The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help

August 3, 2012 / Posted by:

After The National Enquirer said that Macauley Culkin is filling his veins with heroin all day, every day, his rep slapped them down by saying the entire story was made of lies and if he was hooked on heroin, he wouldn’t even use their trash paper to keep his heroin in. The National Enquirer isn’t backing down, isn’t issuing apologies and has really come for Macauley by publicly saying that he needs to get help before he ends up like one of his friends who recently died of an overdose. DAMN. You know that bitch ass little cousin of yours who caught you sipping cognac (don’t judge, it was all my mom had in her “bar area” on top of the refrigerator) when you were 16 and told your mom about it? The National Enquirer is like that times ten billion. This is the “get help” open letter to Mac they posted on their website yesterday:

Our advice to Macaulay is to seek professional help to avoid the same tragic fate of other beloved celebrities, including Whitney Houston who died earlier this year.

We believe that the former child star should be doing everything he can to get the treatment he so desperately needs – and which could have saved the life of his friend Elijah Rosello.

Her family confirmed to The ENQUIRER that she did drugs with Macaulay before her drug-related death in March.

Should Macaulay’s representatives continue to deny The ENQUIRER’s accurate and detailed report, we are ready to offer him the opportunity to take a blood test administered by an independent medical lab.

It is a fact that as The ENQUIRER tracked Whitney Houston’s descent into her drug hell, she refused to admit she had a problem – and Whitney was represented by some of those people now denying Macaulay’s potentially deadly problems.

Yes, they brought Whitney Houston into this. My thoughts about this entire mess are best expressed through Kristie the Hutt’s face.

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110 responses to “The National Enquirer Tells Macauley Culkin To Get Help”

  1. Haribo says:

    this is not going to end well unless somebody steps in. mac’s fam needs to wake up NOW!

    ‘We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.’

  2. Hekki says:

    LOL at GG’s use of my new favorite word: HAMBEAST.

    While it does seem obvious that Macaulay has a drug problem, I cant figure out why this tabloid is going after him.

    At any rate, he seems like a nice guy with some demons and I hope he can get better. Lots of genuine sympathy for him.

  3. Twat Muffin says:

    GG — “hambeast” has entered the lexicon of words; it’s right up there with “landwhale”!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Fucking Insane says:

    Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:00pm.

    I was stuffing a twinkie up my hoo ha as you spoketh. Now I have a confection infection.

    Nice new avatar. Dork wad.

    Team Macauley. I hope he is okay. He never came off as pretentious or rude…always seemed like a very nice guy.

  5. Twat Muffin says:

    GG — obviously Hekki & I agree — HAMBEAST FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!

  6. louise_brooks says:

    I can’t see anything else except the picture of Kirsty Alley! LMAO!!

    I know I said this about someone else last week, but it fits here, too- she looks like one of those puppets from the Genesis “Land of Confusion” video.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zU9lv_WqK6k

  7. jack-n-the-hat says:

    Submitted by Fucking Insane on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:05pm.

    Thanks. Shit head.
    _____________________________________________
    “It’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.” ~ Kenny Powers

  8. Lurker says:

    Mila and Ashton are probably bonding more over “leaving their drug addicted partners”.

  9. guest says:

    Team Kirstie!

  10. Fucking Insane says:

    Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:08pm.

    Submitted by Fucking Insane on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:05pm.

    Thanks. Shit head.

    You’re welcome, twat breath.

    Who the fuck is that in your avatar? LMAO

    That pic of Kirstie is fucking killing me. hahahahaha Blobzilla!

  11. Gardening Girl says:

    Poor Kristie! It looks like her cheeks are sliding down her face! She used to be soooo beautiful!

    “Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice.” Deb 7/2012

  12. Fucking Insane says:

    All of you Team Kirsties must have HUGE thighs and belong to Xenu!

    Xenu is a fat guy behind the green curtain!

  13. jack-n-the-hat says:

    Submitted by Fucking Insane on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:11pm.

    Kenny fucking Powers… RECOGNIZE, BITCHES!

    On topic: McCaauuley’s gateway drug was Jesus juice and I think we can all agree that’s true facts.
    _____________________________________________
    “It’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.” ~ Kenny Powers

  14. M.E. says:

    If the Enquirer is willing to write such a bold open statement, then they must have some concrete proof.

    Get help David.

  15. Daniee says:

    I don’t know how they can really say ‘6 months to live’.
    How would they even know that??
    I can’t stand fake concern like this to sell a rag.

  16. snowpiece says:

    *ignores other shit andhelps Lochte get over his family tragedy* (his dad was arrested for DUI and his brother for selling weed in case you were wondering, LOL)

    *************************
    “Shut up, brain!” I replied. “You’re not the boss of me! Come on, vagina! Let’s get out of here, away from the party pooper trying to ruin our fun.”

  17. M.E. says:

    Kirstie – is she still skinny of her fake Xenu diet or did she gain it all back. Again.

    Her “not your period pads” commercial makes me stabby.

  18. EveryStrangersEyes says:

    when this guy wears a short sleeve shirt out of the house, i might believe that he isn’t vein bangin’… until then, yep.. get some help, “Home Alone”!

    —————————–
    “I could listen to a babbling brook,
    and hear a song that I could understand.
    I keep wishing it could be that way.
    Because my world would be a Wonderland.”

  19. Gardening Girl says:

    *prays for snowpiece’s sanity to return*

    “Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice.” Deb 7/2012

  20. Gardening Girl says:

    SHIT!

    “Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice.” Deb 7/2012

  21. sushi says:

    Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:04pm.

    While it does seem obvious that Macaulay has a drug problem, I cant figure out why this tabloid is going after him.

    **********

    I don’t know but maybe it is a good thing they are? He probably has a boatload of enablers so maybe a public shaming of the obvious will force him to get help?

  22. jack-n-the-hat says:

    snowy lololll at you avie and signature.
    _____________________________________________
    “It’s no mystery that ass has always been tits’ greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.” ~ Kenny Powers

  23. snowpiece says:

    do you think a 19 year old sexpot is behind the breakup of the maloufs?

    **************************
    “Shut up, brain!” I replied. “You’re not the boss of me! Come on, vagina! Let’s get out of here, away from the party pooper trying to ruin our fun.”

  24. Twat Muffin says:

    M.E. — you are right. I used to work in media law defense. As much as we joke about these outrageous headlines, the tabloids have learned their lessons in expensive litigation and usually don’t run stories like this unless they have hard proof on a story. Just by looking at his picture we can tell he’s on the hard shit. Where there’s smoke there’s fire — for realz.

  25. Fucking Insane says:

    Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:13pm.

    Submitted by Fucking Insane on Fri, 08/03/2012 – 12:11pm.

    Kenny fucking Powers… RECOGNIZE, BITCHES!

    You made me google, you cunt fuck rag.

    Haha…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgDaVLCaBzQ

    Okay. That shit is funny.

    You bastid fucker.

    *bows*

    Kirstie didn’t take the red pill.

    Boop boop boop.

    Wide load coming!

  26. Wanted says:

    LOL! This is a “Yeah Okay” post. Kirstie is looking nice and fat. Am I the only one who likes Kirstie Alley fat rather than as a skinny bitch?!

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