Amber Rose Will Get A Million Dollars For Being Married To Wiz Khalifa For One Year

That’s the face of a woman who knows that humping on a jacked-looking human joint will be totally worth it someday. And that day is today! Or at least the day the cheque clears. According to TMZ, Amazonian snu snu goddess Amber Rose is set to receive more than $1 million when legally quits her 12 month marriage to Wiz Khalifa. Sources connected to both say that before they got married, Amber demanded an 8-page prenup that would cover her ass (literally) if shit between her and Cheez Whiz went bad. And Amber wants the prenup enforced, because she’ll get more money that way. Obviously! That’s Chapter 1 in the Get Money Bitch Handbook.

TMZ also says that regardless of whether or not Wiz and/or Amber were passing their no-nos to other hos, she’ll still get her hands on that busted Muppet’s millions, because California is a no-fault state and there was no mention of cheating in their prenup. Additionally, their prenup says nothing about custody, so Amber is asking for full custody of their adorable 1-year-old son Sebastian.

I know that Wiz Khalifa looks like weed dipped in crazy and rolled in bath salts, but I’d marry his ass for 10 years if it meant I got a million dollars every 12 months. Are you kidding me? A million dollars a year?? Sign me up! I’ll make him breakfast and shit too! I’ll work hard for that money! Yes, I’ll wake up every morning next to a human sticker book who’s hair sort of looks like one of those creepy stick bundles from True Detective, but I think I can deal with that. I’d just have to keep repeating the Get Money Bitch mantra: “Don’t be a dummy, bitch get that money.“

Things Between Amber Rose And Wiz Khalifa Are Definitely Getting Messy (UPDATE)

When the news broke yesterday that beautiful bald booty-shaking earth angel Amber Rose had filed for divorce from her Clifford from Muppets Tonight-looking husband Wiz Khalifa after only one year of marriage, I was actually very sad. I almost felt a tear form in my eye! Amber and Wiz seemed like they’d be together forever. I mean, just look at their exquisitely tacky wedding photo; if that isn’t the definition of soul mates, then I don’t know what is.

Thankfully I’ve had 24 hours to make peace with the fact that true twerk-poppin’ tattooed muppet love is dead and burning in a dumpster fire somewhere, and I became hopeful that maybe their divorce won’t be a dramatic mess. NOPE! According to TMZ, shit is already starting to get dirty. A source close to Amber says that she knew something was up when he wouldn’t let her come on tour with him in July. He claims he wanted her to stay at home and look after their 1-year-old baby, but Amber was convinced it was because he wanted to pass his skinny scarecrow dick to a plethora of hoochies without getting caught by his wife. The source says Cheez Whiz tried to assert his dominance by explaining that she needs to stay home because he’s the ‘breadwinner’ and he needs to be alone to make money.

Of course, Wiz maintains that it’s Amber who’s responsible for breaking up their happy home by rubbing her bubble butt on Nick Cannon’s wild n’ outs, and that she was a nag.

Now I don’t know what the hell to believe! I was under the assumption these two spent their nights cuddling under an afghan on the couch while watching Love It or List It, but it sounds like their marriage involved a lot less TV and way more running full-tilt to the bathroom to wash the strange off their down-lows while the other one chased after them screaming “IF YOU AIN’T GUILTY, THEN LET ME SMELL IT!”

And now that I know that their marriage is offically offically over, is it wrong of me that I sort of hope Wiz and Amber get into a messy custody battle over Amber’s butt?

UPDATE: And it gets even messier! Amber Rose just threw some not-so-subtle shade at Wiz Khalifa on Twitter:

Please stop with the fake stories. I would never ever ever cheat on my husband in a million years I think u guys know this…..

— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) September 25, 2014

Unfortunately my now ex husband can't say the same….

— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) September 25, 2014

Pic: Instagram

Amber Rose And Wiz Khalifa Are Over And It Might Get Messy

First Chavril, then Mama June and Shuggy, then Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner, and NOW Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa? Amber was just twerking in Wiz’s honor. That’s the seal of true love. How can it be over?! If you’re married, you better start hiding joint money in off-shore accounts before trolling for rebound dick, because everyone’s breaking up. The Grim Reaper is snatching up everyone’s marriage.

At the MTV Video Train Wreck Awards last month, Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa were the definition of understated elegance and pure love when they showed up looking like a two pence medieval hooker and an Emo scarecrow found in the clearance section of a Hot Topic the day after Halloween. But behind that facade of true love, their 1-year-old marriage was drowning in dirty bong water. TMZ says that Amber Rose filed papers to legally quit Wiz Khalifa after only 1 year of being married to him. Amber claims that they barely broke up on Monday, so shit went down and I’m bracing myself for all the side tricks who will crawl out from under the dumpster to sell their stories to Life & Style.

Amber is asking for full physical and legal custody of their 1-year-old son Sebastian and is happy to let Wiz visit him. Amber doesn’t have to ask for spousal support, because she says that the prenup she and Wiz signed guarantees her a monthly check.

Sources tell TMZ that their split is bitter. There’s been rumors that Amber’s wandering chocha has wandered over to Nick Cannon’s rogue dick. Nick’s production company recently signed Amber to a TV and book deal and some say that they’re more than just business partners. If that’s true, then Mimi should get REVENGE by fucking Wiz Khalifa. Wiz Khalifa looks like a skinny ass Sanrio character, so boning him shouldn’t be a problem for Mimi.

