It’s been a while since the true heyday of Ashton Kutcher, when he was wearing Von Dutch hats and Kabbalah string while boning any side piece who would listen to him talk about Twitter while then-wife Demi Moore was out of town. These days, I just figured he and now-wife Mila Kunis lived off her Jim Beam bucks, showed up on the Bachelorette and occasionally acted in a shitty movie to pay for all those courtside seats. Seriously, the only person to go to more basketball games than those two is mid-90s Madonna, and that was only because she was a warm-up for the Chicago Bulls.
Last month, British diving twink, Tom Daley, learned the hard way (that’s not a pun, it looks like a semi-softie in the video) that sometimes when you send a trick a private Snapchat video of you touching your parts, that trick may leak it to the world. 22-year-old Tom said at the time that he did send a video to a fan on Snapchat, but he and his 42-year-old fiancé, Dustin Lance Black, were on a break at the time. Tom also said that he never met up with anyone and it’ll never happen again. But now here comes The Sun to say that Tom Daley shamelessly lied about not meeting up with dudes, because their source says he regularly did the butt-first dive onto a hot male model.
Apple should really do a workshop at their stores that teaches cheating slut tramp whores how to unsync their phone number from the family iPad so the adventures of their roving fuck parts (and the fuck parts of their side ho) won’t be exposed.
Shortly after Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced that they slipped a toe tag on their dead 13-year marriage, Radar burped up a story about how she fired the nanny, who is female, because she thought that the nanny may have been taking care of her husband’s dick too. Now UsWeekly is saying that Gavin did go where Jude Law, Ben Affleck and Ethan Hawke have gone before: the nanny’s poon.
I don’t know if that Pom is pissed at the paps for taking unflattering pictures or if that Pom knows that Gavin screwed the nanny and refuses to look at his cheating slut ass.
Screw the sheep. 2015 is really the year of the nanny cooch. First Ben Affleck gets accused of doing the nanny and now Gavin Rossdale. UsWeekly says that Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage has been over for a long time. They’re doing their divorce Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert-style. They worked out the details of their divorce months ago, because they want the process to be quick and easy. A source says that Gwen and Gavin’s 13-year-marriage was lying in the gutter before she had their youngest child, 1-year-old Apollo, and they were hoping a new baby would fill the cracks in their marriage. That didn’t happen, obviously, so they decided to call it a day on their marriage.
TMZ’s source echoes UsWeekly’s story, but also claims that Gwen had the urge to bust a “smell yo dick” on Gavin, because she believed that his peen had made its way into side piece ass. Throughout the years, there’s been rumors and blind items about how Gavin screwed around on Gwen. Gwen apparently hated that Gavin spent a lot of time on the road with Bush and he felt that was hypocritical of her since she tours too. Radar has also jumped in and says that Gwen suspected that Gavin cheated on her and specifically, she believes that he boned the nanny, who is a woman.
Just a week before McDreamy floated off to heaven on Grey’s Anatomy, there was a story in Page Six about how Patrick Dempsey was about to get fired, because he replaced Katherine Heigl as the resident cuntified asshole. Well, now InTouch Weekly and Radar say that Patrick didn’t only get fired because he was a diva. Patrick also got fired for allegedly putting his wandering peen into the poon of a much younger intern. Apparently, both Shonda Rhimes and Ellen Pompeo weren’t having it. I’m sure you didn’t read any of that, because you were too busy trying to trace McDreamy’s peen print with your eyes in that picture.
A source says that while Patrick was still with his now estranged wife Jillian Finke, he regularly fucked on a Grey’s intern. A source says that Patrick and the intern started doing it in August and when Ellen Pompeo found out, she told Shonda Rhimes and his wife whom she’s friends with. Shonda Rhimes has no time for married actors humping on her interns, so she killed his character off even though he still had a year on his contract. A source says that on top of Bill Clintoning an intern, Patrick also bitched and moaned about storylines and not getting enough screen time.
Radar’s source says that before he was fired, Patrick was suspended and the side piece intern was moved off of the set and into Shonda’s production offices. When Patrick came back from the time out corner, things didn’t get any better.
“There were lingering feelings of anger towards Patrick, and it was only getting worse. This is when he began showing up late, not remembering lines. Shonda had no other choice but to fire him.”
Patrick Dempsey’s spokeswhore stamped the word “LIES” on both Radar and InTouch’s story. InTouch had the story up this morning, but yanked it down a few hours later. Some figured that Patrick’s lawyers got to them, but InTouch’s editor tells Jezebel that nobody threatened them with a lawsuit. It was just a mistake. The story is still in their print issue. It was never supposed to be online.
If this is true, then Shonda Rhimes is the one who is clearly in the wrong here. Shonda is in the wrong, because she should’ve turned the cameras around a long time ago and shot the behind-the-scenes foolery instead of the show. The mess happening behind-the-scenes (see: This, Katherine Heigl, Isaiah Washington, etc…) is juicier and more dramatic than the show itself. Who cares about McWhoever and that Meredith chick? I want to see shots of Patrick walking out of his trailer while Febrezing his crotch, because he doesn’t want anyone to smell the intern cooch juices on him. I also want to see shots of the writers farting in Katherine Heigl’s Gatorade. Now THAT is some Emmy-worthy shit.
And I see you shameless sluts Googling the question: “What show is Patrick Dempsey working on right now and how can I be an intern on it?“
You didn’t need Beyonce to tell you through one of her songs that Jay-Z has probably spit his camel saliva on his side piece’s crotch before riding that trick raw, but she’s going to tell you anyway, because she’s got a tour to sell. Rumors of Jay-Z’s wandering dick antics have been around since the beginning of Bey-Z time, but ever since Basement Baby tried to commit camel slaughter (call PETA!) in an elevator, more rumors have popped up. If anyone can take a rumor and stretch it out for maximum attention, it’s Beyonce. So during her and Jay-Z’s show in Cincinnati, OH on Saturday night, Beyonce perked up the ears of the BumbleBeys when she changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” (video below, starts at around the 3:25 mark). The Mirror says that Beyonce changed the lyrics “been riding with you for 6 years” to “been riding with you for 12 years” which is how long she’s been riding the camel. The STUNT QUEEN of Dereon also changed this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me.
To this lyric:
I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That bitch will never be.
Beyonce can fuck herself in the ass with that “half of me” shit. She has a lot of nerve singing that when “Resentment” was originally sung by Posh Spice. And Beyonce doesn’t even have half of the nightingale vocal skills that Posh Spice has and she never will.
BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Well, it could be one of two things. This could be another calculated move from Beyonce and Jay-Z and they’ll keep dropping hints like this throughout the tour and during the final show, she’ll serve him divorce papers while singing “Irreplaceable.” Or Beyonce is letting Jay-Z know that he better keep his sluttin’ ways on the down low or she’ll leave a trail of hay from his dressing room to the bottom of the basement stairs where a whoopin’ ass-ready Basement Baby will be waiting for him.
But in more important news, why the hell is Beyonce wearing a wedding outfit? Bitch, you ain’t Miss Havisham.