There is no denying that Jason Derulo is to be congratulated, feted, honored, and celebrated for the many contributions he’s made to the culture. For starters, Jason holds the world record for The Most Times Somebody Has Shouted, “Jason Derulo!” Tangentially related, he also holds the world record for Most Likely To Throw Fists When Somebody Has Shouted “Usher!” And let’s not forget that Jason has single-handedly, or, more accurately, two left-footedly, kept the Met Gala relevant all these many years with his annual tumble down the stairs. Even without a penis, Jason managed to make Cats the most erotic film ever to receive a PG-13 rating. But what is perhaps Jason’s most significant contribution to the culture has heretofore gone unsung. However, according to Jason, he is to be singularly credited for saving TikTok from being relegated to a mere “dance app,” and transforming it into “the app that it is today” by “posting things that was more fun.” Remember when the kids stopped flossing and started licking toilet seats instead? Yep, that was made possible by the one and only —
Usher JASON DERULO! Bow down.
Jason Derulo supposedly has a huge dick and he’s got some balls too, because he decided to fight two random men, in public, on camera, in Las Vegas because one of them yelled, “Hey Usher, fuck you, bitch!” I guess Jason Derulo was not amused with being called the name of an alleged STD spreader. And he lost it.
The Met Gala is usually Ladies Night plus Jared Leto as most of the men just throw on a tux and call it a day. But this year saw a lot more fellows willing to risk it all in the name of FASHION! Ok, maybe not risking it all, but at the very least, risking falling down the stairs ass-over-tea kettle like Jason Derulo by wearing a chunky shoe. Of course, you’re gonna have your showboats like Lil Nas X here who’s outfit included two separate reveals and enough tooch-booching to make even Tyra Banks scream “THIS IS TOO MUCH!”
Much like the quarters stuck underneath the bottom of my driver’s seat I always forget Jason Derulo is there. But he has gone from singer to crotch-less cat of terror to TikToker. And recently, Jason united his love of terrifying people and his love of TikTok attention by reaching out to a baker and asking her to make him a cake. But not just any kind of basic bitch sheet cake. Nah, Jason is going for a different kind of basic by requesting a life-sized cake of himself.
The Telegraph did an interview with Jason Derulo and he talked about how he loves the pandemic quarantine. And how “everything is better” now that we’re afraid to leave our houses and catch death. Speaking of nightmares, Jason was surprised to hear that everyone hated the Cats movie because he thought it would “change the world.” Who said it didn’t? Now Furries have a two-hour big-budget movie to drop acid and jerk off to. That’s change.
If you got to this page after Googling “Jason Derulo getting his corn hole drilled,” then I am sorry to tell your perverted ass to drop the lotion and pull up your chonies because this is a G-rated family site!
The next time that Jason Derulo sings “Jason Deeeeeruuuuuulooooo” he’ll sing it as “Thathon Theeeeeruuuuuulooooo” (but probably not). Jason is a member of TikTok’s One Foot In The Grave sector (read: anybody over the age of 21) and to keep his views up, he posted a video of him eating a corn on the cob cartoon style with help from a drill and things ALLEGEDLY went wrong for his teeth (but right for his view count). Oh sure, when Jason Derulo uploads a video of him getting drilled in the mouth by something thick and hard, he goes viral. But when I do it, I get dozens of downvotes on PornHub for grossing people out.