The Telegraph did an interview with Jason Derulo and he talked about how he loves the pandemic quarantine. And how “everything is better” now that we’re afraid to leave our houses and catch death. Speaking of nightmares, Jason was surprised to hear that everyone hated the Cats movie because he thought it would “change the world.” Who said it didn’t? Now Furries have a two-hour big-budget movie to drop acid and jerk off to. That’s change.
If you got to this page after Googling “Jason Derulo getting his corn hole drilled,” then I am sorry to tell your perverted ass to drop the lotion and pull up your chonies because this is a G-rated family site!
The next time that Jason Derulo sings “Jason Deeeeeruuuuuulooooo” he’ll sing it as “Thathon Theeeeeruuuuuulooooo” (but probably not). Jason is a member of TikTok’s One Foot In The Grave sector (read: anybody over the age of 21) and to keep his views up, he posted a video of him eating a corn on the cob cartoon style with help from a drill and things ALLEGEDLY went wrong for his teeth (but right for his view count). Oh sure, when Jason Derulo uploads a video of him getting drilled in the mouth by something thick and hard, he goes viral. But when I do it, I get dozens of downvotes on PornHub for grossing people out.
The nominations for the 2020 Golden Raspberry Awards have been announced, meaning that this year’s batch of unwatchable films and performances have been scooped and sifted from the litterbox and thrust back into the spotlight for one final evening before hopefully being flushed away forever.
To literally no one’s surprise, Cats led the nominations list, tying Rambo: Last Blood and A Madea Family Funeral, with eight disgraceful nods––guess those improved visual effects failed to disguise the fact that at the end of the day people were actually expected to pay money and enjoy watching a movie featuring an anaconda-less Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift (who didn’t even wear ONE beautiful gown) and a totally normal James Corden, in terrifying––and terrifyingly shitty––cat costumes.
We all knew that Cats was going to be a flaming piece of glitter and kitty-litter covered shit from the moment that first trailer appeared. And according to critics, it is! It currently has 18% on Rotten Tomatoes, which means that’s your cue to prepare to drop an edible into your mouth to experience Cats at 100%. Congratulations to the concession stands at every movie theater, because they’re going to break records from the crowds (aka like two people at each theater) who will buy up every snack available while completely stoned. Even though there’s zero Jason Derulo dick print in Cats, the critics are really laying into it.
I didn’t think it was possible for anybody to be more obsessed with the feline genitalia of the Cats movie than I am, but Jason Derulo has just proved me wrong. We already knew that Jason is a huge fan of his own dick in its human form when he thirstily drew attention to it on Instagram. He was wet, it was fluffed, he called it his anaconda, and it was all very unnecessary. But then Instagram removed it for violating their terms of service, prompting Jason to loudly complain stating “I can’t help my size.” Apparently, that statement goes double for Jason’s appearance in Cats. According to Digital Spy, Jason was shocked to learn that his dick had been digitally removed from the finished product. I wonder what the fuck kind of movie he thought he had signed up for.
Last week, Taylor Swift was nominated for her third Golden Globe award for Best Original Song, for the original song she wrote for the movie version of Cats. The song is called “Beautiful Ghosts,” which is appropriate, considering her chance receiving a Best Original Song Oscar nomination is dead.