And Today In “Headlines I Just Can’t With”

December 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Oh, the Internet will forever be a treasure trove of fuckery that continues to surprise me. When I woke up today, I didn’t think that I’d be staring at Kylie Jenner’s nalgas in ass-less latex chaps, but I did. I also didn’t think that I’d be reading a story about how Leonardo DiCaprio gets raped twice by a bear in The Revenant. An actual bear. You know, the kind of bear that goes “grrr.” Bad example. The kind of bear that is really furry and big. Another bad example. Okay, Smokey the Bear. Like that kind of bear. The rumor about Leo getting butt fucked by a bear started when The Drudge Report sounded the alarm and delivered this headline that made us all say, “Damn, Leonardo DiCaprio’s Oscar game is no joke this year!”


Well, thankfully Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t have to discuss bear rape on The View tomorrow morning, because (SPOILER ALERT) that doesn’t happen in the movie. After Drudge’s story went viral, Fox released a statement to Entertainment Weekly saying that no bear rapes Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. The bear is a lady bear and she attacks Leonardo because she thinks her cubs are in danger. She probably saw Leo’s raggedy beard and thought he was eating one of her cubs alive.

“As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female who attacks Hugh Glass because she feels he might be threatening her cubs. There is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

And well this goes without saying, but that CGI bear is probably going to get an Oscar before Leonardo DiCaprio does.

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