Category: Anna Paquin

Larry King Doesn’t Know How Bi-Sexuality Works, Anna Paquin Schools Him On It

August 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Larry King is older than sand and he was Spartacus‘ au pair, so you think that because he lived during the Roman Empire he’d be an expert on bisexuality, but the no-neck lizard has no idea how bisexuality works. Magnets, how do they work? Bisexuality, how does it work? While talking to Anna Paquin on his show Larry King Now, Larry asked her if she considers herself a non-practicing bi-sexual (Unimportant side note: One of my friends in high school had the thickest ass Chinese accent and she’d pronounce bi-sexual as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull”, so now I say it as “bi-sesh-ooh-ull,” because it just feels better on my tongue)  since she’s married to a dude. Larry seems to think that as soon as Anna married Beeeeeeehl, her craving to puss and her attraction to ladies went dormant. Anna and Beeeehl sent her bi-sexuality to a farm where it runs around and plays with the former bi-sexualities of others and they keep meaning to visit it on the weekends, but they just haven’t found the time. Anna let Larry King know that just because she’s married to a guy and is staying true to him doesn’t mean her nipples don’t get hard for ladies anymore. Educate that lizard, Soookeh! via The Advocate

Larry: “Are you a non-practicing bisexual?”

Sookeh: “Well, I am married to my husband and we are happily monogamously married.”

Larry: “But you were bisexual?”

Sookeh: “Well, I don’t think it’s a past-tense thing.”

Larry: “No?”

Sookeh: “No. Are you still straight if you are with somebody — if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn’t prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn’t really work like that.”

Awkward IS Sookeh teaching Larry King about bi-sexuality. I watched the clip (at the 11:02 mark) and I still don’t know if Larry King got it. Sookeh should’ve broken it down in a way that Larry King understood. Sookeh should’ve told him that as a lizard, he probably really loves crickets and mango slices. He loves mango slices as much as he loves crickets. His tongue gets a boner for both of them. Let’s say that one day, Larry’s caretaker only gave him crickets and from that day on, he only got crickets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, Larry would be perfectly happy, because he loves crickets, but that doesn’t mean he’d stop thinking about or stop craving mango slices. Sookeh should’ve put it like that. On second thought, that’s a bad idea, because that would’ve given Larry the hungries and then his lizard tongue would’ve shot out of his mouth and searched her teef for any food bits.

But seriously, bless Sookeh for educating the pepaws on one’s love of peen and poon. She should continue to do good things for the world by making sure that Sookeh and Beeehl die slow, painful deaths on the finale of True Blood, because they’ve been so goddamn annoying and the audience needs some satisfaction.

Here’s Sookeh still working that Mermista hair while leaving a spa in West Hollywood the other day and leaving LAX with her husband and one of her twins a couple of weeks ago.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Who Works It Better?

July 17, 2014 / Posted by:

On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.

Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting,  Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.

Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”

Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.

And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Twitter, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Joe ManJello In A Suit

June 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Until I saw these pictures from the premiere party for the final season of True Blood, I completely forgot True Blood was coming back. Those bitches better not mess it up and by that I mean they better kill off pretty much everyone in the first 20 seconds of the first episode and the rest of the season should be nothing but Joe ManJello and ASkars dancing naked together in the snow. Okay they can keep Lafayette and Pam too.

Sadly, ASkars wasn’t at last night’s premiere thing, but Lafayette was there in a bow tie so big that it looked like it was eating his neck and Joe ManJello wore a suit that was once worn by a giant gorilla who played the banker in an old timey silent movie western. Joe ManJello in a suit always makes me laugh, because he never looks that comfortable and it looks like all that material is squeezing his giant muscles. It’s like trying to put one of Justin Bieber’s condoms on The Hammaconda. Joe ManJello’s suit is probably held together with Tyvek thread so it doesn’t come ripping off when he raises his arm. What I’m saying is that Tyvek should’ve never been invented and Joe ManJello should rip off that suit and free his muscles and nipples. It’s only natural.

Pics: Wenn.com

Old Magento Wants To Marry Young Magento

July 22, 2013 / Posted by:

I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).

When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:

“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”

I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.

And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Getty

And A Hello To You Too, Sookeh!

May 18, 2013 / Posted by:

A SANS FARDS Anna Paquin took one of her twins for a walk with a friend in Venice, CA yesterday when they ran into a paparazzo in the wild. When a mama bear comes across a threat in the wild, she sometimes rips out the throat of that threat to protect her young and Anna did the non-violent human version of that by flipping a bitch off. Don’t threaten me with a good time, Soooookeh.

When I lived in NYC, I hardly ever used my middle finger when out in the wild. Sometimes my middle finger would come up when a car would almost hit my ass or a crazed biker would almost decapitate my toes with their wheels, but it didn’t happen that often. But since I’ve moved to L.A. and road rage has become my favorite sport, I use my middle finger all the time. Flipping a whore off while perfectly mouthing the words “fuck you, asshole” gives me a quick shot of happiness like nothing else.

And it’s a damn shame that Sookeh’s covering her kid’s face and he can’t see her flipping a ho off, because you’re never too young to learn that the middle finger is one of the most useful tools in civilization.

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The Look: Sookeh’s Black Licorice Dress And Predator Hair

February 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can’t take the spotlight away from Soookeh’s movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that’s what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.

Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford’s pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna’s Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don’t bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.

Here’s a few pictures of some other hos at last night’s party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens…. keep Anna away from him!), Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.

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