Don’t ask me what a “safari pimp” is.  Since when do I have one clue about what the hell comes out of my fingers? But if I had to guess, I’d say a safari pimp is a safari tour guide who takes tourists out into the wild by day and turns out lion, zebra and gazelle ass onto the stroll by night. It’s The African Queen meets The Mack.

Usually when a creepy, mustached man is flexing his thighs in shorts on the streets of Manhattan, everyone says, “Geraldo, Geraldo, we get it, you’re hot, put it away, pepaw.” But over the weekend, it was Jake Gyllenhaal who brought his hot thighs to the streets while looking like Freddie Mercury in Brian Fellow drag. Jake, South Korean actress Seo-Hyeon Ahn and the goddess of aliens Tilda Swinton covered the streets of the Financial District in Manhattan with even more layers of foolery while shooting Okja, the latest movie from Bong Joon-ho, the director of Snowpiercer.

Based on these pictures, you may think that Okja is about a young Tom Selleck who takes a break from his job as a ringleader at a Boy Scouts-themed circus to team up with one of Sia’s brain cells (played by Tilda) to kidnap a Korean girl.  But according to IMDB, this is what Okja is about:

A young girl named Mija risks everything to prevent a powerful, multi-national company from kidnapping her best friend – a massive animal named Okja.

So in other words, it’s about my last acid trip.

But it doesn’t matter what Okja is about because: Tilda + Jake as a jazz hand-wielding 70s Indiana Jones on meth = get that movie on my eyes now!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Poor Tori Spelling. I’m sure she was overjoyed with the attention her $260,000 tax lien had gotten her last week. But sadly for her, we’ve moved on to a much larger tax lien given to someone with a much messier financial situation. The New York Daily News says that Lauryn Hill is in tax trouble with the state of New Jersey, and she owes a whole lot of money in unpaid taxes. One would think Lauryn would have recognized that the time she went to prison for tax evasion in 2013 was the universe’s way of screaming “Start paying your taxes, Lauryn!“, but that’s not the case.

According to a tax judgement that was filed on June 30th in NJ, Lauryn Hill owes $438,211.00 in back taxes. There’s another open tax lien on Lauryn for $446,387.00, but it’s not known if the two are related in any way. You know you’ve got a reputation for being really bad at paying your taxes when a stranger like me sees those two numbers and assumes one is for 2015 and the other is for 2014. To be fair, that second tax lien could be a typo or a filing mistake or a New Jersey clerk with a background in psychic predictions getting a head start on next year.

As I mentioned above, this is the second time unpaid taxes have come back to bite Lauryn in the ass. Lauryn didn’t pay her taxes from 2005 to 2007 and she owed almost $1 million. When the New Jersey tax man finally caught up to her in 2012, Lauryn claimed she wasn’t paying them as a form of protest. Lauryn hasn’t said anything about her latest showdown with New Jersey, but I do wonder what her reason will be this time? Maybe she’ll recycle her excuse for why she can’t start a show on time. “Your honor, it’s not that I don’t give a shit about paying my taxes; it’s that filing my taxes rarely aligns with my energy. And the times that it has aligned, well, I just don’t want to do it. So you see, my hands are sort of tied here.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Almost one year after he and Robin Wright called it quits on their engagement for the second time, UsWeekly is saying that Ben Foster is now working his buff ginger game on Laura Prepon. Apparently Ben traded in one model-turned-actress from an award-winning Netflix show for another model-turned-actress from an award-winning Netflix show.

A source claims that Donna from That 70s Show and Ben Foster have been together since at least July 4th weekend. The source says Laura and Ben were seen at a bar in Cape May, New Jersey on July 1st and that Laura was “all over him.” The source adds they were “really close” and “laughing.” More recently, they were seen “making out” during a 2-hour dinner at a French bistro in New York City. If this pattern continues, I’m really excited for the possibility of a source claiming to have seen them dry humping at a BBQ joint in Texas followed by full-on fucking at a juice bar in L.A.

