Thank god Shakespeare is dead because even he couldn’t take the sad news that true love has officially died. As Dina Lohan has broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years (the one she never met or or even FaceTimed with). And it turns out it’s for the reason that most things go wrong: Michael Lohan.
Leave it to Dina Lohan to screw up a sure thing. Yesterday we learned that Dina and the boyfriend she’s never met, Jesse Nadler, were on their way to their very own sunset-lit beach for a romantic engagement (or Jesse’s version which is a yellow sheet hung from the ceiling with a bed of packing peanuts acting as sand). Jesse had allegedly bought a ring, and Dina had apologized, and so he told TMZ that things were all good. Well therein lies the problem. Dina is reportedly mad that he won’t shut up to media about their relationship. This makes sense since Dina has always been known as the opposite of a spotlight fucker who just HATES attention.
You know what’s sad? Dina Lohan is in some depressing online, never-met-before-in-person relationship with a dude and still, she’s in a more successful relationship than me. Lindsay Lohan‘s former momager (Is she still? Does she get 10% of the Beach Club? Maybe she does and can turn that bankruptcy around?) has been dating a man for the last five years whom she has never met. Recently the happy couple had a bit of a rough patch and broke up over some jealousy issues. Well don’t worry all you romantics out there, it seems there’s hope for these two after all! So much so that maybe there’s even an engagement in the future… Oh wow this is a love story made in You’ve Got Mail–Hell.
Who hasn’t been dumped by a man they had a five-year relationship with despite having never met? The answer is everyone except those who need to live in plastic bubbles because of immune system deficiency issues, and Dina Lohan. TMZ reports that former suspected catfisher Jesse Nadler (who comes off like your flip phone-using dad posing as a sleazy Hollywood agent who specializes in direct-to-video in the clip below) has dumped Dina Lohan right before they were finally going to meet and consummate their love.
Unfortunately for her, Dina Lohan didn’t win this season of Celebrity Big Brother (Tamar Braxton did, Dina came in third with Lolo Jones), which isn’t too much of a shock because she didn’t do anything the entire time she was there. However, Dina still wins a grand prize in the form of her boyfriend, whom many believed was a huge catfish on the other end of her line, leaping from the sea of doubt to inform everyone that he’s been Dina’s catch of the day since they started their questionable relationship five years ago.
When Dina Lohan revealed her plans to marry a man she’s never seen before, I knew that Catfish co-creator Nev Schulman would get involved to help a fellow attention whore out in the name of attention. Well, if Nev’s extra messy special of Catfish starring Dina ever happens, expect fellow MTV train wreck Lindsay Lohan to make an appearance.