Detective LaToya doesn’t have shit on me! I came out of my mom wearing an afterbirth-splattered deerstalker cap and clutching a magnifying glass in my (still) pudgy little fist! Rihanna pulled out of a headlining gig with Lollapalooza Colombia because she doesn’t want to catch the no-joke Zika virus. Here’s two and then another two and I’m putting them together because she is obviously knocked up! Pregnant women who catch Zika can give birth to babies with serious birth defects. DO I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER TWO HERE?!?

It’s a sad day for the people of Colombia with Lollapalooza tickets. Rihanna’s pulling out caused them to cancel the entire festival. This is despite other scheduled performers like Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, and the Chainsmokers. Lana just aimed her beach house bazooka at Rihanna’s private jet for effing with her money. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL RIHANNA’S BABY, LANA?

Of course, this is all total supposition. Zika is terrifying – pregnant or not. And I should admit that I didn’t even think about Rihanna’s actions suggesting a baby until I fully read Michael K‘s assignment to write about this and got to “knocked up???” in the parentheses at the end. Before that I assumed Rihanna was just using it as an excuse not to have to fly her ass down to South America. Because Tape nightclub isn’t in South America and the girl has been practically living there lately.

Who am I kidding? I’m no detective. If this were the Scooby Gang, I’d be somewhere between Daphne and Scrappy. *frown*

Pic: Splash

Lower-tier One Direction member Louis Tomlinson is currently brawling with ex-girlfriend Briana Jungwirth over custody of their 5-month-old son Freddie Reign. He’s filed for joint custody. TMZ sez that Louis is now willing to avoid painful legal proceedings if Briana would keep his name out of her various social media accounts’ mouths. He also wants pre-approval of any picture of Freddie that she wants to post (probably with the hashtag #ATMBaby).

Briana’s response to this was basically “it’s my kid, and I’ll post a picture of him and every single dirty diaper he creates if I damn well feel like it.” She also reportedly noted that she’s never talked shit about Louis online so he should just calm his boy bander tits. Or something to that effect. I’m way hungover and paraphrasing is my bestie today.

Louis supposedly thinks that his current girlfriend Danielle Campbell is making his ex’s teeth gnash with jealousy hence the withholding of child. Briana has countered with her feeling that Danielle is just a psycho One Direction stan and she’s nervous because new girl knows where her ass lives and has the security code to her gated home. My feeling is that I need to get knocked up by a pop star so I can have him buy a house for me that has cool shit like a gate and security codes and probably a water feature in back. Why can’t I have ovaries?

Pic: WENN

This particular People cover doesn’t have anything to do with this post. I just want to know Kimmy Gibbler’s secrets now.

Following in the legendary footsteps of Arnetta the Moodsetta and the safety slide-utilizing Jet Blue flight attendant, People magazine reporter Sara Hammel quit her gig by spilling the tea on the magazine (and a couple of celebrities) in an e-mail blast on Monday.

Hammel’s resignation snatched at the wigs belonging to George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez and an unnamed Hollywood A-Lister who was such a perv to her that she wanted to stab him in the balls with her reportin’ pen. She also noted that Lt. Olivia Benson (the celebrity not the cat) rivals Claire Danes when it comes to the ugly-cry.

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Erin Esurance!

While dragging the wine and bread-filled bloated bag of skin I call a body all around Paris yesterday, I saw some chick with short pink Tinkerbell-like hair and I don’t know why, but my brain processed the image of her and then spit out the memory of Erin Esurance.

Erin was an auto insurance agent by day and a sexy spy by night, and she was Esurance’s mascot for a moment. But in 2010, Erin probably anonymously wrote a piece for Salon titled “I Was Fired Because Horny Hard-Up Nerd Boys Couldn’t Stop Drawing Porn Of Me,” because Esurance shit canned her due to all of the cartoon porn starring her that covered the internet. I know, I’ve heard of tricks losing their jobs because they did porn. But losing your job because horny dudes drew you naked? The “morality clause” in Erin’s contract was no joke.

Wikipedia tells me that Esurance wanted more dude customers who were 18 to 24, so they created a big-tittied sexy mascot in heels. Erin looked like the FernGully fairy with a dye job and chichi implants. And when you put a big-tittied sexy mascot in heels in front of dudes, some of them are going to fap until their hand falls off and stitch their hand back onto their wrist so they can fap some more before drawing her ass naked. If you Google “Erin Esurance porn,” your eyes will be hit with plenty of pictures of Erin sexing a dude, Erin sexing a chick, Erin tied up and Erin getting it butt-style by some kind of alien. (Side note: “Getting it butt-style by an alien” sounds like a Craigslist ad from a Scientologist.) This is the tamest of tame fan art picture of Erin out there:

Esurance never said why they retired Erin, but CBS said at the time that they most likely got rid of her because of the porn. Poor Erin. It’s not her fault they drew her so sexy. But now I’m wondering if other insurance mascots have been given the porn treatment. Before I find the answer to that question, I need to check if my health insurance covers “mental health treatment to deal with being exposed to SUCIO images on the Internet” before I Google “Are the Aflac duck, The General, Flo and the Geico Gecko in cartoon porn?“

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lGBWksA8fo

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E! is confirming that Rihanna and Drake are indeed and once again a thing. Here they are exiting London’s Tape nightclub at 5:30 AM. Brexit what? This is the REAL news from the UK!

God, 5:30 AM is so late/early. Hearing birds singing their irritating morning song as you leave the nightclub/party/dumpster you were drinking behind is the most depressing sound in the world. It’s like the soundtrack for a suicide attempt.

Wheelchair Jimmy has supposedly been obsessing on RiRi ever since they parted bongs. According to E!, an “insider” tells them that “he still loves her and never stopped.” This would be totally heart-warming if we weren’t talking about self-absorbed millionaires limo-ing around the world while you have have to deal with that annoying Mandy chick from Marketing who is so fucking loud on the phone. Shut up, Mandy.

And when commenting on this “Open Post,” please make sure and take a shot at guessing what the hell Rihanna is wearing. There’s some denim, and some fringe, and some prairie and that belt. She’s really challenging us here.

Salivate over more pics of Rihanna and Drake leaving Tape in London below.

Pics: WENN