And really, we should’ve seen this coming as soon as Amber Rose showed off the giant, horrific kiss of inked death she tattooed into the back of her arm:

I hope Nick Cannon (or whoever her next piece is) gets off on having a stoned Wiz Khalifa stare at him as he hits Amber Rose from the back. Some kinky motherfucker would.

Here’s Amber Rose buying stuff in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

This Is The Look: Amber Rose’s Lace Curtain Couture Wedding Gown

Kanye West’s original My Size Barbie Amber Rose got married to rapper Wiz Khalifa last year, but unlike Kanye’s kurrent My Size Barbie, Amber didn’t immediately try to pimp out pictures of her wedding for cash (“Ew, why would you have a wedding if you can’t make money off it?” – Kim Kardashian).

So to celebrate their 1-year anniversary, Amber and Wiz decided to finally release a couple pictures from their special day to Instagram (via People), and thank god they did, because this shit is Bed, Bath and BEYOND! To say that Amber Rose’s bedding-inspired wedding dress is “exquisite” is an understatement; that dress is a damn sleep comfort creation fit for a bald alien princess. It looks like she checked into a very fancy French hotel from the 80s, pulled the bed skirt off the bed, ripped the curtains off the windows, grabbed all the lace-trimmed towels, called housekeeping, ordered more towels and bed skirts, then made a giant pile and dove in the middle. The bottom half of Amber Rose’s gown is so huge, I feel like she should be sitting on the back of my granny’s toilet with a roll of Charmin under her dress.

But why is Amber holding on to her son Sebastian? I’m sure all that fabric could easily support the weight of a baby. Hell, Wiz Khalifa probably could have made a seat in one of the lace folds and cruised down the aisle on the side of her dress like he was riding an Acorn Stair Lift (he is wearing your nana’s favorite suit jacket, after all).

And is it just me, or did seeing Amber’s ruffly rippled wedding dress make you really hungry for a Breyer’s Viennetta?

Pics: Amber Rose, Wiz Khalifa

Wiz Khalifa Took A Snooze During Taylor Swift’s Grammy Performance

I always thought my spirit animal would come to me in the form of a talking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a drug rug, not a come-to-life Clifford with regrettable neck tattoos and sloppy Busta Rhymes hair; but I guess life happens when you’re making other plans (or something else I read on a poster in the washroom of my dentist’s office while furiously spitting out fluoride). Anyways, today I found a kindred spirit in Wiz Khalifa when Us Weekly reported that he recently admitted on Fashion Police that he fell asleep during Princess Taylor’s piano recital performance at the Grammy’s:

“I loved that you had the good watch on, which is the detail,” Fashion Police host Joan Rivers told Khalifa of his flashy accessory at the Jan. 26 Grammys in L.A. “How many times did you check that watch during Taylor Swift’s endless ballad?”

“We love Taylor,” Khalifa’s wife Amber Rose replied, diplomatically.

But Khalifa didn’t want to play so nice. “I love Taylor, but I’m not even gonna lie, I fell asleep,” he said. “Just a little bit . . . then I woke back up.”

You had me at falling asleep, you lost me at “I love Taylor”. I’m kidding! Everyone’s allowed to love one embarrassing thing. Some people have Del Taco. Others have Tevas. For me, it’s Ke$ha (and not in an ironic way, either. I legit would love to be friends with that terrifically sloppy dumb pastel mess). So I’ll give Wiz a pass on Taylor, but it’s so over if I ever hear him say “You know what? Two and a Half Men is actually really fucking funny”. YOU GET ONE. ONLY ONE.

The 2015 Grammy committee should take what Wiz is saying as a valid criticism of the show, and not just the brain fart of a guy who looks like he eats Crunch Berries all day long in his sweatpants. Taylor was boring. But you know what made her 1000% more interesting? When someone superimposed Ryu from Street Fighter kicking her in the face:

To prevent napping, they should film all the performances in advance and add in video game character doing dumb shit. How could anyone fall asleep to Sonic the Hedgehog running laps around Macklemore?

Amber Rose Finally Gave Birth

Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa’s baby was living inside her womb for 9 months, but it felt more like 19 months (aka 9 months in Jessica Simpson gestation time), because for the longest time I’d open up my browser and see pictures of her looking like a circus ball. I can’t believe she got through her pregnancy without having to fight an elephant in a tiny hat  because he kept trying to pick her ass up with its trunk. But a baby finally came out of Amber Rose’s body today and Wiz Khalifa (born name: Cameron Jibril Thomaz), who looks like the tree in Sleepy Hollow or like an air dancer that was hit by a low-flying plane, tweeted the news before a nurse washed the uterus jelly off his kid:

Happy Birthday Sebastian “The Bash” Taylor Thomaz!!! Everyone welcome this perfect young man into the world

The Bash? They either want their kid to be a rapper, a third string wrestler on the indy circuit or a cast member on the reboot of Jersey Shore 2031. But I will give them a few slow claps for paying tribute to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

And now Amber Rose can go back to starring in commercials for whipped cream flavored vodka. Does this mean that Smirnoff’s new flavors will be titty leche and placenta?

via UsWeekly