Everybody Went To The Tom Ford Show Last Night

I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).

Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson,  and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.

I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.

And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Ginger In Red……..

The BAFTAs happened in London tonight and they’re just like the Oscars except after the ceremony ends the losers are escorted to THE QUEEN’s dungeon where they’re turned into Corgi food.

All award season long (yes, I hate myself for typing that too), the ginger goddess of perfection that is Julianne Moore has mostly dressed like a kindergarten art teacher who fell onto the craft table after the kids made Valentines for their parents and tonight she finally brought the glamour. For once, people weren’t asking her, “Who are you wearing,” because they wanted to make sure to never buy shit from that designer. Julianne, who won Best Actress at the BAFTAs tonight, is giving me “torch song singer at a club where mobsters hold their meetings” glamour. I’m surprised that carpet didn’t turn a bright shade of green when it saw Julianne because it was jealous over her wearing the color red better than it.

I know, I’m not right for choosing a picture of Julianne looking like she’s trying not to wet heave, but it was the only picture where you could see a peek of her shoe (you’re welcome, Quentin Tarantino). She’s probably just gagging on her own glamour. The only way these pictures of Julianne would be hotter is if a naked Prince Hot Ginge was doing jumping jacks behind her.

I’m going to post more from the BAFTAs, but in the meantime here’s some pictures of others including Dianna Agron (I guess Britain is importing seat fillers from America now), the Bond Girls and Rosamund Pike.

Pics: Wenn.com

Oh, It’s Just Channing Tatum Wearing Amy Adams As A Scarf On Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue

It’s a shitty shame that SkyMall is close to death, because they’re the ones to sell an Amy Adams scarf.

The cover of last year’s Vanity Fair Hollywood issue wasn’t sixty layers of awful as usual, so I guess this year they decided to go back to wet farting up covers that look a shitty mess. They took the actors from some of the this year’s Oscar-nominated movies and threw them all on this raggedy cover together. On it are: Amy Adams, Channing Tatum, Reese Witherspoon, Eddie Redmayne, Felicity Jones, David Oyelowo, Benedict Cumberbatch, Sienna Miller, Oscar Isaac and Miles Teller. Almost everybody on this cover looks like hell. Vanity Fair did them wrong. Amy Adams looks like she’s been suffering from the flu for two weeks, Carol Channing Tatum O’Neal looks like a smug caveman lothario who’s carrying the woman he just clubbed, Laura Jeanne Poon’s tits look like a tiny flat ass, Eddie Redmayne and B. Cums look like two creepy aliens you can’t trust and Miles Teller loos like a confused poodle who just got Dirty Sanchez’d. Behold the pullout:

They look like a bunch of high schoolers who left prom early, got drunk on Boone’s Farms in the parking lot and then piled into a booth at Denny’s to share a plate of french fries.

I hear some of you screaming, “Who did Sienna Miller’s publicist blow to get her on that cover?” Sorry home wrecker haters, but she belongs on that cover. Not only did she say one of the important lines in Foxcatcher (“I said hi, Mark”) but she acted alongside one of the most relevant and biggest stars in Hollywood today: the fake baby from American Sniper! Speaking of, this cover is trash and whatever credibility Vanity Fair had left, they flushed down the urinal as soon as they made the decision to not put the fake baby from American Sniper on the cover. That fake baby is the only star in Hollywood who really matters.

Also, here’s some pictures of Laura Jeanne Poon, Eddie Redmayne and Felicity Jones at yesterday’s Oscar nominee luncheon in L.A. Julianne Moore is not on VF’s cover, but I threw in pictures of her, because everybody needs to know that her stylist must be stopped.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Mani Cam Is Dead: The Likes Of Jennifer Aniston And Julianne Moore Refuse To Take Part In That Stupid Shit

At the 2014 Golden Globes, Elisabeth Moss flipped off E!’s stupid-as-fuck mani cam, because someone had to do it, and I guess E! didn’t take that as a hint. They brought back the mani cam at this year’s Golden Globes and at last night’s SAG Awards. But the anti-mani cam revolution has officially begun, because several tricks shut that mess down last night.

For some reason, Ghouliana Rancic wasn’t available to verbally lick up the ass juices of famous people at the SAG Awards for E! last night, so Maria Menounos had to do it. Maria Menonous was probably the only one there who was grateful for the mani cam’s existence, because it gave her something to talk about. While Giuliana makes me cringe by sucking on the assholes of celebrities, Maria made me cringe by being ten layers of awkward. There weird long pauses, a lot of “uhs” and stupid questions. Maria was like me on almost every first date I’ve had. The mani cam bullshit only added an extra layer of awkward. Asking a future Oscar winner like Julianne Moore to show off her nail polish and borrowed jewelry in a shoe box diorama is like asking my One Direction-obsessed little cousin what her favorite Taylor Swift song is. You will get a side-eye that says, “Dumb bitch, you know better than to ask me that,” followed by a wave of the hand.

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And Here’s Some “Say Yes To The Dress” Red Carpet Sophistication, Courtesy Of Marion Cotillard

Because my cable provider is a busted bitch who can’t get their act together and make a channel that airs nothing but Mad Men episodes re-cut to feature Don Draper topless in every scene, I spend a lot of time watching Say Yes to the Dress. I can basically predict the outcome of every dress based on hairstyle and nail choice of the bride. 10lbs of curled polyester hair? That bitch is getting a Pnina. Thick acrylic blow job nail tips? It’s going to have cut-outs around the waist and lace appliqué over the nipples (aka “something simple and elegant“).

Marion Cotillard, on the other hand, is working some dark short nails and slicked back no-fucks-given hair, which means that if she were on Say Yes to the Dress, she’s going to hate every dress that goddess Camille will pull for her before making a joke about wanting something that will look good with with her Converse sneakers. Then her grumpy mother-in-law Janet will shake her head and hiss “Marion, please, you only get one day to look like a princess.” And the fancy Dior dress Marion wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards last night is EXACTLY what she’d end up saying yes to if she was someone on SYTTD; it’s got a bodice she can wear a sports bra with and a skirt full enough that she can sit with her legs open.

Here’s more of Marion Cotillard at the Critic’s Choice Awards last night looking like a chick who is so fucking DONE trying on dresses at Kleinfelds, as well as Reese Witherspoon (who was serving up some last-minute bridesmaid at a David’s Bridal outlet realness), Jessica Chastain doing some kind of weird hair thing I would have thought was so classy when I was 12, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Jennifer Aniston Had A Pretty Good Time At The Golden Globes

If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.

First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:

As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Splash