Not shown: Half the creme is on the mirror. – OurMissC

Upvote winner:

That’s not what I meant when I asked for baked ziti. – johnny boy

Pic: Dr. Pimple Popper via Someecards

The yodeling cowboy and his “Trump dog,” who brought the messiness to the outside of the RNC! 

On the first night of the RNC, the dusty Hobby Lobby clearance bin version of Kirk Cameron, Scott Baio, and the chonies model many of us jacked it to in the 90s, Antonio Sabato Jr., found a way to clear their busy-as-hell schedules of fighting with kids on Twitter and (insert whatever it is Antonio does nowadays) to mouth fart up words of support for Donald Trump. But the foolery-fueled entertainment wasn’t only on the inside of the convention, it was on the outside too. (And yes, we’ll get to the Slovenian gold digger rose Melania Trump going all season 1 Brandon Walsh last night in a minute.)

In the field of demonstrators outside of the RNC, was a preppy cowboy and his bitch named the “Trump dog,” who dressed like a middle-aged dad going on a boat cruise in Cape Cod, for some reason. The cowboy asked the people to kick his Trump dog (BUT NOT THE FACE!) and when he wasn’t doing that, he kicked eardrums by yodeling out a Trump song as his pet howled. Gawker has a video of that if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them. And here’s a short Vine of the cowboy and his Trump dog:

I don’t know if they’re anti-Trump or pro-Trump, but they’re obviously pro-attention and pro-fuckery, and that’s good enough for me. And I’ve been to the Folsom Street Fair before, so I’ve seen some shit, but this is next-level hardcore kink. I don’t think there’s a safe word at the RNC (they want you to suffer through every second of Trump speaking), but if there was, everyone in that video would be screaming it at the cowboy and his Trump dog.

Pic: @mktwrobs 

Benedict Cumberbatch (40)
Steven Anthony Lawrence (26)
Rosie Jones (26)
Kaitlin Doubleday (32)
Trai Byers (33)
Ryan Dorsey (33)
Jared Padalecki (34)
Michelle Heaton (37)
Vinessa Shaw (40)
Chris Kratt (47)
Clea Lewis (51)
Anthony Edwards (54)
Lisa Lampanelli (55)
Campbell Scott (55)
Atom Egoyan (56)
Abel Ferrara (65)
Brian May (69)
Vikki Carr (75)
Helen Gallagher (90)

Pic: Getty

…And as Tom Hiddleston ran down the beach in Australia, he thought about changing course and running straight into the ocean, but what kept him going was the recording of him saying, “You’re doing this for Bond, you’re doing this for Bond,” over and over again – Lainey Gossip

But Tom Hiddleston probably killed his Bond dreams and the closest he’ll get to playing Bond is in a production of Octopussy co-starring Taylor Swift’s cats in the theater in her playroom – Vulture

In highly important news, Rita Ora’s chonies made an appearance in public last week – Drunken Stepfather

McKayla Maroney didn’t Kylie Jenner her lips, so claims McKayla Maroney – Celebitchy

The bad news for Bethenny Frankel’s lawyers is that her train wreck of a divorce is finally over and so they no longer have anything to bill her for. The good news for Bethenny Frankel’s lawyers is that she’s now free to marry husband #3 and do the messy divorce thing all over again! – Reality Tea 

Ariel Winter drips with elegance in a pair of coochie cutters – The Nip Slip

FYI: Aaron Carter felt the need to have a website in 2016, and now that website is being held hostage by an intern who was allegedly wronged – Jezebel

Joke’s on Fox News, because Roger Ailes was planning to quit anyway so that he can devote all of his time to running his crime empire on Tatooine – The Superficial 

The heads of One Million Moms have popped off of their necks again, because Nickelodeon is putting a gay married cartoon couple in one of their shows – Towleroad

Jessica Alba is in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna 

Here’s Kristen Stewart in half-assed Ashley Spinelli cosplay – Popoholic

Stephen Colbert got kicked out of the RNC and probably because his hair game is better than Donald Trump’s – Pajiba

My world is over after finding out that the hot piece from Yard Crashers may be out – Starcasm

I fucking hate Joseph Kahn for making me side with the Kartrashians – Popsugar

Racist trolls spewed racist troll barf at Leslie Jones – Uproxx

Add Camilla Belle to the long list of people who are loving the takedown of Taylor Swift – Just Jared

Nope. – SOW

Pic: Splash

Earlier today, I saw this headline:

There’s not many words in that headline, but there’s still 55 layers of raw fuckery to unpack. Normally, I’d think that The Onion has lost it and is getting way too crazy with their headlines. But since this entire election has spit up load after load of WTFness, I knew it was real. And it is.

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I don’t know if this makes cucumbers happy or sad, but I do know that now it’s safe for Joshua Jackson’s friends and family to eat cucumbers at his house again. Maybe.

Many relationships in Hollywood last about as long as a bag of Hostess Donnettes in my kitchen cabinet (read: 14.5 seconds), so 40-year-old Diane Kruger and 38-year-old Joshua Jackson truly slaughtered and butchered the odds by staying together for 10 years. But after a decade, they have decided that they are done with looking at each other’s face and rubbing fuck parts on the regular. Your late-90s self can open up those legs and celebrate, because Pacey is single!

Both Diane and Joshua’s rep gave this generic statement to People:

“Diane Kruger and Josh Jackson have decided to separate and remain friends.”

Diane and Joshua owns houses together in NYC, Paris and Vancouver so they’ll have to split that shit up.

This news may bring a “duh” out of your brain if you still remember last December, when Diane supposedly straddled and sucked on the face of Norman Reedus at a bar in NYC while Joshua was in the Philippines. Denials were made, and a couple of months later, Diane and Joshua posed together at the opening night of his Off-Broadway play.

THE PLOT THICKENS (not really), because Diane and Norman Reedus were photographed together (2nd row, last picture) at a birthday party in Tuscany earlier this month, and she was also papped with Pacey last Friday.

Releasing this news when the tabloids and everyone else has their noses straight up into the greasy bowels of that Taylor v. Kimye shit is a smart move. So if Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx want to confirm that they’ve been married for a year, now is the time. And if John Travolta wants to announce that he quit Scientology and is now living with his wigmaker boyfriend, now is a good time for that too. Everyone would be like, “John Travolta came out? Who cares! Taylor Swift just tweeted a winking emoji. We need to write a 1,800 word article on that!”

Here’s Joshua and his mom in L.A. over a week ago, and Diane in NYC a few days ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com