Category: Pimp Mama Kris

Khloé Kardashian Is Reportedly Done With Tristan Thompson (Again) And Is In A New Relationship

July 6, 2022 / Posted by:

Last month, “sources” (most likely named Fris Fenner) shared that Khloé Kardashian put her deflated humps back on the market and might be casually seeing a “private equity investor” that her sister, Kim Kardashian, set her up with. He’s so far remained mysterious, which in the Kardashianverse is odd, so until they give up the goods, I’m just going to assume that his name is “George Glass.” But apparently, Khloé has sunk her chicken-taloned claws into this new, mysterious inamorato (who will probably only be exclusive to The Kardashians on Hulu season 2), because sources say she’s happy in this new relationship, and–stop me if you’ve heard this before–she’s totally done with serial cheater and father of her child, Tristan Thompson for good.

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A Thing That Happened: Kim Kardashian Hosted “Saturday Night Live”

October 10, 2021 / Posted by:

Lorne Michaels is definitely breathing out a million sighs of relief today because his reign as the overlord of Saturday Night Live will continue for another 1,000 years now that he’s given Satan the gift of giving Hell’s most terrifying kreations, the Kardashians, a big platform. As expected, Kim Kardashian followed in the footsteps of her fellow comedic icons (like Paris Hilton, Trump, Nancy Kerrigan, Rudy Ghouliani, Elon Musk, and Lance Armstrong) and hosted SNL last night. We did learn last night that Kim Kardashian can actually read words! But then again, her cue cards were probably written with emojis.

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Dame Joan Collins May Be Friends With Kris Jenner But She’s Still Got Shit To Say About The Kardashians’ Plastic Surgeries

October 2, 2021 / Posted by:

That high-pitched screeching sound that is punching you in the eardrums is Katie Couric wailing with the realization that her little memoir, Going There, is going there alright. “There” being the very bottom of the clearance bin next to whatever is left of her good friend Matt Lauer’s career. Because Dame Joan Collins also has a memoir coming out this month. Katie may have thought that dragging the likes of Martha Stewart, Deborah Norville, Prince Harry, Diane Sawyer, and Ashleigh Banfield while sucking on the slimy predator ass of Matt Lauer would sell books. But sorry, Katie’s words are about as interesting as the words on an instruction manual for a spatula now that Dame Joan is dropping a book.

In 88-year-old Joan’s latest book, My Unapologetic Diaries, she lives up to its title by giving her unapologetic thoughts on Linda Evans, Sophia Loren’s teeth, the “real obesity problem” (read: fat Juvederm slug lips), and how her good friend Pimp Mama Kris’ daughters have overtaken China as the leading contributor of plastic waste. Yes, she calls out the Kardashians for getting plastic surgery. Not only will her memoir get a Pulitzer Prize, but it’ll also be the big winner at The Brand New Information Awards.

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Kim Kardashian Failed The Baby Bar Exam

May 26, 2021 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian may be a billionaire, but money can’t buy memorization skills, booboo. And so sadly poor Kim–who has been studying to be a lawyer for some time now–ended up failing the baby bar exam in California and now her dreams of being a real-life Elle Woods (sans the self-awareness, fashion sense, charisma, sparkling personality, etc…) have deflated like her ass when she doesn’t get a tune-up.

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Kourtney Kardashian And Travis Barker Might Really Be A Thing (UPDATE)

January 24, 2021 / Posted by:

For the past few years, or so, there have been rumors that Travis Barker has really gone to the dark side by fucking on low-ranking Koven member Kourtney Kardashian. Travis pissed on those rumors (“Ugh, those rumors are so lucky!” – Kim) in 2019, saying that he loves Kourtney, but that they’re just friends and see each other at church. No, not the Church of Satan in Pimp Mama Kris’ basement where she holds sacrificial rituals to keep up her contract with Satan. And not that church PMK allegedly used as a tax haven. No, Kourtney and Travis know each other from Miami-based Vous church, which is connected to the Church of MESS known as Hillsong.

But now there’s more talk that Kourtney and Travis are a thing because they spent some time together over the weekend at the Koven’s desert headquarters (read: PMK’s La Quinta, CA house).

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Kris Jenner Wants To Trademark “You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie”

August 28, 2020 / Posted by:

The Pimp. The Mama. The Kris. In 2007, these three facets of Kris Jenner’s personality converged into an Unholy Trinity, culminating in one of the most iconic momager moments of all time. While Kim Kardashian posed ass-out for a Playboy photoshoot, Kris, armed with her own camera (pink, digital), uttered the line, “Kim, you’re doing amazing, sweetie.”

Since then, the Internet has memed the crap outta that ridiculous scene. This is why I’m surprised it took Kris thirteen long Kardashian-Jenner-filled years to cash in on that shit! Last week she finally clued in and filed docs to trademark the catchphrase. According to TMZ, Kris intends to slap it on products like makeup, clothing, home goods, books, magazines, and baby products. Oh god, will an entire generation of children learn to toilet train using “You’re doing amazing, sweetie” potties?!

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