Kim Kardashian may have cried her eyes out (as much as possible since her tear ducts are probably near-sealed shut with filler) over the dissolution of her marriage on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, but now there’s a rumor that her divorce storyline is coming to an end since she might be trying to work things out with Kanye West. That’s sad news for CNN anchor and one of Kim’s legal mentors, Van Jones. Van and Kim were rumored to maybe be the next unholy union on Kris Jenner‘s twisted web of fate, but now that Kanye is possibly back in the picture Van is finally saying how “absurd” the dating rumors were.
Yesterday, two dicks stuck their tips into space a bit (“They did?! I hardly felt it.” – space). Jeff Bezos and his circumcised dick rocket launched into suborbital space and spent three quick minutes there before coming down to earth, although, I think it’s impossible for Jeff Bezos to really ever be down to earth. You would think that everybody would have nothing but good things to say about the richest human on Earth spending $5 billion to take a billionaire joy ride to space while Amazon drivers have to shit in bags and the planet burns. But people dragged Jeff and they really dragged him when he smugly thanked Amazon employees and customers for making his Make A Wish: Billionaire Edition dreams come true. Jeff made it all okay, though, by announcing that he is giving a total of $200 million to philanthropic chef José Andrés and Kim Kartrashian’s mentor and rumored piece Van Jones for them to donate to non-profits of their choice. Sure, earlier in the day, Jeff Bezos probably also “donated” millions to the gold toilet he pissed in since one of his piss streams is worth at least $10 million, but hey!
Kim Kardashian may be a billionaire, but money can’t buy memorization skills, booboo. And so sadly poor Kim–who has been studying to be a lawyer for some time now–ended up failing the baby bar exam in California and now her dreams of being a real-life Elle Woods (sans the self-awareness, fashion sense, charisma, sparkling personality, etc…) have deflated like her ass when she doesn’t get a tune-up.
CNN’s Van Jones looks to be the front-runner to win the upcoming season of Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian’s Kooch. According to Page Six, “A new burble’s coming out of the Kim Kardashian klub. Throats are clearing throats after whispering the name Van Jones,” which can only mean one thing — someone has had a stroke. Of genius that is! “Klub” is obviously code for Kooch. And Yahoo! reports that some of Kim’s recent posts on social media seem real bookish, suggesting a renewed interest in her law career which Van is said to have helped to nurture.