Macaulay Culkin Is Back On The Market!

For those of you out there who has always dreamed of Macaulay Culkin doing the Home Alone slap onto your ass cheeks before AAAAAAAHHHH-ing your butt hole, can take off your chonies and get comfortable because there’s a good chance that it will actually happen! Mila Kunis’ rep confirms to UsWeekly that she has plucked Macaulay Culkin out of that special place in her heart after 7 long years together. The seven year itch has claimed another! Or maybe Mila wanted one less name to memorize for her maybe Oscar acceptance speech.

You know, Mila and Macaulay weren’t the kind of LOOK AT OUR ASSES couple who yodeled their business into the pages of UsWeekly and kept the paps on speed dial, so I actually forgot that they were still a couple. And I guess they kept their split just as quiet, because a source says they actually ended things months before Mila started promoting Black Swan.

Natalie Portman’s engaged and has a tiny swanling growing in her womb, so now Mila Kunis has all the time in the world to obsessively stalk her and steal her man, baby and life! And in the tiny bathroom of his apartment, Macaulay is probably scratching at his shoulder bone while his creepy ass father asks him, “What happened to my sweet little giiiiiiiirl?!”