This past November, Lindsay Lohan announced that she was engaged to her man of a couple of years Bader Shammas. And as everyone Googled, “Who is Bader Shammas?”, Dina Lohan probably Googled, “What is Bader Shammas’ net worth?” (answers: Bader Shammas is a Kuwait-born financier whose net worth is reportedly $4 million). Well, Bader Shammas can now count White Oprah and Michael Lohan as his in-laws because he and LiLo are officially married. We’re really living in the reboot of the early-aughts because every single star from that legendarily messy car picture got married within a year of each other. Paris Hilton got hitched in November and Britney Spears got married last month. Hopefully, LiLo brought a little early-aughts elegance into her wedding by wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat with a veil.
And in a PLOT TWIST, that headline is not unfinished and I didn’t mean to write: Lindsay Lohan Is Engaged… In Alleged Shady Activity. Lindsay Lohan is engaged to her boyfriend of about two years, Bader Shammas, a man who may be the only human on earth willing to marry into the Lohan family. I’m sure that Dina Lohan has already introduced herself to every single person who Bader is even a little bit related to by calling them up and saying, “Hello, it’s me, White Oprah, and since we’re family now, I was wondering if you could give me a little loan. I take cash, crypto, all major and minor credit cards, Venmo, Square Cash, Apple Pay, Google Pay, and I can even send a carrier pigeon if that’s easier!”
Here are two polar opposite Lohan family member stories. On the one hand, we’ve got Michael Lohan, getting arrested again. This time for allegedly running a rehab patient brokering scam in, where else, Florida. And on the polar opposite end of the spectrum, there’s his daughter Lindsay Lohan, breaking with family tradition by revealing that she has good news worth sharing: she got a job! And unlike her dad, her job is legit and not illegal.
Someone get an E! or an MTV camera crew up to Long Island, STAT! Dina Lohan and Kate Major–both exes of Michael Lohan–are now full-on living together. If that ain’t the messiest, most morally-bankrupt reality-television series waiting to happen, I don’t know what is!
Apparently Kate Major needs to be a writer on How To Get Away With Murder because she’s allegedly trying to frame Michael Lohan for assaulting her. Michael was arrested for the millionth time for allegedly choking Kate in Southampton, New York on Monday. She called the cops and he was taken to his second home, a jail cell. Well, now the plot thickens. Kate got caught allegedly drinking and driving in the Hamptons on Sunday, a day before Michael’s latest domestic abuse arrest. Michael is alleging that Kate made the whole assault up because he tipped the police off to her drinking and driving. So Kate got revenge. Hell hath no fury like a messy mess ready to spread the mess around.
Big political “Yikes” coming in from Michael Lohan, of all people. The end of the world has to be upon us when people like the Lohans are somehow involved in global political corruption/alleged assassinations. According to Michael, Lindsay Lohan and the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman, are only “platonic” friends. I mean… uh, okay? Oh, and apparently Lindsay is doing “good work” in “Syria”. I mean, I had to put quotations because… is she?