Thank god Shakespeare is dead because even he couldn’t take the sad news that true love has officially died. As Dina Lohan has broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years (the one she never met or or even FaceTimed with). And it turns out it’s for the reason that most things go wrong: Michael Lohan.
Kate Major may have married into the Lohan family after becoming half of an unholy union with Michael Lohan, but it’s like she was destined to be a part of their messy, messy bloodline. The Blast is reporting that Kate got into some trouble again, this time with a bus driver.
I’m sorry everyone, the world’s most relevant and inspiring couple, Michael Lohan and Kate Major Lohan, have broken up. Tragic! Does true love even exist anymore? First Lil Xan and Noah Cyrus and now this? My heart just can’t take it.
The Blast is reporting that Kate filed papers in Florida yesterday to legally make her a divorcee, claiming that the four-year marriage was “irretrievably broken”. I think Michael Lohan has a few relationships in his life which can be described as “irretrievably broken”.
At least temporarily while she’s in the United States talking to other Americans.
I’m sure the busted Euro-purr Lindsay Lohan puts on when she’s out of the country will return the second her plane crosses the 30th meridian west. “Hello, flight attendant? May I bother you for some (crosses line) of zee…how you say, wah-toor? Wahtoor wiss…uh…how you say, slice of ze lemon?”
Kate Major landed herself in some hot Lohan-scented water (it smells like jail and clipped cigarettes) back in October for pulling her usual stunt: getting sloppy drunk and attacking an authority figure. This time the figure in question was a cop. In The Idiot’s Guide to Fucking Up they call this “El Clasico.”
On the current cover of Star Magazine is a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s come-to-life V for Vendetta mask of a fiancé Egor Tarabasov grabbing her arms during a fight on a beach in Mykonos. The picture came from a video that was taken by someone who watched LiLo and Egor fight in a Jeep before she threw his cellphone onto the sand and he twisted her arm while trying to pry it out of her hand. It was yet another messy situation in LiLo and Egor’s messy Lifetime movie of a relationship. Over the weekend, The Daily Mail published an interview they did with LiLo about that video and the night he allegedly choked her out in London. LiLo also says that her barbecued turtle turd of a father Michael Lohan uses her for press and attention. I know, you better freebase Xanax right away, because learning that Michael Lohan is a low-down dirty attention whore is just too much of a shock to your nerves on a Monday.