Category: LEAVE MARILYN ALONE
“Blonde” Named Worst Picture At The Razzies
It’s OSCUH Day!! Who is going to be crowned prom king and queen of Hollywood? We only have a scant few hours to find out. In the meantime, the Academy Awards’ ugly sister the Razzies has already taken place, so we finally know who got the pig’s blood dropped on them. And the winner is…Blonde! I wonder if Ana de Armas and the film crew told Marilyn Monroe’s grave that they were getting her blessing for making the worst film of 2022.
Lukas Gage Went From A Living In A Tiny Apartment To Dating Kim Kardashian’s Stylist In Record Time
The Devil works hard but his manager, Kris Jenner, works harder. Today in What Won’t She Do news, Kris has somehow managed to turn a working-class hero into another cog in the Kardashian machine, churning out tangential plotlines in exchange for his mortal soul. Or it’s just a coincidence. But two years ago, Lukas Gage was just another one of “these poor people that live in these tiny apartments,” and today, he’s banging around on dune buddies at a luxury Mexican resort with his new boyfriend, Chris Appleton, who just so happens to be Kim Kardashian’s hairstylist. The very one who fried her shit to a crisp Corpse Blonde for the Met Gala last year.
The Theme For The 2023 Met Gala Is “Karl Lagerfeld: A Line Of Beauty”
Without looking it up, I dare you to name what the theme of this year’s Met Gala was or what any celebrity other than Kim Kardashian was wearing. If you only remember Kim, you probably would have guessed that the theme was Believe it or Not: Desecration and Disrespect in #Thesetryingtimes, but it was actually Gilded Glamour. ‘Memba her? Kim’s Marilyn Monroe dress debacle was bad for America and even worse for Vogue the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute. So for next year, Anna Wintour and Co. have taken steps to ensure that no such displays of fake-assery will distract from the theme for the 2023 Met Gala. Vogue reports that recently departed fashion giant Karl Lagerfeld will be honored at next year’s gala and the theme will be Keeping It Kunty: Fatties To The Back, alternately titled Karl Lagerfeld: A Line of Beauty, although I think we know which one he would prefer they use.
Bruce Willis Sold His Likeness To A Deepfake Company
Turns out we bid farewell to Bruce Willis’ career prematurely. According to ITV, Bruce has bravely gone where no A-list star has gone before and sold his likeness in perpetuity to an AI marketing company/”talent agency” called Deepcake, for use in “brand endorsement videos,” film, and television. Unfortunately for Bruce and for the integrity of humanity on the whole, Deepcake has the power not only to put Bruce in Russian phone service ads as they’ve already done, but they can also make their AI Bruce do anything they want. That means, sometime in the near or distant future, we might just get that hard-core, XXX Moonlighting reboot some sicko out there has probably been clamoring for, only instead of Cybill Shepherd, Maddie Hayes will be played by Marilyn Monroe, and Kevin Hart’s in it as some kind of DraftKings branded sex dwarf.
Khloé Kardashian Once Turned Down A Proposal From Tristan Thompson And Her Sisters Are “Concerned” That’s She’s Gotten “Very” Skinny
Watch out, world! Khloé Kardashian is officially too skinny for prime time streaming in the background at a budget nail salon that reeks of acrylic glue and economic exploitation. The most chimeric of all The Kardashians, the one with the kaleidoscope face, has been told by MULTIPLE SIBLINGS that they’re concerned that she’s gotten “really skinny,” much to her feigned shock and surprise. This coming from the same family who she claims once told her she was too fat for “their brand” while doing promotion for her now-defunct solo reality hosting gig, Revenge Body. Well, Kris Jenner better prepare to eat her hat because it turns out Khloé CAN take a note after all. And it’s not like Khloé’s going to help her eat it. Do you know how many calories are in an average chapeau?
The Director Of “Blonde” Called “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” A Movie About “Well-Dressed Whores”
Even though Tom Hanks started the pandemic, I don’t think there’s an actor in Hollywood whose career has been more affected by it than Ana De Armas. Just as she was about to soar to new heights like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Ben Affleck’s back, lofted up, up, up to the stars by Daniel Craig’s propulsive Knives Out Foghorn Leghorn accent, the entire industry fell out of the sky and landed squarely on Daniel’s Peppa Pig No Time To Die accent, which was supposed to be Ana’s next big break, delaying that film’s release two entire years. Then came the snails *shiver*. Now, as if two cursed projects weren’t enough, in walks Blonde to a chorus of “BUT WHY?”s, and I’m not just talking about the talking fetus that gave Netflix the vapors. Well, unfortunately for Ana, her Blonde director Andrew Dominik answered that question in an interview with the British Film Institute in which he reduces Marilyn and Jane Russell in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes to “well-dressed whores.” Ana, I know you believe in ghosts so believe me when I tell you— Ana you in danger, girl!