As for how Ben and Laura got together, UsWeekly doesn’t know. But they do have a mutual friend in common, and that’s Danny Masterson. Ben has been good friends with Danny since way back, and Laura worked with Danny on That 70’s Show. She also dated Danny’s brother Christopher Masterson for 7 years. Both Laura and the Masterson brothers are big time Scientologists, and typing “Ben Foster Scientology” into a search engine returns more than a couple results. So there is a chance there’s a romantic meet-cute story that begins with the words “One upon a time in the Celebrity Centre…”

I have very few feelings either way about two somewhat bland mid-30s actors hooking up. But I am giving a slow congratulatory clap for Laura’s down-lows today. Robin Wright has said in the past that she’s never “laughed more, read more, and come more” than with Ben Foster. Good for you, Donna! Get that enthusiastic ginger business.

Pics: Wenn.com

Just when we all thought that the War of the Assholes was already filled to the max with assholes, Khloe Kartrashian dragged a random one into it last night. Specifically, a random b-hole that is innocent in all of this and has shits to give, since that’s usually the purpose of a b-hole, but none of those shits are for the Kimye/Taylor Feud.

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Shortly after Taylor Swift allegedly ripped out his heart by hooking up with Tom Hiddleston, sources close to Calvin Harris began whispering that he had declared he was officially done dating famous types. Apparently dating a media puppet master like Taylor ruined celebrity girlfriends for poor Calvin. Either Calvin Harris has found a way to date every single non-famous person in the world and he’s now left with nothing but celebrities, or he wasn’t that serious about his dating famous people prohibition, because Page Six says he’s dating a famous person again.

According to a source, Calvin Harris is currently “casually seeing” singer Tinashe. The source adds that they’ve been on a couple of dates during the past few weeks. 32-year-old Calvin and 23-year-old Tinashe met when they collaborated on the song “Dollar Signs” back in 2014 and have stayed in touch ever since.

Another source says they saw Calvin and Tinashe having dinner at Nobu in Malibu on Saturday night, and it was “clearly” a date because they were “super close.”

So there you have it, Calvin Harris might be dating another famous (or at least famous-adjacent) person. Maybe when he swore off dating celebrities, what he actually meant is that he was done dating celebrities who had a real knack for finding themselves in the middle of massive amounts of drama with other celebrities. If that’s the case, then I’m sure Tinashe went thought a rigorous screening process before their first date. “So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that a hashtag like #TinasheExposedParty would ever start trending?”

Pic: Instagram

Just a little under two weeks ago, Courtney Stodden, the second closest thing to our modern day Aphrodite (Shauna Sand being the closet thing, of course), took her growing fetus dome out for a good old-fashioned strut on the pap stroll, and she also recently posted a picture of her bare bump on Instagram. But sadly, sometime last week Courtney had a miscarriage. Courtney’s manager Gina Rodriguez gave this statement to the media last night:

“It is with a heavy heart to inform you that last week Courtney Stodden suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Courtney and her husband, Doug, are at an emotional loss for words and are using this time to grieve with their close family and friends. Please respect their privacy as the couple try to cope with losing their precious baby and seek the support they both need.”

A quick minute after Doug Hutchison’s sperm fish humped into one of Courtney’s ovary eggs, she announced the news of her first pregnancy before the iguana piss on the pee stick was even dry. Courtney said that she was only 4 weeks, but that she was forced to announce the news because someone leaked it. That was back in mid-May. So if I do the math (“Please don’t without help from an adult.” – every math teacher I’ve had), Courtney was around 12 weeks.

Courtney confirmed the sad news that she lost her baby, the one she was hoping would be a gayby, on Twitter last night:

I love you my sweet angel

— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016

God is embracing you ❤️

— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 17, 2016

On another note, Gina Rodriguez is Courtney Stodden’s rep? I know that The CW doesn’t exactly have HBO money, but are they not paying Jane The Virgin enough?

Pic: Wenn.com