Category: Pimp Mama Kris

Kourtney Kardashian Announces She’s Pregnant With Her First Baby With Travis Barker

June 17, 2023 / Posted by:

The cackles from Satan were extra loud around Los Angeles yesterday because a member of the Koven, Kourtney Kardashian, announced another Kardashian spawn will soon be upon us. During Blink-182’s show at the BMO Stadium last night, 44-year-old Kourtney Kardashian announced that she’s pregnant with 47-year-old Travis Barker’s baby by holding up a sign in the audience that read, “Travis I’m Pregnant.” Say what you want about the Kartrashians (and we do ), but IN THIS ECONOMY and IN THIS JOB MARKET, they are keeping the nanny industry alive! So this is excellent news for nannies who need a job and also have the patience to stand there as it takes Kourtney forty-five minutes to drool out the words, “Don’t… feed… them… su… gar.

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Lukas Gage Went From A Living In A Tiny Apartment To Dating Kim Kardashian’s Stylist In Record Time

February 21, 2023 / Posted by:

The Devil works hard but his manager, Kris Jenner, works harder. Today in What Won’t She Do news, Kris has somehow managed to turn a working-class hero into another cog in the Kardashian machine, churning out tangential plotlines in exchange for his mortal soul. Or it’s just a coincidence. But two years ago, Lukas Gage was just another one of “these poor people that live in these tiny apartments,” and today, he’s banging around on dune buddies at a luxury Mexican resort with his new boyfriend, Chris Appleton, who just so happens to be Kim Kardashian’s hairstylist. The very one who fried her shit to a crisp Corpse Blonde for the Met Gala last year.

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Khloé Kardashian Is Reportedly Done With Tristan Thompson (Again) And Is In A New Relationship

July 6, 2022 / Posted by:

Last month, “sources” (most likely named Fris Fenner) shared that Khloé Kardashian put her deflated humps back on the market and might be casually seeing a “private equity investor” that her sister, Kim Kardashian, set her up with. He’s so far remained mysterious, which in the Kardashianverse is odd, so until they give up the goods, I’m just going to assume that his name is “George Glass.” But apparently, Khloé has sunk her chicken-taloned claws into this new, mysterious inamorato (who will probably only be exclusive to The Kardashians on Hulu season 2), because sources say she’s happy in this new relationship, and–stop me if you’ve heard this before–she’s totally done with serial cheater and father of her child, Tristan Thompson for good.

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A Thing That Happened: Kim Kardashian Hosted “Saturday Night Live”

October 10, 2021 / Posted by:

Lorne Michaels is definitely breathing out a million sighs of relief today because his reign as the overlord of Saturday Night Live will continue for another 1,000 years now that he’s given Satan the gift of giving Hell’s most terrifying kreations, the Kardashians, a big platform. As expected, Kim Kardashian followed in the footsteps of her fellow comedic icons (like Paris Hilton, Trump, Nancy Kerrigan, Rudy Ghouliani, Elon Musk, and Lance Armstrong) and hosted SNL last night. We did learn last night that Kim Kardashian can actually read words! But then again, her cue cards were probably written with emojis.

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Dame Joan Collins May Be Friends With Kris Jenner But She’s Still Got Shit To Say About The Kardashians’ Plastic Surgeries

October 2, 2021 / Posted by:

That high-pitched screeching sound that is punching you in the eardrums is Katie Couric wailing with the realization that her little memoir, Going There, is going there alright. “There” being the very bottom of the clearance bin next to whatever is left of her good friend Matt Lauer’s career. Because Dame Joan Collins also has a memoir coming out this month. Katie may have thought that dragging the likes of Martha Stewart, Deborah Norville, Prince Harry, Diane Sawyer, and Ashleigh Banfield while sucking on the slimy predator ass of Matt Lauer would sell books. But sorry, Katie’s words are about as interesting as the words on an instruction manual for a spatula now that Dame Joan is dropping a book.

In 88-year-old Joan’s latest book, My Unapologetic Diaries, she lives up to its title by giving her unapologetic thoughts on Linda Evans, Sophia Loren’s teeth, the “real obesity problem” (read: fat Juvederm slug lips), and how her good friend Pimp Mama Kris’ daughters have overtaken China as the leading contributor of plastic waste. Yes, she calls out the Kardashians for getting plastic surgery. Not only will her memoir get a Pulitzer Prize, but it’ll also be the big winner at The Brand New Information Awards.

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Kim Kardashian Failed The Baby Bar Exam

May 26, 2021 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian may be a billionaire, but money can’t buy memorization skills, booboo. And so sadly poor Kim–who has been studying to be a lawyer for some time now–ended up failing the baby bar exam in California and now her dreams of being a real-life Elle Woods (sans the self-awareness, fashion sense, charisma, sparkling personality, etc…) have deflated like her ass when she doesn’t get a tune-up.

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