This past November, Lindsay Lohan announced that she was engaged to her man of a couple of years Bader Shammas. And as everyone Googled, “Who is Bader Shammas?”, Dina Lohan probably Googled, “What is Bader Shammas’ net worth?” (answers: Bader Shammas is a Kuwait-born financier whose net worth is reportedly $4 million). Well, Bader Shammas can now count White Oprah and Michael Lohan as his in-laws because he and LiLo are officially married. We’re really living in the reboot of the early-aughts because every single star from that legendarily messy car picture got married within a year of each other. Paris Hilton got hitched in November and Britney Spears got married last month. Hopefully, LiLo brought a little early-aughts elegance into her wedding by wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat with a veil.
Oh, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, you do not need this. I mean, Lindsay Lohan’s probably already dealing with non-stop calls from Scam Likely (that’s how Dina Lohan comes up on everyone’s phone) who is begging for commissary money for generic-brand Tang and hair bleach to keep up her beauty during her 18-day stint in the clink for her latest DWI. And now LiLo’s dodging flaming polyester hairballs of rage hocked at her by the furries who are pissed over her latest NFT. Yes, the furries are barking mad at LiLo over an NFT. It’s like 2007 and 2021 collided into a pile of Wait, What?!.
Lindsay Lohan took a break from her current gig as the unofficial Greek goddess of bottle service to film a horror movie called Among the Shadows. Among the shadows is where you can usually find Lindsay most nights, watching club patrons to make sure they’re tipping the recommended 18% gratuity. Although as you will see from the trailer, that’s not what Among the Shadows is about.
After years of failing to pony up the cash needed to keep the doors and windows on Lindsay Lohan’s childhood home from being boarded up by the bank, Dina Lohan’s Long Island house has gone into foreclosure.
In 2013 it was reported that Dina was $1 million in debt and took out a $1.3 million loan on her home. Obviously Dina is as good at paying loans back as she is at parenting, and the bank came calling. Lindsay swooped in to the rescue and gave her mom $40,000 to keep the bank away. It didn’t do much good. JP Morgan Chase filed a lawsuit to foreclose on her house. Dina and JP Morgan worked something out, and it allowed her to stay her house… until now. The Blast says a New York judge has ordered the home to be sold off.
According to documents, Dina is now homeless because she failed to respond to a recent foreclosure lawsuit. Not Dina’s fault. The only letters Dina probably opens are ones addressed to Nana Lohan that look like they might contain social security checks.
As of December 2017, Dina reportedly owed $1,492,784.21 on her home. When the matter went to court, Dina didn’t show up, and now some lucky Long Islander can purchase it. Who wouldn’t want a 4,119-square foot colonial with a two-car garage, a pool, and a basement that will immediately need to be decontaminated of the chemicals leaking from hundreds of expired Sevin Nyne self-tanner bottles. The new owner will just have to check the pool house when they move in, to make sure there aren’t any possums inside that look suspiciously like Dina Lohan in a mangy mink coat.
Just in time for New Year’s, Lindsay Lohan has cracked open a bottle of Cold Duck, raised a plastic red cup and burped out “I’m still here y’all!!!” Yes darling, we know. Who can forget the time when you damn near lost your finger in October during a boating accident? And, of course, by “boating accident” I mean carelessly leaving your finger just a little too close to the razor while you’re cutting the boogie sugar. Well this time it’s good news!
Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.