Tom Brady Is Finally Retiring “For Good”
Tom Brady has finally counted up the costs of his last failed retirement announcement and decided it’s time to hang up his cleats and kiss football goodbye. Of course, when he attempted this announcement last year he immediately went running back because he knew the life of a house husband was boring. And his ex-wife Gisele Bundchen matched his energy by running away from his ass with a divorce. His final season suffered as well, as he threw tantrums and tried to convince us he made the best decision for himself. He clearly didn’t. And rather than lose more, he has decided it’s time to end his affair with professional football once and for all.
People reports that after snapping like a hungry Chihuahua at Jim Gray during their Let’s Go! podcast Tom must have had a moment to realize why the question of retirement was bothering him so much. Basically, because it’s time, and he knows it. Hell, he knew it when he announced it before, but football is such a sexy bitch he just couldn’t resist her. But now he’s come to his senses. And rather than make a big deal about it, he took to Twitter for a quick video to let everyone know he’s officially done.
In a video, Brady, 45, said that he was retiring “for good” this time, in reference to his decision to retire and then unretire over the course of 40 days last year.
“I’m retiring. For good. I know the process was a pretty big deal last time, so when I woke up this morning I figured I’d just press record, and let you guys know first,” an emotional Brady said.
“It won’t be long-winded, you only get one super-emotional retirement essay, and I used mine up last year, so. I…really thank you guys…so much,” he continues, while choking up, “to every single one of you, for supporting me, my family, my friends, teammates, my competitors. I could go on forever. There’s too many. Thank you guys for allowing me to live my absolute dream.”
“I wouldn’t change a thing. Love you all.”
Truly grateful on this day. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️ pic.twitter.com/j2s2sezvSS
— Tom Brady (@TomBrady) February 1, 2023
Congratulations….I guess. Because it’s not like we won’t be seeing his face commentating on our screens for the next fifty years now that John Madden is in the big broadcaster’s booth in the sky. Some would say it’s a little too late for him to make this announcement, but Gisele could care less at this point. She gave Tom her well wishes, probably while horseback riding and laughing into the sunset with her hot new high-kickin’ “friend” Joaquim Valente. People reports:
Shortly after the 45-year-old quarterback announced his retirement from football via social media, Bündchen, 42, commented on Brady’s announcement post.
“Wishing you only wonderful things in this new chapter of your life,” Bündchen wrote in the comments, along with a prayer hands emoji.
not Gisele commenting using corporate jargon speak on Tom Brady’s latest retirement announcement pic.twitter.com/SmWkcgG5wg
— Aubrey Strobel (@aubreystrobel) February 1, 2023
Tom, this better be the last time you do this. Because the only person we care about retiring and then taking it back is Cher. And you aren’t Cher darling, so make sure this time you stay gone. I don’t think you can afford to take anymore losses if you decide to come back for another ill-fated run on the field.