Without looking it up, I dare you to name what the theme of this year’s Met Gala was or what any celebrity other than Kim Kardashian was wearing. If you only remember Kim, you probably would have guessed that the theme was Believe it or Not: Desecration and Disrespect in #Thesetryingtimes, but it was actually Gilded Glamour. ‘Memba her? Kim’s Marilyn Monroe dress debacle was bad for America and even worse for Vogue the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute. So for next year, Anna Wintour and Co. have taken steps to ensure that no such displays of fake-assery will distract from the theme for the 2023 Met Gala. Vogue reports that recently departed fashion giant Karl Lagerfeld will be honored at next year’s gala and the theme will be Keeping It Kunty: Fatties To The Back, alternately titled Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty, although I think we know which one he would prefer they use.
Turns out we bid farewell to Bruce Willis’ career prematurely. According to ITV, Bruce has bravely gone where no A-list star has gone before and sold his likeness in perpetuity to an AI marketing company/”talent agency” called Deepcake, for use in “brand endorsement videos,” film, and television. Unfortunately for Bruce and for the integrity of humanity on the whole, Deepcake has the power not only to put Bruce in Russian phone service ads as they’ve already done, but they can also make their AI Bruce do anything they want. That means, sometime in the near or distant future, we might just get that hard-core, XXX Moonlighting reboot some sicko out there has probably been clamoring for, only instead of Cybill Shepherd, Maddie Hayes will be played by Marilyn Monroe, and Kevin Hart’s in it as some kind of DraftKings branded sex dwarf.
Khloé Kardashian Once Turned Down A Proposal From Tristan Thompson And Her Sisters Are “Concerned” That’s She’s Gotten “Very” Skinny
Watch out, world! Khloé Kardashian is officially too skinny for
prime time streaming in the background at a budget nail salon that reeks of acrylic glue and economic exploitation. The most chimeric of all The Kardashians, the one with the kaleidoscope face, has been told by MULTIPLE SIBLINGS that they’re concerned that she’s gotten “really skinny,” much to her feigned shock and surprise. This coming from the same family who she claims once told her she was too fat for “their brand” while doing promotion for her now-defunct solo reality hosting gig, Revenge Body. Well, Kris Jenner better prepare to eat her hat because it turns out Khloé CAN take a note after all. And it’s not like Khloé’s going to help her eat it. Do you know how many calories are in an average chapeau?
Even though Tom Hanks started the pandemic, I don’t think there’s an actor in Hollywood whose career has been more affected by it than Ana De Armas. Just as she was about to soar to new heights like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Ben Affleck’s back, lofted up, up, up to the stars by Daniel Craig’s propulsive Knives Out Foghorn Leghorn accent, the entire industry fell out of the sky and landed squarely on Daniel’s Peppa Pig No Time To Die accent, which was supposed to be Ana’s next big break, delaying that film’s release two entire years. Then came the snails *shiver*. Now, as if two cursed projects weren’t enough, in walks Blonde to a chorus of “BUT WHY?”s, and I’m not just talking about the talking fetus that gave Netflix the vapors. Well, unfortunately for Ana, her Blonde director Andrew Dominik answered that question in an interview with the British Film Institute in which he reduces Marilyn and Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes to “well-dressed whores.” Ana, I know you believe in ghosts so believe me when I tell you— Ana you in danger, girl!
The fact that the hardest working woman in show business has been dead for 60 years speaks volumes about our culture. And since our culture can’t read real good, Marilyn Monroe has about as much chance of resting in peace as Ana de Armas does of wiping Deep Water and all that led up to it from our collective memories. Even if Blonde, for which we now have a feature-length trailer, skyrockets her to stardom, there’s always going to be a faint snail trail left behind.
Yes, we’re back to this fuckery again. Pimp Mama Kris must have something bad bubbling under the surface down in Kalabasas (they haven’t changed the spelling of “Calabasas” yet, but we all know it’s coming), because whenever something not so great is happening in Kardashianland, it seems like the “Satan of Spin” deploys one of the K-klan to step out on the stroll to create a diversion. Kim Kardashian has made several stops recently to promote her new skincare line SKKN by Kim, but made sure to drop some tender nuggets for people to eat up so they pay no attention to whatever krap may be going on behind the kurtain. Apparently, Kim isn’t eating any kind of nuggets though, because even though literally no one asked her, she said that she’s lost even more weight since slimming down to fit into Marilyn Monroe’s president-plundering dress for the 2022 Met Gala; and, no, that weight wasn’t the 150 pound, tattooed dudebro Pete Davidson (but I’m sure that’s on the horizon), it was five more pounds on top of the 16 she’d already lost to (still not really even) fit into Marilyn’s dress.