Move over “lonely, miserable” Jennifer Aniston tabloid storylines as a new (even sadder!) Jennifer Aniston storyline is happening. Jennifer Aniston was supposed to be a princess of Britain! A new book is claiming Prince Harry wanted Jennifer Aniston to be his forever princess, but she couldn’t get past the 16 year age difference. This is what happens when an AniSTAN (I’m assuming that’s what they call themselves) writes fanfiction while high on bath salts after scrolling through The Daily Mail’s royal section.
Seen above at Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s wedding last year, Prince Philip may have hatched a plan to save his grandson from marrying Meghan by interrupting the wedding, but then he went mimi times about 3 seconds in and later got distracted with opening some hardy candy. Because society journalist Sophia Money-Coutts (what a perfect name for a socialite) claims that the other PP told PHG to not marry Meghan. You might be thinking that Philip didn’t want Meghan to join the royal family because her 23andMe results wouldn’t come back as her being whiter than an albino dolphin’s bleached b-hole, but that’s crazy. We have always known Philip to be the King of Diversity and accepting of all people. Philip apparently didn’t want PHG to marry Meghan because he’s actressphobic.
It’s been one month since Master Archie was pulled out of Duchess Meghan’s body and began his completely ordinary life of never hearing the words, “Sorry, it declined. Got another card?“, sipping gin-spiked juice from his great-grandmama THE QUEEN on his third birthday, wearing the finest Mary Janes money can buy, and getting to call Prince Hot Ginge daddy. Meghan was resting her swollen parts while on maternity leave, but pressed pause on that for a second to do her job of waving and smiling at her subjects in a parade. No, the parade wasn’t to celebrate Trump leaving the UK.
The parade was to celebrate THE QUEEN’S birthday. THE QUEEN turned 93 on April 21st, but since she’s THE FUCKING QUEEN (I think that’s her official title, honestly) she gets two birthdays, and today is Trooping The Colour, the official celebration of her born day. There’s a parade, an air show, and THE QUEEN “inspects” her troops. It’s a shame that I’ll probably be dead when Prince George does his “inspection” of his troops, because you know he’s going to be brutal and order the be-footing of troops whose shoes don’t tickle his corneas with their shininess.
The word “nasty” used to be a hot one. I mean, who doesn’t want to hear your piece call you a “nasty sissy boy cum dumpster” before they spit in your face and choke you out? What!? Just me?! Okay, but now the word “nasty” is hot no more, and it’s all thanks to Donald Trump. Nothing will give your dick slit a case of cotton mouth or make your cooze beat the Dry Valleys in Antarctica for the title of the driest place on Earth like Trump saying the word “nasty.” And he’s been saying it a lot lately.
While in the UK, Trump did an interview with Piers Morgan for Good Morning Britain, and said that he never called Duchess Meghan nasty and only said she was nasty to him. WARNING: The clip after the cut contains Trump spitting out the word nasty several times. So keep an IV drip full of fluids near your down-low parts, because they’re gonna need it.
Duchess Meghan And Prince Hot Ginge Are Splitting From Their Joint Charity With Duchess Kate And Prince William
It’s been a minute since we heard about how Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William end family dinners trying to pull at each other’s non-hair while scrapping on top of the table as the Duchesses take off their borrowed-from-the-Princess-Diana-collection earrings in preparation to tap in and THE QUEEN shouts, “Whoop that trick!“, to whichever grandson she favors the most at the time (SPOILER ALERT: PHG. It’s always PHG). Meanwhile, Prince George takes bets at the kids’ table from Charlotte, Louis, Master Archie, and Prince Philip.
After a little break, the Battle of the Royal Bald Spots is back on, and in this round, the Fab Four is no more as Meghan and PHG are making moves to split from the Royal Foundation. “That’s right, bitches, skedaddle off and start the much more fitting HO-yal Foundation,” screamed Prince William, probably.
The UK is going to be visited by the Dark Lord soon, as Donald Trump will be coming to see the Queen and such at the beginning of June for an official visit. America’s most elegant man and his incredibly elegant wife are going to sit down with all the royals: Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Harry, of course THE QUEEN–but one royal is lucky enough to have an excuse on missing out on the festivities and won’t have to put on her best upper-class British stoic-face and pretend to enjoy Donald Trump’s company. That lucky lady is the newest royal in the bloodline, Duchess Meghan.