In case you couldn’t tell from everyone’s mom, auntie, sister, brother, uncle, dad, grandpa, grandma, cousin, gynecologist, favorite barista, weed man, and everybody else not named Henry Winkler forming a prayer circle around a St. Hanks candle, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have both tested positive for coronavirus. This is the worst Tom Hanks-related news since we all found out he was half responsible for inflicting Chet Haze upon the world.
63-year-old Tom Hanks is currently on the Gold Coast in Australia filming Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis biopic. Tom plays Elvis’ manager Colonel Tom Parker opposite Austin Butler who plays Elvis. Tom Hanks let us all know that both he and his 63-year-old wife Rita Wilson came down with the sicks, and after being hit with all of the symptoms you get when you have corona, they got tested. And well, if you recently heard a big booming voice in the sky scream, “NOT TOM HANKS!“, it was God reacting to the news that Tom Hanks has coronavirus.
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Hello, folks. Rita and I are down here in Australia. We felt a bit tired, like we had colds, and some body aches. Rita had some chills that came and went. Slight fevers too. To play things right, as is needed in the world right now, we were tested for the Coronavirus, and were found to be positive. Well, now. What to do next? The Medical Officials have protocols that must be followed. We Hanks’ will be tested, observed, and isolated for as long as public health and safety requires. Not much more to it than a one-day-at-a-time approach, no? We’ll keep the world posted and updated. Take care of yourselves! Hanx!
Warner Bros. said that they’re working with Australian health agencies to contact everyone in the cast and crew who has made contact with Tom Hanks.
Corona fucking with Tom Hanks is not good news, but Tom Hanks is rich, so he’ll get the best care available and will hopefully continue to be America’s dad forever.
On top of all of this, the NBA has pressed pause on the entire season after Rudy Gobert, who plays for the Utah Jazz, tested positive for corona, and Trump announced a 30-day ban on travel to most of Europe.
In related news, I believe I have coronavirus, because Sarah Palin mouth shitting out Baby Got Back on The Masked Singer tonight is obviously the result of a serious fever nightmare.
Folks, this was it. This was it. It broke me. I'm broken. I'm done. pic.twitter.com/YPzRLGwTtb
— Osita Nwanevu (@OsitaNwanevu) March 12, 2020
And if it wasn’t a fever nightmare, it’s another sign that the rapture is coming. And after watching that horrifying clip again, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’re ready.