Jack Dorsey, the founder of Twitter and Square Cash, paid himself a salary of $1.40 last year. Those who don’t know Jack’s net worth might think that’s the reason why he barely eats, because all he can afford to eat is survival soup (made from snatched Taco Bell hot sauce packets and tap water taken from a public bathroom faucet). But Jack paid himself $1.40 since he doesn’t need the money and the $1.40 is in honor of Twitter’s old 140 characters. Jack only eats one meal per weekday because it makes his tech genius mind run better. So not only does he do himself up to look like a starving beach hobo, he eats like one too. I’m pretty sure that when you first look at your financials and notice you’re officially a billionaire, a setting in your brain clicks to: Time To Be As Weird As Fucking Possible.
It’s been a week since Bill Cosby went from alleged sexual predator to convicted sexual predator (the only way that verdict would’ve been more perfect if it was laid down by the rapist-destroyer Judge Rosemarie Aquilina), and as we wait to see if he’s going to die in prison or die while waiting to see if the verdict sticks, Camille Cosby has taken to the stage and warbled out a heave-inducing rendition of Stand By Your Man Even If He Was Convicted Of Rape.
After spraying herself down with a generous spritzing of Complicit from Ivanka Trump, Camille sharted out a long statement that some are calling “blistering.” If by that they mean that her statement caused oozing pus-filled blisters to form on my eyeballs when I read it, then they’re right! Camille really went for it by demanding a criminal investigation against the District Attorney, accusing Cosby’s victim Andrea Constand of being a money-hungry lie-teller, saying the media has her husband’s pure innocent blood all over their hands, and comparing him to Emmet Till, the 14-year-old African-American boy who was lynched in 1955 after a white woman lied and said he flirted with her. Well, I guess if your job for decades has been to enable and support Ole’ Pervy Puddin’ Pop, and he finally gets his, you gotta step the messiness up and throw every kind of crazy against the wall hoping that something sticks. (None of it does.)
Allison Mack, who used to be known as the harmless unflavored microwave oatmeal blonde from Smallville and is now known as the alleged sex slave recruiter for a cult called NXIVM, is currently sitting in a NYC jail cell on sex trafficking and forced labor charges. Allison pleaded not guilty to the charges, and she and the leader of the sex slave cult, Keith Raniere, are both facing a life locked up in the clink forever. Allison is apparently looking to cut a plea deal with the feds (translation: Bitch is ready to spill it and turn on her former sex slave master), and as she does that, more bits of chunky messy details are popping up in this giant bowl of thick fuckery.
Traditional sluts who still used Craigslist’s casual encounters section are pouring out a bottle of Wet Platinum lube today over the loss of a classic ho shit tool. Craigslist has closed the sticky, greasy doors of their personals section (which includes casual encounters and missed connections) after U.S. Congress passed an anti-sex trafficking law to make it easier for victims of sex trafficking and prosecutors to sue and go after sites for posting ads from sex traffickers. While the bill was presented as a way to fight sex trafficking, it’s messing with sex workers and other people just looking to bone another consenting adult. You all better collect possible fuck pieces on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder and AdultFriendFinder before they’re next!
And on the next episode of the Scientology Network’s CSI (Church of Scientology Investigation): Clearwater, Detective Tommy Girl continues to investigate the threats against his precious church. “So the question becomes, Detective Johnny T, does ice cream make you gay…” *puts on sunglasses* “Or do gays make ice cream?”
Move over Comedy Central, because there’s a new hilarious comedy channel coming up on the scene. Your DirecTV DVR, Roku or Apple TV device will soon start to reek of lukewarm bullshit and burnt Thetans (which strangely enough, smell exactly like lukewarm bullshit), because The Hollywood Reporter says that Scientology has finally delivered a gift to the zero of you who have thought, “I really love all of these Scientology commercials and wish there was an entire network filled with them!” Xenu TV, the Scientology Network, will makes it debut on streaming services and DirecTV tonight. So if want to give Scientology some hits, and also want a reason to heave up your lungs tonight, you know what to watch.
You know, not too long ago we all gathered around the television screen and laughed at Charlie Sheen (which I didn’t intend to rhyme, but now it’s my favorite poem ever!) as he spoke about his slew of #WINNING, his brokedown goddesses and possession of “tiger’s blood”. Well, those were much simpler times before Charlie became a certified nutcase and shimmied his way into infamy by acting like our favorite neighborhood crackhead. Take for instance the newest allegation being brought from one of his former fuck buddies.