was in a really bad place after his break-up with Mila Kunis, and he was spending $6,000 a month on heroin and pills.

Despite the fact that he was once arrested for possession of weed and pills, Macaulay denies the Enquirer’s drug shopping spree rumors. Macaulay tells The Guardian that he never spent his residual checks from The Pagemaster and Wish Kid on the hardest of drugs. He also slapped at the Enquirer for pretending to care about why he looked so tore up.

“Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on – but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, you’re trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.”

Macaulay also talks about what he’s been doing lately (that pizza band, nothing). And he would have talked about his friendship with Michael Jackson, but The Guardian says his lawyers wouldn’t let him.

So Kevin McCallister doesn’t outright deny that he was chasing the cheese pizza back in 2012 when those pictures were taken; he only says he wasn’t spending $6k a month. “Perhaps” that will be one of the things he elaborates on if he ends up fulfilling his former child star-turned-mess destiny by writing a tell-all. “Listen, people said I was spending 6 grand on drugs, but honestly, it was more like 2, 2 and a half, tops.” Or maybe he was buying drugs, but not for himself. After all, he was living with walking needle Pete Doherty around that time, and Pete definitely seems like the type who would prefer rent be paid in drugs rather than money. You know, just to save him a trip outside.

Pic: Wenn.com

Someone put a ring on Pippa Middleton’s hitchin’ finger, and thankfully, that someone was not Prince Hot Ginge. That means that the tabloids can go ahead and remove their “Pippa Middleton and Prince Hot Ginge Are Boning” stories from the file full of crap they pull out on a slow news week. Watch, The Sun will put out a cover story about how PHG spends his lonely nights caressing a bowl of cold porridge because he misses the bland touch of that British bland Pippa Middleton.

Pippa Middleton, best known for being Duchess Kate’s sister and owning the ass that took over the royal wedding in 2011, has gotten engaged to her rich British banker type piece of a year James Matthews. The Daily Mail says that this past weekend in the Lake District, 40-year-old James proposed to 32-year-old Pippa Middleton and of course, she said yes. Pippa and James confirmed their engagement news to the BBC and say that they’re going to get married next year. The Middleton family and Duchess Kate and Prince William also put out statements, and PHG would’ve put out a statement too but he was busy caressing a bowl of cold porridge while thinking about the bland that got away.

Because Pippa is a caring soul who wants to give the tabloids a perfect picture to use for her engagement news, she did the subtle “Oh, I’m just holding my purse and not-at-all flashing my giant diamond engagement ring” pose while leaving her apartment this morning:

James Matthews’ brother is alleged cokehead and reality shit show trick Spencer Matthews from Made in Chelsea. If the Middleton family lets Spencer Matthews go to Pippa and James’ fancy society wedding, they better tell THE QUEEN to leave her Corgis at home. Because I don’t want to read in The Mirror about how one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis overdosed while doing lines with Spencer in the bathroom during the reception. And I’m sure Kunty Karl has already offered to design Pippa’s dress and I’m sure his design is an ass-less white burka.

Here’s pictures from Pippa’s showing of the engagement ring ceremony, as well as pictures of her at a charity event yesterday.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Getty

This will be very sad news for anyone who was waiting with anticipation to see what kind of busted bridal-style nonsense Lady Gaga would bring to her wedding. On the plus side, I’m sure we’ll all be happy to read some news about a famous person named Taylor that isn’t about Taylor Swift. After five years together, TMZ says that Lady Gaga and her fiancé Taylor Kinney are over. Gaga split with Taylor before she got married to him? How very un-Madonna of her.

Sources say Gaga and Taylor called it quits earlier this month, but can’t say who dumped who. TMZ says Gaga sort-of subtly confirmed she was un-engaged last week by strutting around Malibu without the giant swap meet-looking engagement ring Taylor gave her on Valentine’s Day in 2015. Gaga is currently in Cabo San Lucas and TMZ says she’s been seen without her ring there too.

Gaga and Taylor met on the set of the video for “You and I” back in 2011. They share two French bulldogs, Koji and Miss Asia Kinney, and a “But why???“-worthy post-sex nude cover for V magazine.

Neither Gaga nor Taylor have said anything about this yet. Taylor seems like a quiet type, so I don’t know if we should expect him to say much about this situation. Gaga, on the other hand. I’m actually a little shocked she didn’t announce the news herself by stepping out of her apartment wearing a cape made from torn-up wedding invitations and a bikini made from moldy wedding cake samples with glittery blue tears painted on her face.

UsWeekly is also confirming that Gaga and Taylor are over. No word on who the source of this information is. My guess is the press were tipped off by that engagement ring, and it did it for revenge. And I don’t blame it. I’d spill the tea too if Gaga left my ass at home in a boring old jewelry box while she went and partied it up in Cabo. Rings deserve a vacation too, Gaga!

Pic: Splash

And yes, I’m as good at Photoshop as Melania Trump is at delivering an original speech.

Why do I have a feeling that yesterday afternoon, Taylor Swift sent an untraceable e-mail to her secret friend Melania Trump, telling her down low squad member that she wrote a passionate speech that is perfect for the Republican National Convention. Tay Tay sent the Slovenian jewel a plagiarized speech, because she knew that the media would pounce all over that and temporarily forget about the Kimye disaster. That mega demonic Nellie Olesen will destroy anyone to protect her image!

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Shortly after Kim Kardashian won the hearts of millions on Sunday night by Snapchatting clips of Kanye West’s konversation with Taylor Swift about that lyric in “Famous,” people brought up California’s wiretapping law. There was a chance that Litigious Barbie would sue Kim and Kanye for recording their conversation without her knowledge. There was also a chance that they could face charges.

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