A Thing That Happened: Kim Kardashian Hosted “Saturday Night Live”
Lorne Michaels is definitely breathing out a million sighs of relief today because his reign as the overlord of Saturday Night Live will continue for another 1,000 years now that he’s given Satan the gift of giving Hell’s most terrifying kreations, the Kardashians, a big platform. As expected, Kim Kardashian followed in the footsteps of her fellow comedic icons (like Paris Hilton, Trump, Nancy Kerrigan, Rudy Ghouliani, Elon Musk, and Lance Armstrong) and hosted SNL last night. We did learn last night that Kim Kardashian can actually read words! But then again, her cue cards were probably written with emojis.
Kim opened the show while looking like Pink Alley Cat (the broken condom baby of The Pink Panther and a knock-off Thundercat figurine). The writers who wrote Kim’s monologue basically repeated what people have been saying about her family for years. Kim said the words written for her including jokes about her klone sisters, Pimp Mama Kris’ gold-digging boyfriend, Kanye West’s flop ass political dreams, Caitlyn Jenner’s flop ass political dreams, O.J. Simpson, her mom selling her sex tape, and her mom pretending not to know about Caitlyn. Honestly, I’m shocked that the monologue didn’t end with an enraged Debra Messing storming the set and tackling Kim.
And believe it or not, it was all downhill from there, pretty much! Because as for the skats (typo and it stays), Kim’s eyes stayed glued to the cue cards as though they had the discount code for a BBL tune-up written on them.
At this point, Princess Jasmine needs to file a restraining order against Kim, because Kim got into PJ cosplay again for an Aladdin skit with Pete Davidson where he awkwardly kissed her chin and she made a black dick joke.
For this episode, it looks like Lorne called up some famous people and said, “Hey, you know that blackmail material I’ve got on you? Get your ass here on Saturday night or it gets out,” because Chris Rock, John Cena, Chace Crawford, Blake Griffin, Amy Schumer, a Bachelor dude, and Jesse Williams all made an appearance during a sketch about The Bachelorette.
And Pepto Bismol must be an SNL advertiser, because not only did they give us a big diarrhea-inducing serving of a Kardashian, but they gave us two more! Because Pimp Mama Kris and Khloe Kardashian showed up last night. They were in a skit where Kim changes bodies with Aidy Bryant, and in one where Kim makes fun of Kourtney Kardashian. And if you thought Kim had the comedic timing and delivery of a dehydrated kidney stone, get into Pimp Mama Kris who makes Kim look like the comedy genius of our time. Kris really should’ve asked Lucifer to give her at least an ounce of comedic skills during her latest sacrifice to him.
There were also skits about being old in the club and lottery numbers, and a blatant Skims ad. But it wasn’t all about the Koven. Halsey was the musical guest and during their second performance, Lindsey Buckingham made an appearance and played guitar as Halsey yodeled while wearing some shit straight from a Stevie Nicks-themed Met Gala. I’m guessing that they went to commercial seconds before Lindsey dropped his guitar and said, “You know, can I just use this time to say one more thing about those motherfuckers of Fleetwood Mac...”
If you watched last night, you’re probably still in a boredom coma. And joining you are the writers who probably passed out from exhaustion after spending a week trying to make the Kardashians funny.