Open Post: Hosted By The Barfing And Shitting Vultures Who Are Ruining A Couple’s Florida Vacation Home
A New York couple’s dream vacation home is being destroyed by vomiting and shitting vultures who refuse to leave. Basically these vultures are the Michael Lohan of wildlife and it’s costing this couple their second home. I mean, Florida has been generous with its reasons to not build a dream home there but vomiting, butt-spewing vultures are definitely sending a clear message.
After we were promised that the Cats movie was going to be every layer of insane, and after everyone prepared to throw their pussies against the screen from getting teased with Idris Elba shaking his shit as the mysterious criminal pussy overlord Macavity, the trailer finally hit our eyeballs and souls, and you better grab a gallon jug of holy water and hide the cat nip before pressing play. Because it is a night terror for all your senses. It does not disappoint.
They honestly should’ve waited until August 26 to release this trailer, because that’s International Dog Day, and this hacked-up musical hairball is a gift to canines everywhere. They’re all going to howl with happiness into the air over how Hollywood did catmanity. If this doesn’t cause all cats to finally rise up against us evil humans, I don’t know what will.
Oh here go hell come… Oh dear me… While the nuns are busy trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Maria, I’m scratching my head trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Kanye West. Do we give him a time out? Do we just pretend he’s not here and eventually he’ll just stop the tantrums? Or do we just acknowledge him and say “good job, sweetie. Now mommy has to work, so shhhhhh”? Whatever the solution, today we come to the part of the show where he pulls his pants down at the dinner party and says “LOOK!” Kanye West has released his video for “Famous” (the song which features Rihanna and Swizz Beatz and includes a line about making Taylor Swift famous) unto the world.
That’s the face of someone who just realized they’re about to spend an entire week stuck on an island with a person who will definitely ask if the ice in their Mai Tai was made from artisanal hand-collected volcanic water that was filtered through the petals of an organic molokai flower.
Even though every time Gwyneth Paltrow calls up Jennifer Lawrence for a girl-hang, it probably goes straight to her machine, she’s still trying to make friends with her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. An “insider” tells Radar that Goopy is planning another beach vacation with Chris Martin and their kids, and this time she wants his girlfriend to come too. Radar says she’s also inviting her secret-not-secret boyfriend, American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, and they’re all going to Hawaii. I think that might be the first time a week in Hawaii has ever sounded like a total nightmare.
“Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and she wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children. The plan is to spend a week together in Hawaii, as soon as all their schedules permit, but definitely before the end of summer.”
Of course, the insider says Jennifer Lawrence is “dreading” it, but she can’t talk Chris Martin out of it, because he’s still “spellbound” by Goopy. Spellbound? Um, are we sure that’s not just the result of a lack of oxygen to his brain from one of his scarves being tied too tight?
At the very least, JLaw could always make the best of a bad situation by trying to sneak SPAM into Gwyneth’s vegan palm leaf wraps and laughing when she asks “Oooh, what’s in this? It’s delicious!”
Here’s Goopy’s pre-sunrise beach cardio pilates partner with a whole bunch of hair extensions on her head walking from her car to her apartment in NYC yesterday.
The tl;dr version of “All The Shitty Things That Were Mouth Farted Out During The Duggars’ Interview with Megyn Kelly” is: EVERYTHING.
If you have ice packs on your forehead and squirted a whole tube of Bengay on your face first thing this morning (and not in a sexy way), your mug is probably sore as all hell from cringing while watching Jim Bob Duggar and his brainwashed hostage Michelle Duggar dribble out shit-wrapped excuse after shit-wrapped excuse about their son Josh Duggar’s child touching ways. Megyn Kelly’s interview with the Duggars aired on Fox News last night and I really wish that it was Nancy Grace instead. That interview would’ve lasted a total of 10 seconds. It would’ve taken Nancy 8 seconds to unlock her jaw and swallow them both whole and it would’ve taken another 2 seconds for her to pull their skeletons from her mouth like a cartoon cat pulling out fishbones.
During the entire interview, Michelle stared at Jim Bob like an eager-to-please Cocker Spaniel. Every time she said something, she turned to him like, “Did I do good, daddy?”
I’m surprised Jim Bob didn’t toss a Snausage into her mouth and then pat the top of her head after she said each pre-rehearsed answer.
Last summer, a creepy stalker type who was obsessed Sandra Bullock broke into her house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. That thought alone is enough to give someone nightmares for life, but now, thanks to TMZ, we have the audio from the call Sandra made to 911, and yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as you think it is.
The 911 call was played in court during the trial of Sandra’s stalker Joshua Corbett yesterday. The call was made shortly after 6:30am on Sunday, June 8th 2014 after Sandra heard someone in her house and saw him make his way up to her attic. That’s when Sandra grabbed her kid, headed for the panic room in her closet, and called 911.
I am going to study this 911 call inside and out, because I need to figure out how Sandra Bullock didn’t totally freak the fuck out. Yes, she’s freaking out a bit, but on a scale of Pearl from Drag Race to Gary Busey on an espresso binge, she’s about a 4. I can’t even imagine what I would sound like on a 911 call if a stalker broke into my house. No wait, I totally can: I wouldn’t even have to make a call to 911, because the police would be able to hear me screaming “SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT BALLS NO!!!!!” halfway across town.
Joshua Corbett’s defense lawyers might as well just pack up their attache cases and go home, because that 911 call is all the evidence a jury needs to convict Joshua of the most heinous crime of all: scaring the shit out of American treasure Sandra Bullock.