I guess Prince Andrew was too full of mummy’s turkey to attend his daughter’s engagement party last night. I can’t think of a single other reason he wouldn’t have been there. Oh well, tryptophan strikes again! Princess Beatrice and Edoardo “Edo” Mapelli Mozzi’s engagement party was held last night at Chiltern Firehouse, as originally planned. It was previously reported that the party had been cancelled due to the lack of privacy at the London venue because Bea didn’t want the paparazzi standing outside screaming “Andrew! Andrew! Look over here!” all night. Although he was in attendance at The Queen‘s annual pre-Christmas turkey lunch held earlier that day, Andrew was unable to attend the engagement party, presumably because he has another rare medical condition, one that gives him explosive diarrhea if he has even a bite of mummy’s turkey. Problem solved! The party was back on, and Andrew, again, presumably, spent the evening shitting his brains out and berating his footman to “wipe faster, you fool!” Obviously this is just a guess, why else would he miss it!? You can’t tell me Falklands war hero Prince Andrew is afraid of a couple of paparazzo. It’s not like he has anything to hide.
I didn’t pick this picture of the TODAY show team with any specific implication in mind. I simply chose an old picture from about ten years ago, because we’re about to dive into some older allegations about Matt Lauer. Ronan Farrow’s book, Catch and Kill, continues to give us more icky stories. These latest ones don’t have any allegations of rape, but they do have Matt allegedly getting with a co-worker, allegedly treating a co-worker like a “piece of meat” before pushing them out, and allegedly trying to get a job for Pippa Middleton.
The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”
Believe it or not, but up until today, Duchess Meghan wasn’t the only woman in Britain who is pregnant with a human, even though 3,865,999 posts about her pregnancy may make you think otherwise. But Pippa Middleton (aka Duchess Kate’s younger sister aka the owner of the ASS who upstaged Duchess Kate at the OTHER royal wedding) also had a baby growing in her body. She doesn’t anymore, because Pippa pippa’d out a baby yesterday.
Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s all-star royal wedding spectacular may have been stuffed full of more celebrities than the damn Met Gala, and brought out the likes of The Mighty O and Tom Hardy, who became all of us by falling asleep with his eyes open. But Princess Eugenie had Naomi Campbell on her wedding guest list today. The St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle was probably filled with the clickity clack sounds of Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan furiously pounding away at their iPhones while rage-texting their wedding guest booker for not getting them THEE Naomi Campbell.
When Pippa Middleton went to Prince Harry’s wedding last month, you wouldn’t think anything was really that off about her. Maybe that goofy little British hat that looks like wadded-up toilet paper, or that dress that looks like it was designed by the makes of Arizona Green Tea. As it turns out, something was out of the ordinary, and it was that she’s pregnant. Meghan Markle should really send Pippa a hand-written thank-you card for not wearing a tight bump-revealing dress to the wedding. Pippa’s round parts already stole the show at one royal wedding, it was kind of her not to do it a second time.