Dame Joan Collins May Be Friends With Kris Jenner But She’s Still Got Shit To Say About The Kardashians’ Plastic Surgeries

October 2, 2021 / Posted by:

That high-pitched screeching sound that is punching you in the eardrums is Katie Couric wailing with the realization that her little memoir, Going There, is going there alright. “There” being the very bottom of the clearance bin next to whatever is left of her good friend Matt Lauer’s career. Because Dame Joan Collins also has a memoir coming out this month. Katie may have thought that dragging the likes of Martha Stewart, Deborah Norville, Prince Harry, Diane Sawyer, and Ashleigh Banfield while sucking on the slimy predator ass of Matt Lauer would sell books. But sorry, Katie’s words are about as interesting as the words on an instruction manual for a spatula now that Dame Joan is dropping a book.

In 88-year-old Joan’s latest book, My Unapologetic Diaries, she lives up to its title by giving her unapologetic thoughts on Linda Evans, Sophia Loren’s teeth, the “real obesity problem” (read: fat Juvederm slug lips), and how her good friend Pimp Mama Kris’ daughters have overtaken China as the leading contributor of plastic waste. Yes, she calls out the Kardashians for getting plastic surgery. Not only will her memoir get a Pulitzer Prize, but it’ll also be the big winner at The Brand New Information Awards.

I’m sure that after a long day of judging hos during a champagne brunch, judging hos during a champagne lunch, and judging hos during a champagne dinner, Dame Joan slips into nothing but her bathing diamonds and slithers into a porcelain tub filled with Diptyque bubbles to sip some more non-burnt champagne while dictating her day to her assistant (a topless man piece in silky boxers and secretary glasses). And now Dame Joan is sharing pieces of her daily diaries with the world.

According to The Daily Mail, your 1% grandma who scowls at you when you go in for second help of cranberries at Thanksgiving, writes words about how people eat too much, how her friend Elton John has gained weight (“It suits him,” she writes), how she won’t give any “oxygen” to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, and the plastic surgeries of her on and off-screen nemesis Linda Evans. Again, Joan’s book will sweep The Brand New Information Awards because, in this book, she writes about how Linda would come to the Dynasty set with tape on her eyelids, which is something she’s said before.

But Joan also writes about how looking at Sophia Loren’s teeth makes her eyes widen like the sight of a peasant in jeans. Sophia Loren’s teeth (which will be my new Twitter handle) look fine to me, but not to Joan:

On to the subject of Sophia Loren and her huge teeth, which Dame Joan says, ‘look like they have been carved out of ivory’. She jokes about how many sets of ‘terrible teeth’ there are in Beverly Hills. Fair comment? ‘When I saw that written down I did say, ‘Is that rude?’ she admits.

‘She’s still alive. But it’s not as if we’re bosom buddies and she’s never going to speak to me again. And it’s true!’

Another “friend” that Joan may piss off is Pimp Mama Kris for going after her kin, who Joan shit talks about with other friends.

Am I the only one who thinks there’s an obesity crisis? Those lips people have done, I think they look ludicrous. I’m sorry. And if people want to go round looking like that I’m going to laugh at it.

‘We all talk about it. Have you ever been in a hairdressers? The Kardashians, for instance.

‘Kris Jenner, their mother, is a good friend of mine and I don’t want to be rude about her children, but there’s an awful lot of surgery there and I’ve talked to my friends about it, as I’m sure you have, the bottoms, the tiny waists.’

Joan wonders if her quips come off as “bitchiness” or if she’s just “refreshingly honest” as some people say. But Joan defends herself on coming for people’s looks by saying that she’s been “relentlessly” dragged her for her looks:

Not that her comments come from a place of cruelty. They come more, perhaps, from a lifetime of having her own looks dissected. ‘I have been relentlessly criticised for how I look,’ she admits.

‘Relentlessly! For everything. For my make-up, my figure, my face. I’ve been accused of having a lot of face work – and I’ve had none. When I was in the play Private Lives someone said, ‘She wore a silver dress but she had a large belly.’ Well, it was cut on the cross.

Dame Joan isn’t lying about never getting plastic surgery on her face. It’s scientifically impossible. Any scalpel will immediately melt when put near her face because even it knows that it cannot perfect perfection. As for Joan facing the Satanic wrath of Pimp Mama Kris, please. Even Lucifer’s Lady Macbeth knows her powers are nothing compared to Joan’s. I mean, thanks to Joan’s words in this book, the world will end soon. Because now that Joan has called out the Koven’s surgeries, they will never ever get any kind of face or bodywork again. And the real Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are wrinkles on the faces of Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, and Kris.

Pic: Wenn.com

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