Chiwetel Ejiofor (39)
Perrie Edwards (23)
Carlon Jeffery (23)
Angel Haze (24)
Aviva (32)
Thomas Ian Nicholas (36)
Jessica Simpson (36)
Gwendoline Yeo (39)
Adrian Grenier (40)
Andrew Firestone (41)
Sofia Vergara (44)
Erika Girardi (45)
Gary LeVox (46)
Gale Harold (47)
Alexandra Hedison (47)
Alec Mapa (51)
Fiona Shaw (58)
Neil Tennant (62)
Phyllis Smith (65)
Sue Lyon (70)
Robert Pine (75)
Mavis Staples (77)
Jerry Herman (85)

Pic: ShortList

I mean the hair not the makeup. Then again, who knows what Usher makes Justin Bieber put on during “mentoring hours.” Here’s Kristen Stewart at the premiere of her new flick Equals in LA. It’s about a dystopian future wherein people don’t experience emotion. Did she even have to audition? This is the kind of gig that was written specifically for a multi-faceted gem of a performer like her, right? That Bieber-esque hairdo emotes more than she does.

Check out more pics of Kristen, and co-stars Nicholas Hoult and Jacki Weaver below.

Pics: WENN

Alanis Morrissette took to Instagram to announce the June 23rd birth of baby Onyx Solace Morissette-Treadway and deemed herself #beyondblessed. It’s not quite as dreadful as “over the moon” but #blessed is getting there. People are getting good seats at the movies and feeling #beyondblessed about it. No.

As for that name. Alanis and her husband Souleye (tn Mario Treadway) already have a 6-year-old son named Ever Imre, so they probably own a vintage VW bus and drive across the country stopping in meadows a lot. I assume they live in a souped-up yert of some sort. Rich hippies. But I think they were aiming for “darkly beautiful jewel” and ended up with “Legs and Eggs-breakfast shift stripper” on this one. “Solace” fits the bill by sounding like a wispy anime character who lives in a tree and constantly has butterflies hovering about her lavender-hued hair. But “Onyx” evokes strenuous pole-dancing on a carpet of beer-soaked ones. In Florida.

Alanis Instagrammed the below pic prior to Onyx’s arrival. Bully for her. If I had a human growing inside me, I wouldn’t be doing shit besides eating everything around me that was edioble and declaring myself on bed rest for 9 months. I don’t know how you ladies do it. Swimming? Maybe if there was a buffet at the bottom of the pool.

Pics: Instagram

The upcoming Star Trek Beyond already has some strikes against it. The most tragic one was when Anton Yelchin, who played Chekov, was killed in a freak accident last month. Other minor snags included the first trailer looking like shit, and Sia not exactly switching it up for Rihanna. And now “America’s Most Beloved Homosexual” (Richard Simmons has never officially come out) George Takei is shitting on the producers’ decision to make his old character Sulu gay in the updated franchise. Well, fellow Star Trek gay Zachary Quinto and actor/screenwriter Simon Pegg would beg to differ.

George was quoted as saying that the decision to make Hikaru Sulu (played by John Cho in the new version) gay went against Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry’s original vision and was “really unfortunate” Spock and Scotty would like a word, George.

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It was bad enough that The Legend of Tarzan’s not-right director vetoed Alexander Skarsgård swinging around the CGI jungle in a skimpy loincloth. We’ve now learned that there was a kissing scene between him and villain Christoph Waltz that was excised from the final product. Why not just have Tarzan rule the jungle in a parka, several petticoats, and a chastity belt?

The Playlist quotes director David Yates discussing a scene wherein Waltz (does he ever not play heavily accented inappropriate people?) kisses Eric Northman, former Sheriff of Area 5. While he’s unconscious. Wait – maybe not that sexy.

“We pared it back because it was almost too much. It was this really odd, odd moment when Christoph kisses him,” the director told The Times. “We loved it at the time. But early test audiences were perplexed by it and in the end it just felt too clever and overworked.”

I don’t know what’s so odd about wanting to kiss Alexander Skarsgård. Granted, Christoph Waltz smooching him while he’s unconscious might not be the homoerotic experience we all wish for Skarsgård. But that flick looks like it can use all the help it can get. They should have gone really primal with this mess and had ASKars running around nekkid like the apes that raised him. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote a ridiculous-ass story, so really go with it. Minus the flinging of shit.

And of course test audiences were perplexed. Test audiences are always perplexed. I’m pretty sure test audiences aren’t actually human. They put some cattle to graze in front of the screen. When they low at something, some dipshit producer looks up from his coke tray and demands the scene be cut. Hollywood is the worst.

Here’s some pics of an overly dressed Alexander Skarsgård leaving the Groucho Club in London this week.

Pics: Warner Bros.,Splash

Nivea’s robot seagull who shits sunscreen on people at the beach….

Crackheads everywhere are going to apply for a job at Jung von Matt/Elbe, the German ad agency behind this shitty wreck of an ad, because it’s obvious that they’ve got massive amounts of crack smoke wafting out of their air conditioning vents. The ad tricks at Jung von Matt/Elbe butt burped out a commercial for Nivea’s “Care From The Air” campaign and it features a seagull drone who flies over beaches while shitting out a load of sunscreen on beachgoers. Some ad person who hates kids probably thought to themselves, “Hmm…how can I make a commercial where chirrun get shit on without it being totally illegal?” If Mad Men ended in 2016 with Don Draper watching that bird shit attack scene in High Anxiety while high on peyote, he would’ve come up with this ad for Nivea.

Reader Andrew, who sent this in, just had to remind me “seagulling,” which takes this horrifying levels of NO. And here’s the ad in all its robot seagull-pooping glory:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KseE8eG4ZZA

Hahaha, the joke’s on those kid’s, because that’s probably bird shit, for real.

Sir John Hegarty, who Adweek tells me is an advertising legend and was the jury president of the Titanium and Integrated Lions at Cannes this year, was not at all amused by this ad. Sir John called it the stupidest thing that has ever touched his eyes, and that’s only because he hasn’t yet seen my drunk ass reenact the “Drink your juice, Shelby!” scene from Steel Magnolias with my dog (my dog plays Shelby, of course):

“You should see it. It’s the most stupid thing I think I’ve seen in my whole life. I actually thought the Monty Python team had gotten together and entered it into [Cannes], to see if we would vote for it.”

And Nivea is going to have some serious explaining to do (in court) when a dumbass sues because they smeared seagull caca all over their kids thinking that shit would protect them from UV rays.