Yes, Anna Wintour is continuing to slowly hammer away at the very long final nail in American Vogue’s coffin by putting another Kartrashain on the cover, but I do have to give a slow clap to that demonic demon for paying tribute to Kim Kardashian’s early fame whore days by making it look like Ray J is pissing all over her. Well played, Anna!
Beyond the golden showers cover, Vogue’s Jonathan Van Meter talks to Kim at her house, which sounds as vapid and empty as her, a Mexican restaurant, and the Koven’s headquarters (a bunch of Calabasas condos that have been converted to their offices). Most of the interview is about her re-branding from soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass to a soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass who really, really cares about prison reform.
Before Vogue opened up our mouth holes and shoved Woke Kim down our throats, she talked about Kanye West’s bipolar disorder and said that he’s not on meds (because it changes who he is and she says that like it’s a bad thing), but they’ve got it under control, whatever that means. Kim also dribbled out about how Kanye isn’t a Republican or a Democrat even though he regularly slurps on Trump’s taint. Speaking of Trump, Jonathan also talked to CNN’s Van Jones and attorney Jessica Jackson, who are working with Kim and are the cofounders of #cut50, a national bipartisan advocacy group on criminal-justice reform. Van must really have been put under a dark-sided spell by the Koven, because he said that Kim was the only one who got through to Trump about pardoning non-violent criminals who are serving crazy sentences.
I watched with my own eyes Trump confess to having tremendous fears of letting somebody out of prison and that person going and doing something terrible, and the impact that that would have on his political prospects. He was visibly nervous about it. And I watched Kim Kardashian unleash the most effective, emotionally intelligent intervention that I’ve ever seen in American politics.” This may sound like hyperbole, but consider the target. Perhaps an “emotionally intelligent” intervention could have been staged only by a bigger reality star than the man in the Oval Office. “Kim understood that he needs to be seen as taking on the system, and she helped him to see that there are people who the system was against and that his job was to go and help them,” says Jones. “And it was remarkable. So for people who have fallen for this media caricature of the party girl from ten years ago who hangs out with Paris Hilton? This is the daughter of an accomplished attorney and the mother of three black kids who is using her full power to make a difference on a tough issue and is shockingly good at it.”
JESUS, Van! Blink three times if the Koven is holding you hostage and you need our help!
Because she helped to release Alice Marie Johnson and is trying to help other prisoners out of the goodness of her brand, Kim wants to become a lawyer. She started a four-year apprenticeship with a law firm in San Francisco last summer, and she’s planning to take the bar in 2020. Yes, we all know that Kim has a PhD in Fame Whoring, but she didn’t go to college. That doesn’t matter because California is one in four states where you don’t have to go to college to be a lawyer. You just have to apprentice with a lawyer or a judge.
Kim is going to take the “baby bar” in a few months. When Kim heard she had to take on something called the baby bar, she probably burped out, “But I don’t really drink,” in her baby voice while picturing a toddler bartender serving bourbon in baby bottles to other toddlers. But the baby bar is an exam that California law students at unaccredited schools must pass in order to complete their studies and take the BAR bar.
“First year of law school,” Kim says, “you have to cover three subjects: criminal law, torts, and contracts. To me, torts is the most confusing, contracts the most boring, and crim law I can do in my sleep. Took my first test, I got a 100. Super easy for me. The reading is what really gets me. It’s so time-consuming. The concepts I grasp in two seconds.” Sometime this summer, Kim will take what is known as the “baby bar” administered by the state; if she passes, she will be given the OK to continue for three more years of study.
Jonathan claims that Kim has tons and tons of law books in her house. Yes, I’m sure those aren’t just props for show and she’s read every word in them. I’m also sure that Kim is going to strain her Botoxed fingers from studying so hard, and by that I mean she’s going to Aunt Becky it by writing a check.
This is terrifying news, because if Trump wins 2020 and Kim passes the bar (read: her check clears) in 2022, you know what’s going to donkey punch us in the face next:
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE KIM KARTRASHIAN!
Hold me closer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I’m scared. And you know Pimp Mama Kris’ devil horns are shaking in anger over this. If any one of her hos was planning to be the less-charismatic, less-fashionable, and less-everything Elle Woods, she was hoping it would be Kourtney. That way she can easily sell a court show to E! called Kourt Is In Session! The hell is she going to do with Judge Kim?!
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I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long, many said it would never come. Words cannot begin to express how much of an honor it is to have my first solo US cover of @VogueMagazine. I remember as a little girl flipping through my mom’s subscription each month and dreaming of one day gracing the cover of this iconic magazine. Thank you to the incredible Anna Wintour for your support as always, it means the world to me. @Tonnegood, @Mikaeljansson and the glam team were an absolute dream to work with. I’m so incredibly grateful to writer @Jonathanvanmeter for illustrating a glimpse into my life in a way that I don’t think has ever been done – from juggling family, my businesses and pursuing a law degree with such care and seriousness. Special thank you to my husband Kanye for speaking into existence that one day I would grace the cover of Vogue when everyone told me to be “more realistic.” #dreamsdocometrue #speakitintoexistence #voguemagazine Photographer: Mikael Jansson @mikaeljansson Stylist: Tonne Goodman @tonnegood Makeup: Hannah Murray @hannah_murray1 Hair headpieces: Shay Ashual @shayashual Cover Look: Chanel top @chanelofficial; Irene Neuwirth necklace @ireneneuwirth. Vogue Team @sergiokletnoy & @jilldemling
Pic: Mikael Jansson/Vogue