After we were promised that the Cats movie was going to be every layer of insane, and after everyone prepared to throw their pussies against the screen from getting teased with Idris Elba shaking his shit as the mysterious criminal pussy overlord Macavity, the trailer finally hit our eyeballs and souls, and you better grab a gallon jug of holy water and hide the cat nip before pressing play. Because it is a night terror for all your senses. It does not disappoint.
They honestly should’ve waited until August 26 to release this trailer, because that’s International Dog Day, and this hacked-up musical hairball is a gift to canines everywhere. They’re all going to howl with happiness into the air over how Hollywood did catmanity. If this doesn’t cause all cats to finally rise up against us evil humans, I don’t know what will.
When everybody was bitching and moaning about how the animals in The Lion King don’t emote any kind of emotion, Universal said, “Hold the crack pipe we smoked from while coming up with this brain destroying beautiful mess,” and gave us Zoobilee Zoo on bath salts. Sonic the Hedgehog is definitely thinking, “And you morons thought I was fucked up?”
But without further ado, let’s get into the horrific creatures that will prance, twirl, and sing all through your nightmares tonight. Here’s two-time Oscar nominee Sir Ian McKellen looking not as much like a cat and looking more like Sir Bernard Ingham with a beard and a dye job:
Here’s Idris Elba knowing full well that even though he’s in CGI cat drag as Puss In Boots’ bad uncle who steals his colored contacts from the swap meet, he can still make your chonies drop:
Here’s James Corden as the litter baby of The Penguin and a bootleg Catwoman:
Here’s Jennifer Hudson (as Grizabella) making the same face I made while watching the entire trailer:
Here’s Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench wondering where things went wrong for her:
Here’s Rebel Wilson as a terrifying Deepfake Garfield:
And finally, here’s Taylor Swift who is obviously feeling her feline-self (feline-ing?) and proving that she annoys me even in CGI cat form:
Who cares if I’ll never sleep again, and who cares if the cats seem way too small. This is still going to be a wondrous wreck, and I can’t wait. I’ll be the one in the theater screaming, “Where’s that dude pussy’s dick?!“, like I did while watching every insane second of this: