Two-and-a-half years after being “canceled” for her offensively horrible personality, Lea Michele has hit an all-time career high. No, it’s not becoming the face of buccal fat removal. It’s starring in Funny Girl, which just broke a box office record at Broadway’s August Wilson Theatre
Lea Michele is getting some attention, but it’s not about race or bullying this time! Lea shared selfies on her Instagram, and social media lit up about buccal fat removal–the new procedure allegedly making its way through the women of Hollywood like Pete Davidson. Lea’s name was tossed around with other women, and people started talking about the hot new insecurity people can have about their faces. But, of course, like all superficial cosmetic things, there’s a medical downside. so before you vacuum your cheeks to fit in with weirdos, consult a professional!
I don’t know who is cursing whom at this stage but something funny is going on on the Funny Girl set. The messy production went through hell this year when Beanie Feldstein had a will they-won’t they relationship with the famous play. She finally decided to quit the bitch and give the role to the greatest STAH that’s ever graced the Broadway stage: Lea Michele. Lea took over and immediately turned the ship around, making it a box office smash and getting great reviews. NOTHING will stop her quest from being known as THE one and only Fanny Brice (sorry, Barbra!). Unless it’s a back injury.
I guess the anatomy lessons Lea Michelle gave to Jonathan Groff back in their Spring Awakenings days must have included a skills lab on kissing ass because here he is years later teaching a master class on the subject. As we know, right now Lea’s the talk of the town with her turn as Fanny Bryce in Funny Girl, having taken over the role from Beanie Feldstein who was having difficulties getting butts in seats even once, let alone the multiple times a night Lea gets their asses clapping in standing ovation. As for her own ass, which got handed to her last year by scores of former coworkers who reported her shitty behavior with much glee, Jonathan’s buffed it to a glossy shine with his lips by penning a “tribute” for Variety in which he all but credits Lea for single-handedly saving Broadway, and by extension New York City itself. Which leads me to ask, what the hell did Jonathan see when he looked inside Lea’s pussy? Was it God?
She did it. She showed them all! Lea Michele is, in fact and in deed, the greatest star. Deadline reports that since Lea took over the role of Fanny Brice in Broadway’s beleaguered revival of Funny Girl, ticket sales have skyrocketed netting the show $1.6 million for Lea’s first week of performances, up from just $659,874 the previous week. Ipso facto, since in America we equate profit with greatness, Lea is the undisputed greatest star (of the current cast of the Funny Girl revival on Broadway except on Thursdays when Julie Benko plays the role. On those days Julie is the greatest star and Lea reverts to the greatest star who can’t read).
After what seemed like eons, it finally happened. Lea Michele got her Satan-granted wish and made her debut in Funny Girl this week. Not only did she get to show the world her Fanny Brice, but she got multiple standing ovations for it! It just goes to show that if you dedicate yourself to being an awful person, the universe will reward you for it! However, it appears as though Lea’s voodoo spell on Beanie Feldstein has run amok and the curse has extended to the general production of Funny Girl because Lea has come down with COVID-19, thereby putting a stop to her Fanny for 10 days. The lighting crew better watch out. Who knows who’s next!