Prolific poet Ludacris once said, “I’ve got hoes, in different area codes (area, area codes..codes).” Well, 84-year-old Quincy Jones is living that piece of eloquent prose and has even taken it international.
Quincy did an interview with Chris Heath for GQ, and it’s a wild, messy ride (like the scene after Quincy and his 22 pieces have a group meet-up) from start to finish. Horny Ole’ Q gets into how he bought drugs from Malcom X , turned down Marilyn Monroe (uh huh), watched Ray Charles shoot heroin into his own nutsack (Ray’s not Quincy’s), always thought Elvis was a shit singer and was supposed to be at Sharon Tate’s house the night of the Manson Family Murders. (Why does every celebrity from the late-60s have a story about how they were supposed to be at Sharon Tate’s house that night?).
Quincy doesn’t only talk about the past, he talks about the now too, like how he hates Taylor Swift’s songs and how he’s got the United Nations of pepaw dicks.
Stars! They’re just like your high school boyfriend who told you at graduation that you’ll be together forever, but then when holiday break rolls around, he tells you he needs some time to find himself (read: find himself lots of college cooch).
Jesse Williams and his wife of 5 years, Aryn Drake-Lee (seen above with Jesse in 2010) got together 13 years ago and that was long before he became a STAH! Page Six says that now that Jesse is famous, rich and hot, he doesn’t want to be tied down to a wife who will keep him from being a slut on the scene. Their sources say that Jesse’s the one who wants a divorce and it’s because he wants to make the most out of being a hot dude in Hollywood.
I know, I should really change that to “Christian Bale Gave Teresa Palmer The Most Flattering Of Compliments By Mistaking Her For A Stripper“, but I’m afraid that’s too long. So, in case you don’t know who Teresa Palmer is, she’s an Australian actress one-time Russell Brand humper. And according to Christian Bale, she’s also really good at playing a convincing stripper. While promoting his new movie Knight of Cups (in which Teresa plays a stripper named Karen), Batman admitted to the Evening Standard (via E!) that he had no idea that the woman popping her pussy on stage was actually an actress with 27 credits on her IMDB page.
“We were filming in a strip club, and Teresa Palmer’s there in her little silver hotpants and I’m asking her how long she’d been dancing for? Does she enjoy it? What got her into it? I had no idea that she was an actress until about a week after working with her. Suddenly I saw a billboard with her face on it and I went ‘What?'”
However, it’s not entirely Christian Bale’s fault that he didn’t know who Teresa Palmer is. Christian says that a lot of actors in Knight of Cups weren’t professional actors. And even when he did meet an actual actor, director Terrence Malick would tell him that they weren’t. Damn, who knew Terrence Malick was such a shady bitch.
But really, if I was Teresa’s agent, I would be printing out that quote and gluing it to the back of every one of her head shots and changing the Special Skills section of her resume to say: “Managed to portray a stripper so well that an Academy Award-winning thespian like Christian Bale thought she was actually a stripper.” Because honestly, that’s the only skill you need in life.
The Church of Ho Shit’s answer to Suze Orman has been found! While many women are fighting for equality, stripper turned rapper’s piece turned ho shit mogul Amber Rose is telling women that they were born with a winning Lottery ticket between their legs so they may as well use it. Amber is still promoting the new ho shit holy bible “How To Be A Bad Bitch” and in an interview with Time, she shares some of her tips on how ladies can achieve their financial goals. The
Champagne Andre Room at the Nuts On Buns (or wherever the hell she worked) strip club in Philadelphia was her Harvard Business School and it was there where she learned how to get men to throw as many sticky bills at her oiled-up nalgas as possible.
If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.
To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.
Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.
In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.
The Grammy nominations were announced last night and it might be safe for you to watch that shit show in January without attacking the TV with a tongue scraper every time Miley Cyrus pops up on the screen, because she might not be there since she didn’t get not a one nomination. Katy Perry was nominated for her cover of Sara Barillapasta’s (it’s Saturday, don’t make me Google for the correct spelling of her name) “Brave,” Sara Barillapasta was nominated for the original version of “Roar” and Illuminati kingpin and temporary vegan Jay-Z led the nominations with 9. Miley’s album “
Finger Bangerz” was released after the cut-off date, but “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” both came out before the cut-off date. Bitch got snubbed!
As the nominations were announced live during that stupid ass Grammy Nominations Concert last night, Miley ruined Christmas for the children when she gave them a ho ho ho show at KISS FM’s Jingle Ball in L.A. My thoughts and prayers are with the parents whose youngins were there last night and are now singing, “I saw Miley butt fucking Santa Claus.” I don’t know if Miley is passing her butt critters to Bad Santa or Bad Santa’s passing his reindeer fleas to Miley or a little of both. For some of us, looking at these pictures are about as pleasant as watching a drunken hobo in a Santa hat jerk his candy cane off while lying against a wall on the Bowery (Correction: I’ve actually seen that on the subway before and it was more pleasant than these pictures), but these are pretty wholesome in the Cyrus world. If you Photoshopped Billy Ray’s face over that Bad Santa’s face and replaced that drankin’ bag with a jug of moonshine, these would look exactly like pictures out of the Cyrus family holiday album.
And back to the Grammys… Justin Timberlake may be the outcast of Hollywood, but he’s still the Homecoming Queen of the Grammys. Justin got 7 nominations as did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar. Lorde got a bunch of noms, but ho didn’t make it into the Best New Artist category. You can see all of the nominations here, but you should really read them while crouching under a steady surface, because once Kanye finds out that he was locked out of some of the major categories, his throbbing ego will explode and the earth will shake. Also, La Vampy didn’t get one nomination! We must RAGE!