Category: Finally Some Good News
Danny Masterson Has Been Found Guilty In His Rape Retrial
Tom Cruise better start plumping up his bosom because Little Lord David Mascivage is going to need something pillowy to rest his head on as he weeps since one of Scientology’s very own is probably headed to the chokey. About six months after Danny Masterson’s first rape trial ended with a hung jury, the jury in his retrial found him GUILTY of two out of three counts of forcible rape. They were deadlocked on the third charge. Danny’s smug ass could be locked away for 30 years. So everyone, time to update your title for Danny Masterson from “That ’70s Show star” to “Convicted Rapist.”
Brittney Griner Has Been Freed And Vin Diesel Is Trending For “Helping” Bring Her Home
After nine long months in a Russian jail, WNBA star Brittney Griner has been freed and is on her way back to America! This morning President Joe Biden announced that 32-year-old Brittney was released in a prisoner swap that involved Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout. Viktor, aka the “Merchant of Death,” smuggled weapons from Eastern Europe to Africa and the Middle East for nearly two decades. In 2011, he was convicted of conspiracy to kill U.S. citizens and officials and provide aid to terrorists. It sucks that this murderous trash bag is even being mentioned in the same breath as a woman who accidentally smuggled cannabis cartridges into Russia, but hey, that’s international politics, baby!
Kirsten Dunst And Jesse Plemons Got Married!
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program of doom, gloom, and full-throttle fuckery to bring you some actually happy news. “Happy news, I haven’t been touched by that in a while,” said everyone’s ear holes and eyeballs. Three-time Oscar winner Kirsten Dunst (yes, I tell myself that Kiki won Oscars for Drop Dead Gorgeous, Bring It On, and Dick) married Jesse Plemons after six years together. Yes, they’ve been together for six years, which may drop a load of SHOCK onto anyone who thought their blondie love first bloomed after they met at this year’s Oscars when Kiki was working as a seat filler!
Ghislaine Maxwell Has Been Sentenced To 20 Years In Prison
The final chapter in Ghislaine Maxwell’s story as one of the grosses main characters in the Jeffrey Epstein sex trafficking saga has finally come to a close today (possible title of that book: Is There A Place Hotter Than Hell For These Two?). Nearly six months after Ghislaine Maxwell was found guilty of five charges, including sex trafficking a minor, it was time to return to court and discuss sentencing. Lo and behold, Ghislaine will be locked away for 20 years.
Lee Daniels And Mo’Nique Have Finally Made Up, And She Will Star In His Next Movie
As one Hollywood feud hits new levels of MESS, another Hollywood feud has finally ended. After reportedly not speaking to each other for years, Lee Daniels and Mo’Nique are finally speaking to each other. And not only that, but they’re going to speak to each other a lot in the near future since she will star in his next movie. At Mo’Nique’s show on Staten Island last night, she brought out Lee Daniels and he apologized to her for hurting her, and he didn’t end with, “April Fools!”
MacKenzie Scott Donated $436 Million To Habitat For Humanity
MacKenzie Scott is continuing to donate large chunks of her fortune to good causes while her billionaire ex-husband Jeff Bezos sends celebrities to space on his dick rocket and causes bridges to be taken apart so that his $500 million superyacht can get to him. Most recently, MacKenzie donated $2.74 billion to arts programs that help combat racism, and now she’s donated $436 million to Habitat for Humanity so they can help boost affordable housing and Black homeownership.