No, that isn’t a picture of the longtime member of Dlisted family that we lost. I’m leading with a video of a Frenchie mime swimming in an empty pool, because 3 out of the 4 last e-mails jack-n-the-hat sent me were about dogs. The other e-mail was a story about Parasite Hilton (with the note: “PS – I’d still knock the shame outta of Paris’ ass…”), but I don’t think even he would want me to lead with her!

This morning, I found out the awful and sad news that veteran, black-belt Dlisted commenter jack-n-the-hat died. jack-n-the-hat stuck with Dlisted and was a commenter for I don’t even know how long. Years and years. Not only did he regularly make the comment section a better, funnier and messier place, he was one of Dlisted’s very first guest bloggers.

I tell this story to nearly every new writer that starts on Dlisted, because it’s one of my favorites and highly relevant to them. When jack-n-the-hat first guest blogged for me during my vacation, the whole “guest bloggers on Dlisted” thing was pretty much brand new territory. But he jumped right in. Getting hate comments thrown at you goes with the territory and Jack got some in the posts he wrote. The morning after his first or second day guest blogging, I woke up to my inbox overfilled with e-mails with his name in the subject. I wondered if he did something unthinkable like write a 1,400 word ode to Paris Hilton’s beauty or some shit. (This was pre-Kartrashian days.)

Jack also sent me an e-mail so I read that first. In the e-mail, he apologized a million times and explained that he couldn’t take the hate comments anymore and lost it. Turns out that the night before, Jack HAD. IT. and posted a full-on post where he told the commenters throwing hate at him to fuck off. It was a middle finger wrapped in a middle finger. He deleted it a quick second later. I laughed so hard that the paint on my walls chipped and there’s probably still a ringing in my dog’s ears. It was classic and we laughed about it after.

Jack was one-of-a-kind and Dlisted won’t be the same without him.

Rest in peace, Jack, and thank you.

There’s a lot of messiness coming out of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland (example: Chachi’s continued relevance, etc….), but there was one nugget of nonsense that was totally on purpose, and it’s courtesy of late-90s mall rock band, Third Eye Blind. Raise your hand if you also saw the words Third Eye Blind and immediately started singing “DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO-DOO DO, DOO DOO DOO.”

Four years ago, Third Eye Blind’s lead singer Stephan Jenkins wrote a piece for The Huffington Post called “Why We Aren’t Playing at the RNC.” In it, he basically said that they were happy to play for Republican fans, but that they had turned down an invitation to play at the 2012 RNC because it was “not my mom’s Republican Party anymore.” Four years later, TEB agreed to headline the Musicians on Call charity event at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH. That charity event, which happened last night, just so happened to coincide with the RNC. And it was pretty obvious that Stephan Jenkins’ feelings about the state of the current-day Donald Trump-led Republican Party have clearly been upgraded from “not feeling it” to “really not feeling it.”

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Yesterday, everyone reported that Lady Gaga’s relationship with Taylor Kinney was as dead as her dream of hearing her name called out by Anthony Anderson during the Emmy nominations. They were done! Over! The tacky engagement ring was off! And a blind item may have been solved! Last night, Lady Gaga hopped on Instagram to confirm the news herself, except she had just one teensy little correction to make. Their love isn’t 100% dead, it’s just in a coma.

Gaga took a break from her Mexican vacation to post a black and white picture of herself and Taylor looking like a a couple of hipster Precious Moments figurines with a caption about how they’re “soulmates.” It’s very ‘soap opera character talking to themselves in a mirror’, which is pretty much what I’d expect from Gaga. For full effect, wipe a thin layer of Vaseline over your screen and throw on the theme from Love Story.

Taylor and I have always believed we are soulmates. Just like all couples we have ups and downs, and we have been taking a break. We are both ambitious artists, hoping to work through long-distance and complicated schedules to continue the simple love we have always shared. Please root us on. We’re just like everybody else and we really love each other.

A photo posted by Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) on Jul 19, 2016 at 9:05pm PDT

I, for one, can completely relate to that. I’m currently in a long-distance relationship with the Cheesecake Factory. I don’t know why Canadians love that shit, we just do. I’ve been in love with them from the very first second that artery-clogging sweet cheese hit my lips. Sadly, the closest location to me requires a $500 plane ticket and a few days off work. The last time I saw them was two months ago. Sure, I can eat a President’s Choice frozen cheesecake at home, but it’s just not the same. Thinking about it almost makes me cry. If I’m getting this sentimental over crappy cheesecake, I can only imagine how it feels for Gaga and Taylor. Getting regular pussy and dick is right up there with cheesecake.

Pic: Wenn.com

Dang. I guess when they said they were going to “re-posses” my truck they meant it. – Texndoc

Upvote winner:

Before he was taken into custody, Phil Specter led police on a pretty wild chase. – perky

Pic: Uber Humor

Tiffany Trump’s contribution to the music world “Like a Bird“!

All week at the Republican National Convention, Donald Trump’s spawn has been earning their trust fund by burping up words of praise for the half-digested cheese curd. Last night, it was his second youngest’s turn. 22-year-old Tiffany looks like an early-80s actress who was so close to landing the role of Chrissy Snow’s other cousin Cammy Snow before Three’s Company was canceled. What I’m saying is that if I had to choose a favorite Trump, Tiffany would be it.

Malia Obama’s fourth grade teacher hasn’t come out to say that Tiffany Trump’s speech sounded a lot like the paper Malia wrote about her family, so based on that, I’d say that Tiffany nailed it. While sounding like Miley Cyrus doing her “job interview” voice, Tiffany didn’t really get into political shit. She mostly spilled out “stories” about her dad like how he used to add nice notes to all of the report cards she still keeps, was the first to call her when someone close to her died and was the kind of hands-on dad who measured her chest for her first bra. (Okay, she didn’t say that last part.) Like I said, Tiffany didn’t really get into politics and told several old stories about her dad, so her speech felt more like a eulogy. If that was Tiffany’s way of saying that her daddy’s campaign is almost dead, well played, Tiffany!

Because of Tiffany Trump’s grand debut on a NATIONAL STAGE yesterday, many pulled out her one (and so far only) gift to the world of art. Like many children of rich, famous bitches, Tiffany dabbled in music and in 2011, she released “Like a Bird,” which sadly isn’t a cover of “I’m Like A Bird.” Tiffany did the song with Sprite and Logic (who are surprisingly, not lost Teletubbies) and its lyrics are pure pop poetry:

I see you like that spot above.
Crawling through the liquid love.
You’re cute and you’re tweeting me!
Baby you go “Beep, beep, beep!”

It’s the kind of lyrics that Taylor Swift would write if Taylor Swift hit puberty. And here’s Tiffany’s musical masterpiece in all its auto-tuned dream pop glory:

The RNC would’ve been for nothing if Tiffany Trump doesn’t close that bitch with this song of the summer!

Pic: Amazon

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