Over her storied career, Martha Stewart has taught us many valuable lessons, such as how to host the perfect party for your WASPy friends, how to make an orange jumpsuit work all year round, and, most importantly, how to PROPERLY set out a thirst trap. She may be an octogenarian, but Martha can out-pose any 22-year-old Instagram influencer. And according to her, there’s no stopping her hot posts!
Tom Brady Posted A “Cryptic” Valentine’s Day Message And Says He’ll Lay Off On Posting Thirst Traps On Social Media
Since he’s no longer in the NFL, we can’t really keep telling Tom Brady to shut up and play ball. After rubbing elbows with The Four Horsewomen of the GuyFieripocalypse in 80 for Brady, he’s too powerful now. All we can do is helplessly sit back and watch as his post-post-retirement post-divorce life plays out on the big Jumbo-tron in the sky we call the internet, and pray for a blackout.
Open Post: Hosted By Jason Momoa Stripping Down To A Traditional Hawaiian Malo On “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”
In between exploring his semi-recent singledom with Eiza Gonzalez and Kate Beckinsale after divorcing Lisa Bonet, Jason Momoa’s been spending his time making your Aunt Barb hot under her Dress Barn collar by ass-out fishing in a traditional Hawaiian garment called a malo on Instagram and promoting his upcoming Netflix movie, Slumberland. Jason stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! yesterday and gave all of his admirers a little more spank-bank material by stripping down to a malo again, and this time he tried his hand at making that ass clap.
Since Ben and Jennifer Lynn Affleck’s perfectly pristine, nearly-flawless fairytale wedding this past weekend, we’ve only seen pictures from Vogue of her three Ralph Lauren gowns. So as the entirety of humanity breathlessly awaits the release of the official photos of both Ben and Jennifer, the couple of flesh-covered skeletons teeming with bacteria at the center of this Love Story to End All Love Stories should, by dictate of biology and common sense, be taking a break from all the publicity to hydrate, sleep, satisfy their sexual urges and maybe have a little easily digestible food. Nothing too spicy or stimulating, they’ve been burning the candle at both ends for far too long. Ben and Jen are, after all, only human despite what you may have heard …*sotto voce* On the JLo. But alas, duty awaits and nothing short of a coordinated couple’s coronary is going to stop these two from spreading their love all the way from Las Vegas to Lake Como where Ben and Jen are currently on their second honeymoon. I say “couple’s coronary” because if Ben were the only one to go down, Jen would absolutely Weekend at Bernie’s his ass up and down Italy until she’s ready to announce her tragic widowhood…*sotto voce* On the JLo.
These thirsty motherfuckers. Slate reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are so parched that Ben has a his and herses soda fountain in his office that dispenses both Diet Coke (His) and Diet Pepsi (contractually Herses). And here I thought JLo left her Hims & and Hers holdings to Alex Rodriguez. But no, The Brand lives on, only this time instead of duking it out in your medicine cabinet, the gendered Vitameatavegamin wars will be fought at the office water bubbler, not in the bathroom.
Talk about giving it all away in the trailer! I cannot believe that after 5,000 miles of pap stroll pavement pounded, 1,000 outfit changes, 1,000 Dunkin’ cold brews with an extra pump, 500 discarded surgical masks, 6-feet of fence climbed, two airport make-out sessions, and one cardboard cutout discarded in the trash, we finally know the why behind Our Year of BenAna. And in the new teaser trailer for Dark Water, the movie that started it all, Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas lay all their cards out on the table. And the deck is stacked. With Jokers. Seriously, I say the jokes write themselves a lot, probably too much, but you have to believe me when I say I couldn’t write a more perfect punchline to this affair than the one BenAna delivers in just a few lines of dialog.