Christian Bale Is Circling A Dick…….Cheney Movie

During Oscar bait season next year, you’ll be able to escape the nightmare reality of this world with a feel-good Dick Cheney biopic! Oscar-nominated writer/director Adam McKay (who directed Step Brothers, Anchorman, Talladega Nights and The Big Short) has been working on a Dick Cheney movie, and Deadline says that he is talking to Christian Bale about taking on Dick. Adam is probably talking to Daniel Day-Lewis about playing the friend that Dick Cheney accidentally shot during a quail hunt. Because DDL is the only true thespian who’d say, “I’m offended that you think I wouldn’t, sir!”,  after fellow method actor Christian Bale asks to shoot him for real during their scene.

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Christian Bale Was Chopped From Director Terence Malick’s New Film

Terence Malick is one of those directors whom film buffs revere, and famous actors practically offer to chop off limbs (just not the face, dahling) for the chance to work with him. Those actors he casts are often disappointed when they view the finished product, because Terence is not sharing fucks when it comes to cutting big names out of his films. Ask Adrien Brody about The Thin Red Line sometime. Speaking of Adrien, Christian Bale might want to ping him to find out where the next meeting of the “Terence Malick Cut Me Out Of His Movie” support group is being held, because Terence also gave him the chop from his latest picture, according to The Wrap.

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Christian Bale Recently Quit A Movie Because He Didn’t Have Enough Time To Get Chunky For It

Christian Bale, seen above looking all kinds of sexy and lumpy (don’t judge me) on the set of American Hustle a few years ago, is as method as method can be when it comes to changing his body for a role. He starved himself down to one of Giuliana Rancic’s forearms for The Machinist. Then did it again for The Fighter. Then he channeled his inner Kim Kardashian and deep-throated as much food as his gag reflex could take to chunk up for American Hustle.

Since my ass gains 5 lbs just by looking at a bag of ketchup chips (“Uh huh, looking” said the chip crumbs around my mouth), I assumed a pro like Christian Bale could gain that serious actor weight overnight. But apparently all that weight loss and weight gain takes time, and he just couldn’t do it quick enough for his latest movie, so did the chafed-thigh shuffle out the exit door. According to Deadline, Christian Bale was beefing up to play Enzo Ferrari in a biopic by Michael Mann. Filming was supposed to begin in the spring, but Christian Bale wasn’t able to safely let himself go in such a short period of time, so he decided to quit.

Michael Mann is currently looking to re-cast Christian Bale with an already-hefty actor. You hear that, Bear from The Revenant? Call you agent!

Speaking of that Bear (which was a dude in a CGI suit, because Hollywood is LIES), was it really necessary for Christian Bale to gain a bunch of weight? Could they not just CGI a couple extra chins and love handles onto his body in post-production? Also, if it’s a movie about Enzo Ferrari, wouldn’t he be in a car most of the time? I’m no expert, but I feel like that kind of fat would be super easy to fake. Just throw a bunch of heavy shit in the trunk and blame the drag on Christian Bale’s character’s ass.

Pic: Splash

Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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Christian Bale Once Mistook Actress Teresa Palmer For A Stripper

I know, I should really change that to “Christian Bale Gave Teresa Palmer The Most Flattering Of Compliments By Mistaking Her For A Stripper“, but I’m afraid that’s too long. So, in case you don’t know who Teresa Palmer is, she’s an Australian actress one-time Russell Brand humper. And according to Christian Bale, she’s also really good at playing a convincing stripper. While promoting his new movie Knight of Cups (in which Teresa plays a stripper named Karen), Batman admitted to the Evening Standard (via E!) that he had no idea that the woman popping her pussy on stage was actually an actress with 27 credits on her IMDB page.

“We were filming in a strip club, and Teresa Palmer’s there in her little silver hotpants and I’m asking her how long she’d been dancing for? Does she enjoy it? What got her into it? I had no idea that she was an actress until about a week after working with her. Suddenly I saw a billboard with her face on it and I went ‘What?'”

However, it’s not entirely Christian Bale’s fault that he didn’t know who Teresa Palmer is. Christian says that a lot of actors in Knight of Cups weren’t professional actors. And even when he did meet an actual actor, director Terrence Malick would tell him that they weren’t. Damn, who knew Terrence Malick was such a shady bitch.

But really, if I was Teresa’s agent, I would be printing out that quote and gluing it to the back of every one of her head shots and changing the Special Skills section of her resume to say: “Managed to portray a stripper so well that an Academy Award-winning thespian like Christian Bale thought she was actually a stripper.” Because honestly, that’s the only skill you need in life.

Pic: FilmNation