Category: Nightmares

File Under “Terrifying”: Here’s Sandra Bullock’s 911 Call

April 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Last summer, a creepy stalker type who was obsessed Sandra Bullock broke into her house while she and her 4-year-old son Louis were home. That thought alone is enough to give someone nightmares for life, but now, thanks to TMZ, we have the audio from the call Sandra made to 911, and yes, it’s exactly as terrifying as you think it is.

The 911 call was played in court during the trial of Sandra’s stalker Joshua Corbett yesterday. The call was made shortly after 6:30am on Sunday, June 8th 2014 after Sandra heard someone in her house and saw him make his way up to her attic. That’s when Sandra grabbed her kid, headed for the panic room in her closet, and called 911.

I am going to study this 911 call inside and out, because I need to figure out how Sandra Bullock didn’t totally freak the fuck out. Yes, she’s freaking out a bit, but on a scale of Pearl from Drag Race to Gary Busey on an espresso binge, she’s about a 4. I can’t even imagine what I would sound like on a 911 call if a stalker broke into my house. No wait, I totally can: I wouldn’t even have to make a call to 911, because the police would be able to hear me screaming “SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT BALLS NO!!!!!” halfway across town.

Joshua Corbett’s defense lawyers might as well just pack up their attache cases and go home, because that 911 call is all the evidence a jury needs to convict Joshua of the most heinous crime of all: scaring the shit out of American treasure Sandra Bullock.

My Nightmares Thank You, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Between Katy Perry dressing up as a clown and Julia Louis-Dreyfus getting fucked by a clown in GQ, I’m going to need to schedule an appointment with my therapist ASAP, because I am all kinds of traumatized right now. Clowns are absolutely terrifying. There’s something about their fake, plastic-looking faces and pretend hair and fake noses and the ‘Look at me!’ attitude and the ill-fitting costumes and oh my god I’m describing Kim Kardashian, aren’t I? IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Dr. Whittmore, I think I’ve had a breakthrough!

But there is a reason why Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting humped on by Krusty. It was part of a series of 4 shots for GQ that includes her macking on a clown at a clown party, going to downtown-clown-pound town (I’m guessing by the look on her face he wasn’t hung like a slide whistle) waking up the next morning wearing a pair of clown shoes and a look that says “Thanks for making a balloon animal out of my vagina“, then skipping ahead 9 clown-months into the future where she’s holding a tiny clown baby. Speaking of, did they give that clown baby Pennywise eyes on purpose?? Thanks GQ, you can pay for my dry cleaning, because that clown baby’s evil stare made me shit my pants.

Here’s more of Julia fucking on her clown friend in GQ. And if you’re also afraid of clowns, I dare you to look at these pictures while listening to creepy calliope music (but not before you put your therapist on speed dial, because there’s like a 90% chance you’ll need them immediately after to talk you down from the inevitable panic attack):

Pics: GQ

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