2020 has felt like the year of non-stop shit, but here we have one good thing 2020 has done. What’s that phrase about a broken clock being right at least twice? Well, we’re still waiting on the second right thing 2020 could give us, which – hey, don’t lose hope! After all, there’s still Allison Mack’s sentencing. But right now we’ve got the news that Keith Raniere, leader of NXIVM’s self-help pyramid scheme-turned-abusive sex cult, has been sentenced to 120 years in prison.
There was a time that seeing Hayden Panettiere’s name made me brace myself for the worst (or at least to stabilize myself for a not-great update). But recently, Hayden’s personal life has made a 180-degree turn for the better, and it has everything to do with her spinning as far away from her allegedly abusive ex-boyfriend Bryan Hickerson as possible. Last month we heard that Hayden was on a “path to recovery” which reportedly didn’t include Brian. Now we’re learning that wherever that path may lead, Brian has been ordered by a court of law to remain several yards away from ever stepping foot on said path.
If Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s alleged partner in demonic abuse (the word alleged is looking at me like, “Bitch, you know you didn’t need to use us there.“), was hoping to spend her Fourth of July weekend taking in some In-N-Out and sweet freedom, the FBI knocked that Double Double right out of her hands and put handcuffs on her paws. Because Ghislaine Maxwell has finally been arrested by the FBI.
Many of our eyelids are stuck in the ON position as we lay awake at night from that boiling demon called anxiety fucking our souls raw over everything that’s going on in the world. And that might be happening to Hayden Panettiere’s family and friends but they do have one less thing to worry about and that’s “real estate agent/actor” Brian Hickerson. Because Us Weekly says that Hayden has removed the pus-oozing leech hemorrhoid from her life for once and for all, hopefully.
An eight-year-old boy from the Australian Gold Coast has the unfortunate distinction of sharing his name with the most loathsome virus in the world. No, his name isn’t “Weinstein”! It’s “Corona”! To the surprise of no one who’s ever been eight, Corona De Vries has been bullied because of it. Kids are calling him “Coronavirus”. Creative.
When Corona found out that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson tested positive for the virus (and in his home country, too!), he sent them a letter asking, “Are you ok?” He also mentioned the bullying.
Because Tom is a class act, and also practicing lifelong atonement for unleashing Chet Haze onto the world, he replied with a very sweet letter and the gift of a Corona-brand typewriter! Boy Corona was very pleased, saying, “I feel like I’m famous”.
Over the weekend, the internet’s boyfriend Keanu Reeves let the internet know that it’s single and is no longer Keanu Reeves’ girlfriend when he went public with his real girlfriend Alexandra Grant. And the real shocker was that she’s not a 21-year-old Instagram THOT. She is 46 years old With grey hair. And she’s an artist. Basically she’s Keanu’s perfect girlfriend, but some say she’s been sketching tasteful nudes of him after their trysts for years, while others are saying that she’s been sketching tasteful nudes of him after their trysts for just a few months.