Gwyneth Paltrow Is In A Secret-Not-Secret Relationship With Brad Falchuk

October 25, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you’ve forgotten that Gwyneth Paltrow does everything better and more uniquely special than the average human person (cut to Gwyneth at this very moment in a lab getting her DNA triple-filtered through a $40,000 organic DNA cleansing system in an attempt to human better than the rest of us humans), it looks like now she’s found a way to put an insufferable spin on dating too. We all know that the Snobby Corn Broom has been rubbing her dehydrated down-lows on Glee and American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk for a while now, but according to Page Six, it’s recently gone from casual to still casual but also sort-of serious but like, I’m not your girlfriend, so chill out, but you better not be passing that peen.

Gwyneth Paltrow and American Horror Story producer Brad Falchuk are openly a couple when they circulate among Hollywood VIPs, insiders say.

They are “openly dating, but behind closed doors,” said an insider, who added that entertainment pros know them as a couple. “They go to private Hollywood parties together.”

Okay, so let’s try to make sense of that. They are a couple, but only at fancy private Hollywood parties. So…they are a couple? I’m so confused! Maybe Gwyneth could explain her couple-but-only-at-private-parties philosophy on GOOP? Oh, what do you know? I have an advanced copy of said GOOP post (that I totally didn’t just make up) right here!

Mindful Private Togetherness

I suppose one of your personal assistants has informed you that I’m currently seeing someone. Aren’t you so happy? Yay for me! First things first, we don’t use the term ‘dating’ – that’s for poors and regulars! What I’m doing with Bradley is called mindful private togetherness. It’s an approach that limits the exposure of your relationyacht (I don’t do relationships – ships are too pedestrian) in order to maintain its exclusivity. Just like a $900 bottle of imported fermented endangered white lion tears, only the finest of peoples may experience GOOPCHUK.

Although I’m sure if you really want to know what it looks like when Gwyneth and Brad get their couple on, you could always rub a corn broom against a constipated-looking guinea pig who sort of resembles Zach Braff, and you’d get the general idea.

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